


A Valuation

by N1Nj4



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Canon Compliant, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Heartbreak, Insanity, Loneliness, POV Multiple, Pain, Prison, Solitary Confinement, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:31:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 46,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N1Nj4/pseuds/N1Nj4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By itself, solitary confinement can fundamentally alter a person. So what more can go wrong, right? Continuation of the last episode of season 1. I own nothing; characters belong to Jenji Kohan & Piper Kerman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fallen Angels

"God loves me, he doesn't love you. You ain't worthy of nobodies love"  
"God loves me, she doesn't love you, you ain't worthy of love."  
"God doesn't love me, she doesn't love me, I ain't worthy of love."  
"He doesn't love me, she doesn't love me, I'm not worthy.."  
"I'm not worthy of anybody's love.."  
"I'm not worthy of love..."

Piper's head swam as she fell backwards into the snow, unable to keep herself steadily upright over Pennsatucky's beaten body. She stared blankly up at the sky as those words tumbled around inside her head, evolving into her own personal mantra; "I'm not worthy."

What was it that Larry had said? "Piper, you were the one that was doing all the hurting. I can't be on your ride anymore..." Panic washed over her in waves. She reached to grab the fence behind her to pull herself up but she couldn't move. She reached higher up the fence while pulling harder. Pain explode in her abdomen and her vision faded to inky blackness as she gasped for air. Piper let go of the fence and moved her numb and trembling hands to her stomach. She couldn't feel anything. Her hands were so cold from the snow that she couldn't register any sensation. She tried to grab for the fence again but realized her hands were caught in her shirt. Her shirt? She fumbled around and bumped into something hard.

"Fuccckkk" she screamed as white hot pain shot through her body. Tears sprung to Piper's eyes. She remembered how Pennsatucky's cross had torn her hand and saw her bright red blood dripping into the silvery snow. "Maybe I do.. deserve this.." she drawled as slowly night enveloped her.

Nicky pushed open the door to the hall. "Hey Morello, wait a sec for me." Nicky walked to her cube and grabbed the poster. Alex was looking down at something; Nicky supposed it was her secret santa gift. "Hey Vause, watcha got?" Alex held up a small bottle, flipped the cap and took a whiff. "Lotion I think." Alex scoffed. "Well I am going to try my luck with Morello" Nicky held up the poster. "Wish me luck!"

Morello was still there in the hall waiting for Nicky. "What's goin' on Nicky?" Morello inquired, eyeing the back of the board Nicky was attempting to conceal.

"I wanted to show ya somthin' follow me," Nicky said through a smile. She lead them out through the door outside and held up the poster for Morello. "I wanted to make you something for Christmas, something that you would like, "Nicky rambled, "I know the groom should be a guy, but it's funny right?" Nicky prodded. Morello looked at the poster and ran her hand across the clippings.

"Aw Nicky it's gorg.." the words died on her lips as she looked up at Nicky and gasped.

"I'm sorry I spooked ya, I knew I should have made the groom a male.." Nicky tried to placate Morello.

Morello grabbed Nicky's shoulder and spun her around. "Jesus fuck.." Nicky murmured. Turning, they both bolted inside, screams for help issuing from both their mouths.


	2. Past Scents

Alex laughed softly at Nicky and her faulty iron gate keeping her heart shut. "That girl will never learn..." Alex looked down at the signed bottle. She knows only one person that can make lotion in prison. She tilts the bottle and squeezes a drop of the lotion on her index finger, rubbing it in with her thumb. The aroma of oranges wafts throughout her cube. Oranges, they both loved oranges.

**Alex and Piper lay together cuddling in bed. It was a rare occasion when Alex didn't have to be completely immersed in her work for the entire day. She had surprised Piper and gone out to get fresh produce for breakfast, preparing and presenting it to Piper as breakfast in bed. A sweet gesture Alex hoped would make up for being caught up in work late into the night.**

**They cradled the bowl between them, taking turns feeding each other. Piper picked up a piece of peeled orange and slowly fed her lover with a delicate smile on her face. "Mmm..." murmurs Alex as she bites into the orange, chewing slowly.**

**Piper can feel her body react to Alex's teasing and brushes Alex's hair behind her ear, barely resisting knocking over the fruit bowl to get closer. "You always love when I give you the oranges" Piper whispered softly, connecting with her lover's eyes in a shy gaze.**

**Alex took a piece of orange and moved the bowl aside. "Is that your way of asking me why, Pipes?" Alex reached over for Piper's hand, tracing lazy circles across her knuckles. "Do you have any idea as to why?" Piper felt her skin flush and tried not to concentrate on Alex's stroking and her seductive voice. She held Alex's gaze, pleading with her eyes for her lover to come closer, to slide inside her skin. Alex tilted her head and rested the orange against her lips. She smiled at Piper and leaned over, tracing the fruit across Piper's lips and positioning her head near Piper's neck. "The oranges remind me of you..." she breathed "...and how you burst against my mouth." Her eyes sparkled as she felt the heat rolling off Piper's body; she loved that she could hear her lover's breath catch and her heartbeat double. Alex slid the orange piece into her mouth and turned Piper's face toward hers. She felt Piper let out a sigh of relief as her lips pressed against Piper's. Carefully, and against Piper's urging, she slowly deepened the kiss, gently exploring her lovers mouth and the need that radiated from her entire body. She loved to take things slowly, knowing that in doing so she was driving Piper crazy. Leaning in further, she ran her hands down Piper's chest and to her hips; she wanted to feel her girlfriend's skin against her own. Her touch was electric and sent chills running down her body. Alex smiled into their kiss and began moving with an urgency Piper was already feeling. She bit Piper's lip and placed her hand against Piper's core where the heat was rolling off in waves. "Let me do this for you Pipes," Alex punctured the orange and let the juices gradually flow from her mouth into Piper's. The soft, drawn out moan in response was almost enough to break through her reserve. But not this time. This time she wanted it to last. It wasn't often that she had this much time to treasure and worship her lover's body. This time was all about Piper...and oranges. As many bursting oranges as she could cause her Pipes to give her.**

Nicky rounded the corner into the hallway. "HELP, somebody HELP!" she screamed, Morello right behind her, sobbing. She spots Officer Bennett and races toward him. "Please you have to help...hurry!" Nicky took off in the direction of the exterior doors.

"Hey, no running allowed!" Officer Bennett gets out before chasing after Nicky, leaving Morello crumpling against the wall in hysterics. What the hell has gotten into them? It's Christmas Eve for Christ-sakes. He follows Nicky outside, "You know you are not supposed to run, OR be out here..." he spots the two bodies across the yard and breaks into a cold sweat. It was like being back in the military. Blood everywhere. Chaos. He can hear other prisoners at the door having followed the commotion. Bennett wets his lips and stammers into his radio, rushing to the closest inmate he feels for a pulse and moves to the next one. This is bad; this is very bad.

Grabbing her toothbrush, Alex made her way to the bathroom. There was some activity in the hall but she didn't think much of it, reflecting on the day's excitement and how tomorrow, even though it is a holiday, will be just like any other in Litchfield. She sighed and paused, hearing a familiar voice in an unfamiliar tone. "Morello?" She looks further down the hall and sees her friend in a pile against the wall, body wracking with the force of her sobbing. "Hey, her poster didn't upset you this much did it?" Alex inquired as she walked over.

"Everyone get down, NOW!" several officers bellowed as they sprinted down the hall, triggering the emergency lock down. Everyone dropped to the floor with their hands out. Morello continued sobbing, makeup smeared and running down her face.

"Morello, hey, what is going on? Hey, look at me, what the fuck happened?" Alex tried to get some answers from her. "Do you know what is going on? Why are you upset?" Her friend glanced over with a look of terror on her face and looked away, her crying picking up momentum again. Alex felt a chill run down her spine. What does that mean? Has something happened to Nicky? "Hey CO, what is going on?" Alex questioned the guy who got stuck keeping an eye on them. She rotated so she could see the guy. He was standing there, staring out the doors, oblivious to his surroundings. His face was pale and she saw his eyes widen. "God damnit, what the hell is going on!" Alex yelled in frustration. It was only then that she heard the faint ambulance siren. At first barely audible over the lock down siren and Morello's bawling, it grew louder and louder. Alex pounded her fist against the hallway floor, a knot forming in her stomach. The ambulance siren made her nervous; she just wanted to make sure that her friends were okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drop a comment =)


	3. Accidents Happen

Mayhem. Utter mayhem. Sirens blaring, lights flashing, people crying, officers bellowing: pandemonium. Several EMT's jogged down the hallway carrying a stretcher. More followed. Alex just laid there on the dirty hallway floor and stared, her frustration mounting and threatening to boil over. She saw Nicky stumble back in from outside, just having taken off her outer beige shirt and wadding it into a ball. "NICHOLS! MORELLO!" Caputo ordered, a hard edge to his voice. "In my office, at once!" Alex felt her friend get up beside her. She could hear her trying to subdue her sobbing, but it didn't sound like she was having much success. "Inmates, listen up! Go straight to your cubes for final check. Now get moving!" They were escorted out of the hallway by several CO's. Alex tried to stall so she could get a glimpse of what was happening outside. A rough hand fell on her shoulder and shoved her forward. "Hurry up, inmate." Dejected, Alex shuffled to her cube and stood against the wall waiting for final count. On the third try the guards got the count right. Even on a bad day they could usually get it right by the second try. Whatever had happened must have shaken them up pretty bad. Then again, Nicky and Morello still were not back from Caputo's office, Alex noted. She laid down on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Her mind thought of every terrible thing that could possibly have happened to her two friends. She hoped they weren't in trouble and that all of this would just blow over, somehow. Except she didn't quite believe it would. She was certain it wouldn't after two hours when Nicky and Morello still hadn't returned.

What seemed like days later Alex heard boots enter the sleeping area. Nichols was back. She sat up in her bunk and rubbed her eyes, straining to catch any exchange of words. Nothing. Either they weren't talking or they were doing a damn good job of staying quiet. Flopping back down on her back she checked the time. It was 4:30am; another thirty minutes and she was going to demand some answers from her friends.

Why the hell does this shit always happen to me? Fucking dyke drama, man. I mean, yea, I care. But fuck! Nicky thought. She didn't believe Pennsatucky would go this far. Yea, the bitch was a psychotic bible humper. EVERYONE knew that. Even after spending the entire night in Caputo's office, she still couldn't wrap her head around what had just happened. Not after seeing it with her own two eyes, nor after repeating it for the fifteen billionth time. Not to mention the emotional wreck that Morello was in. It was fucking bullshit that she had to stand there and watch as the love of her goddamn fucking life fell apart in front of the officers. If she had been standing there gushing about her "fiancée" for hours on end instead of bawling her eyes out, even that would have been better. Nicky could handle that because she knew that Morello loved her too, even if she wouldn't admit it to herself. But they were both Piper's friends. Shit, they were all practically sisters living in this hell hole. Fuck! Standing in that office made her antsy. Her nerves were fried worse than when she was still using. Damnit Piper! What the hell! She sighed and rolled onto her side, facing the wall. She hoped to whatever higher power that might exist that Piper survived. Initially she had thought Piper was dead. All that blood...and she was so cold... Nicky knew that she was going to be reliving the last few of hours for a long time. She massaged her temples. She has to keep her shit together. She wondered what she was going to do about Alex. Nicky cringed as she remembered how wild-eyed Vause looked prone on the floor. She needed a plan. Vause was like a lie detector and she needed to go over her story with Morello. There is no fucking way she was going to tell Alex what she had seen. Sure, the two were having a little tizzy fit. They will get over it. Those assholes have some intensely fucked up chemistry, but it is still chemistry. Nicky's eyes began to droop as her mind attempted to formulate something to tell Piper's girlfriend. Before she knew it fatigue overcame her and she slipped into a troubled sleep.

Alex stared down her clock. Four fifty-nine. The last minute felt like a week as she counted the seconds. Each second brought her a new image of how she was going to murder Nicky for making her worry. Throwing off the blanket she marched over to Nicky's cube. She was fast asleep. Even though she was curled against the wall, Alex could see the suitcases under her eyes. Alex crossed her arms as she waited only to notice that Nicky seemed to be having a vivid dream. Her muscles in her arms and legs began to spasm reminding Alex that Nicky didn't get a chance to sleep the entire night. Then again she herself didn't either, but that was beside the point. Perhaps giving her a bit longer to rest might not be such a bad idea. She might be more coherent after some shut eye. And boy, was she going to grill her.

A shower didn't seem like such a bad idea anyway. She still felt dirty from laying on the floor yesterday, and staying awake through the night has a way of making you feel as if you were covered in a thin layer of grime. She grabbed her shower bag and a towel and walked to the bathroom. Alone for once, she undressed and took a refreshingly hot shower. Weird that after a shit-storm of a night the morning could be so surprisingly calm. The only real turmoil was taking place in her head. Brushing her teeth made her feel somewhat better. It was like trying to clean out the thoughts swirling around inside her mind via toothbrush and toothpaste.

Putting her items away, she grabs her bag and towel. "Wait..." Something just flit across her mind. She squints and blinks rapidly, trying to catch the tail end of an epiphany darting into the dark swirl of her conscious thought pool. Alex looks back over her shoulder and repeats the movements that she just made, trying to resurface the thought she missed. She puts her toothbrush and toothpaste back in her shower pouch.. "Oh. It must have been the lotion Piper made. I guess I could put some on, this winter weather.. " her throat catches in a tight knot as she walks out of the bathroom. What would cause Morello to have that reaction if Nichols is okay? She tries to think back to when she last saw Piper and scowls. That's right: she chose Larry and then came crying to me after I explicitly told her to fuck off, thought Alex. She is probably just trying to get attention from someone since I won't ride her damn rollercoaster anymore. Passing the cafeteria she peers in, noticing there is a lot of chatter this morning. Well of course, Alex sneers, we all had such a fun night last night. Alex realizes that she has wandered into the ghetto dorms while she was caught up in her thoughts. The place is deserted, everyone must be at breakfast, she shrugged.

On her way to her cube in the Suburbs she glanced into the cafeteria once more. "Where the hell..." Her pace quickened as she neared her dorm and barged into Nicky's cube space. Morello and Nicky were sitting on the bed and stopped talking abruptly when Alex charged in. She stood there staring into the sides of their heads while they avoided engaging in eye contact. Her eyes bore into them until finally she was tired of waiting for them to talk.

"Where is Piper" Alex demanded, trying her best to be monotone but it was plain how high strung her voice was. She took a few deep breaths. Morello grasps Nicky's hand. "You guys know something and no one here is talking to me" She clenches her fists and pushes her glasses back up into place. Nicky sighs and moves back from Morello, nodding to her friend. "Sit down, Vause." Alex cautiously takes a seat between them. Shifting her gaze between the two girls she tries to read their expressions but cannot make heads or tails of the different emotions depicted on her friend's faces. "What are you guys hiding?" Alex implores as she feels Nicky's arm snake around her shoulders. Morello places her hands gently on Alex's hand resting on the mattress.

"There's been an accident." Nicky can feel Alex tense against her arm.

"An accident?" She managed to say, coolly. She was proud of how even her voice sounded now. In her head it was a barely audible squeak over the sound of the siren cropping up in her memory of last night.

Nicky looked across at Morello, who nodded her to continue. Better it came from them than finding out through the grapevine. "Doggett attacked Piper during the Christmas show," Nicky said slowly. Alex felt her stomach drop to the floor. Only hours before she had turned away a frantic Piper from her cube. Did that have something to do with the accident? She couldn't keep her mind from going there. She wanted to hate Piper; Piper had chosen Larry. Alex could barely focus. "They were both pretty messed up so they were taken to the infirmary" Nicky continued.

"How.." Alex wet her lips and cleared her burning throat. "How bad was it?"

Nicky and Morello stared at Alex. They didn't want to alarm Alex any more than they had to. "Oh, you know," Morello took the lead. "The guards have all these formalities. She is probably being questioned by the CO's right now. Right, Nicky?"

The glance Morello shot Nicky was enough for her to know to leave it at that. "Yea Vause, your girl is probably telling her side of the story right at this moment." They sat there in silence through breakfast, Nicky and Morello didn't want to leave Alex's side. She just sat there. They had never seen her so still, so quiet.

Alex murmured something unintelligible and stood up. "What was that Vause?" Neither Nicky nor Morello heard what she had said. Alex lowered her head and dropped her gaze.

"She's not my girl" she mumbled, walking out of the cube.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to get your comments and feedback! They inspire me to write more, faster! Hope you enjoyed this piece, there is more to come.


	4. New Year's Revelations

Alex set her tray down on the table. Nicky and Morello greeted her as she took her seat. She nodded a hello, not feeling like speaking. It had been almost a week since Christmas. News of the conflict had travelled like wildfire through the prison. Pennsatucky had attacked Piper during the middle of the Christmas show. It seemed completely random to Alex until she found out from Piper's roommate, Taystee, that Piper had been threatened several times by Pennsatucky previously. Initially she was confused and pissed off that Piper hadn't told her she was being harassed. Now she was just...she sighed as she looked down at her food. Nicky had said that they were both in the infirmary but that had been almost a week ago. There was still no news on the condition of either of them. Nichols had said that Piper was probably talking to CO's on the first night. If that was the case, then why wasn't she back yet? Her friend must have lied to her, or at best, omitted a significant amount of information. She looked up at Nicky and watched as she told some story to Morello, Big Boo and Yoga Jones. Why would she lie to her? She was there when she told Piper to fuck off. What was she trying to hide? Countless scenarios formed within her mind of what could have taken place. All of them picture Piper coming out alive; she couldn't allow herself to face the alternative. She looked at her watery eggs with no intention of eating them. If she were being honest with herself, she truly did not know how Piper was. For all she knew she could be dead. No news was not good news. Not in prison. Not while everything else was passing by unbeknownst.

"Vause, you should eat something, you are starting to look pale" Nicky chided her friend. "Seriously though, eat something," she said in a lower tone. Alex picked up her stale toast and ate a few bites. She hated that she felt like this. That Piper had this much control over her and she wasn't even here. She hadn't chosen her so why did she care? She felt a pang of grief, both over her current mental state and the uncertainties surrounding her ex-girlfriend.

* * *

Piper tried to focus on the ceiling but her vision was still hazy. Polly was by her bed, chatting about how the soap business was doing. Her mother had just left and she felt up for just about nothing. The pain medicine they gave her for her stomach and chest was almost non-existent. They had given her morphine the first week while she was unconscious but now that she was awake they switched her to aspirin. She wished she was still in that peaceful oblivion. With the amount of staples and stitches she was sporting you would think they could offer her something a little more powerful, she thought, looking over to Polly. Her best friend was sitting there trying to comfort her and she wasn't even paying attention. Polly didn't need to be here, she had Finn she was supposed to be taking care of. Piper shifted her eyes back to the ceiling. I don't deserve a friend like Polly, she thought as her eyes started to burn. She blinked away the tears rapidly, she didn't want the doctors to have to redo the staples twice in one day; she had learned her lesson the first time.

* * *

New Year's Eve was a big deal to everyone in Litchfield. They were allowed to stay up to watch the ball drop on television. A bunch of people were decorating the rec room for the party later. Alex, Taystee and Big Boo were hanging up paper streamers while Poussey and Yoga Jones finished up their decorations. Fischer was posted at the door to make sure the inmates behaved themselves.

"This party is going to be off the chain!" Taystee exclaimed, hopping off the ladder.

"Well, it will definitely be a nice change of pace around here," Alex countered.

Big Boo pushed Alex's shoulder. "Don't be such s Debby Downer, Vause. You're going to have fun, just watch." Big Boo smiled at her friend.

Alex set down the tape and ran her hands through her hair. She caught Fischer looking at her and raised an eyebrow. Fischer tilted her head, motioning toward the door. "Be right back guys," she tossed the tape to Big Boo. "Don't mess it up while I'm gone." She followed Fischer out into the hall, wondering what this could be about.

"I'm not supposed to say anything, but I know you two were close so I figured you should be the first to hear," Fischer whispered once they were out of earshot. "Chapman woke up today. They are saying she is stable now."

Realization hit Alex. Woke up today? "Wi..Will she be coming back soon?" Alex managed to stammer.

Fischer frowned. "No. She did a number on Pennsatucky's face, she is going to have to face the consequences of her actions."

Energy drained from Alex's body. "Thanks," she murmured.

"Better get back to my post," Fischer said as she walked back toward the rec room. Alex debated going back to help finish decorating. Piper had just woken up today? Did that mean she was in a coma before? Stable...now? So the past week she could have died at any moment? Dread seeped into Alex as she turned on her heel and headed for the library. She needed time to think, to straighten out this new information.

Alex plopped down in the back of the library in her usual spot, grabbing a random book. She opened the book on her lap but didn't bother reading. She was furious. Furious with herself for caring so much about Piper. Furious with Piper for getting herself into trouble. Furious with Nicky for not telling her what actually happened. Nicky was going to tell her exactly what happened, Alex decided. She made up her mind to confront her later in the day. If she knew what happened she would worry less. She could let Piper deal with her own problems and not drag her through them too. She was sick of getting hurt by the blonde. She just cared to fucking much for her. Alex had to let her go, for her own sanity, she needed to let Piper have the life she chose. The decision made her chest tighten. She couldn't look out for that girl anymore. Piper had to start taking responsibility for her actions. That is what Fischer had said also: Piper had to face the consequences for her actions. She couldn't do anything for her any more. Alex couldn't protect Piper. Piper didn't want her to. She pushed her glasses up on top of her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. She needed to work harder on this. Oscillating between being sick with worry and seething with frustration was fucking with her head. She had to choose one. She was Alex Vause for fuck's sake and she needed to start acting like herself again.

* * *

Five...Four...Three...Two...One! All the inmates in the rec room yelled, "Happy New Year!" Several groups broke into dance, others laughing at each other and their ridiculous moves. Some were eating snacks that Mendoza had contributed to the celebration. Alex laughed at Big Boo dancing with whoever got close enough to her. Her smile slipped from her face as she remembered dancing with Piper on Thanksgiving. It was time. She walked over to Nichols and grabbed her hand, leading her away from the party.

"What's up Vause?" Nicky inquired. She noted they were heading toward the chapel. Maybe Vause had a change of mind about her, Nicky smirked, this would be an excellent follow up to Christmas Eve.

Alex sat down by the alter and stared at the steps. Nicky lowered herself beside her and eased her arm around Vause's waist. She could feel how tense she was and lightly stroked her side, trying to set the right mood. Alex looked over at her, eyes searching her face. Nicky cocked an eyebrow and tilted her head.

"I need to know what happened," whispered Alex, although they were the only two in the building.

"Oh..." Nicky stopped her stroking and let her arm hang there. "Don't worry about it Vause, Piper will be fine." She gave her a half smile. Alex just stared at her, calling her on her bullshit. "You really want to do this to yourself? Fine." Nicky withdrew her arm.

"As you know, I tried to give Morello the poster. I took her outside so we could be alone. She liked it at first, I think. Before I could make my move we saw them. I didn't know what it was at first. It took a bit to register, ya know? I ran inside and got the attention of the first CO I saw, which happened to be Bennett, and got my ass back outside." Nicky took a deep breath. She wasn't sure if she should downplay the next part for Vause's sake. "I...fuck it, you asked for this." Nicky said through clenched teeth. "Pennsa-fucking-tucky was lying on her back in the snow. Her face and hands were all bloody and she was moaning like a fucking freak. I wanted to kick her face in but it looked like someone had beat me to it." Nicky ran her hand through her mane.

**Nicky raced toward the second figure on the ground and came crashing to her knees. She put her cheek above Piper's mouth but couldn't feel her breathing. She gaped at Piper's body, desperately searching for something to do. Anything to do. Fuck, she hoped she wasn't dead. She better not be dead, thought Nicky, her eyes catching on Piper's hands in her own shirt. Bennett appeared on the other side of Piper's body, expertly feeling for a pulse. Nicky grabbed Piper's arm and began untangling her hands from the bloody shirt. She started to pull up the shirt to see how bad it was but Bennett cut in.**

**"Nichols don't! You pull that up and it will rip out the toothbrush. You do that and she bleeds out before the ambulance comes. I need you to put pressure on the other lacerations. We need to slow the bleeding," he commanded.**

**Nicky fumbled along Piper's abdomen and chest, not being able to tell which slash was the deepest. She did her best to cover as many as possible. Leaning in to provide more pressure, her shirt came in contact with Piper. Her eyes widened as red slowly spread across the front of her uniform. Frantic, she quickly surveyed the area. She was practically kneeling in Piper's blood, staining the white blanket of snow. Holy shit I'm going to puke on a dying girl, Nichols thought, barely suppressing her gag reflex. Her hands had blood pooling around them where Piper's skin was depressed. She tried not to look at the end of the toothbrush poking through Piper's uniform. Or think of how long the toothbrush is supposed to be. How cold Piper's skin felt. How warm Piper's blood felt until it congealed against her hands. Nicky rocked back on her heels and emptied the contents of her stomach, barely clearing her dying friend's body. She could hear the ambulance siren as the roaring in her ears subsided.**

Clearing her throat, Nicky continued. She felt bile burn her throat just remembering the experience. "Piper was just beyond that bitch. You want to know what happened, I'll tell you what I saw. Piper was in the snow and she was covered in her own fucking blood. That is what I saw. She looked dead, I couldn't even feel her breathing. The only reason we knew she was still there was because blood kept pouring from her fucking wounds, Vause!" Nicky clenched her fists. We didn't even know how bad it was because we couldn't remove her shirt. That Motherfucker stabbed her with a toothbrush and I could only see about an inch of it tangled in Piper's torn shirt. I know how fucking long the toothbrushes are! She took a few deep breaths to calm herself. "Bennett had me put pressure on the tears on her stomach and chest to stop the blood flow. I didn't even know which ones to cover or if it was making any difference. I fucking puked Vause. I ripped off my shirt the first chance I got to get away from the bloodstains." She looked over to Alex and met her empty stare. Great. Just fucking great. Vause was going all neurotic on her.

Alex was no longer in the chapel anymore. She'd been sucked into the quicksand of her own mind by what Nicky had disclosed to her. She had thought Piper had just gotten into a skirmish with Pennsatucky. How could it have been more than that? Emotions completely chaotic, she tried to bring herself back to the surface of her consciousness. Why didn't the blonde tell her what was going on? Did Piper do this on purpose? Is it part of her grand fucking scheme to destroy the tiny piece of her heart that she'd left behind? Alex felt lost, out of control. She steeled herself against the tidal wave of worry and fear that attempted to decimate her sanity. She needed a life preserver. Something to bring her back to the present, back fully into control. Nicky's hand on her knee snapped her back. She looked at her friend. Truly looked at her. Behind her strong exterior Nicky was hurting too.

Alex put her hand on top of Nicky's and gave it a comforting squeeze. She trailed her hand up Nicky's arm and pulled her into a rough kiss, forcing her tongue into Nicky's mouth. Nicky pulled back, "What the hell..."

"Just shut up Nicky," came the response.

She pulled her back aggressively and this time Nicky didn't hold back. Their mouths crashed together, tongues invading the other's mouth. Alex pushed Nicky down against the chapel floor, and climbed on top of her. This wasn't about passion. This was about the control that Alex needed back so badly. She slipped her hand under Nicky's waistband and felt Nicky groan against her mouth, dipping one long finger into her. She pulled out and slid two fingers into her as Nicky bucked up against her hand. Gradually Alex increased the speed of her thrusting, holding off just enough to keep Nicky feverish for more. Nicky was going to come on her watch, when she decided it was time and not a second before. With her thumb Alex rubbed circles around Nicky's clit and chuckled as she arched her body off the ground, forcing more friction between their two bodies. Reaching up, Nicky ran her hands under Vause's shirt only to have her hands shoved away. She reached for Vause again but Alex grabbed her hands and pinned them above her head. She didn't want to be touched. Sex was something she excelled at; she loved the control getting people off gave her. In this moment, that was all she cared about. To save her sanity she needed to be in control of something in her life. Alex dug her fingers in faster, increasing the tempo as she felt her mind slipping again. Nicky moaned and pleaded against her, her legs beginning to tremble. The third finger took Nicky by surprise as she yelled "fuck...Vause..." into the bruenttes mouth, her orgasm erupting inside of her. Alex let her ride out her orgasm until she was lying against the ground completely spent. Smiling to herself about what she had done, Alex withdraw her fingers from Nicky and gave her one of her best smirks. She got up and walked over to the door. "We are going to be late for last count if you lay there any longer, and you probably want to wash up first."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments/reviews.


	5. An Unquiet Mind

Polly looked up from her book. Piper still hadn't moved from the position she was in when Polly had arrived. _Then again_ , thought Polly, _she didn't have very many options being chained to the bed_. Still, she was worried about her best friend. She had come every day to sit with her and keep her company. No matter how much she talked or what she talked about, Piper never responded. Occasionally she saw Piper turn to face her but whenever she tried to meet her eyes it was just an empty stare. It was like the Piper she knew wasn't in there anymore. She wanted to get up and slap her and shake her till she snapped out of it but she still had a few stitches in from the worst of the injuries. That was the only reason she didn't knock Piper back into her senses.

She had never seen her best friend this detached before, not even after she'd found out that she had left the drug smuggling bitch. _Those were bad times_ , Polly remembered with a frown. Piper had been depressed and volatile back then; the most insignificant thing would set her off either screaming, crying or both. Luckily she had bounced back after she'd met Larry. Now, after this vicious assault, Piper just seemed like she had given up. Polly hadn't even seen her cry yet and it alarmed her. Piper easily turned into a sprinkler system when she was upset and that was completely fine with Polly; it allowed her best friend to deal with her emotions. And Polly was always right there with a shoulder and box of tissues.

Sitting beside her bed, Polly looked over at Piper again. This was a whole new side of Piper she had never seen. Even after all the years that she had known her. The spark in her eyes was always there. Whether it was anger, pain, excitement, or any slew of emotions: Piper always had a special glint in her eyes.

The first time Piper had looked over at her Polly had noticed something was off. _Well_ , she thought, _technically Piper hadn't looked at her. More like through her, past her, maybe just in her general direction_. Polly had looked into her best friend's vacant eyes and felt her heart plunge into the acid of her stomach. She could tell Piper was hurting, not just from the physical pain. Physical pain didn't cause you to withdraw that far into yourself. She knew her best friend; somewhere in there Piper was wrestling with her inner demons. _This must have been more than just a physical attack,_ thought Polly. She knew Piper was caught up in her own head. She just wished she would let her in to help. That is what kept bringing her back to the hospital: she was going to be here when Piper finally opened up. And frankly, the far-away look scared her. She knew her time with Piper was almost up and she wouldn't see her for a while. She hoped that when the officers took her back to...what was it? Shoe? -That she would feel better. That she could vanquish whatever monsters locked her down mentally and let people in again. Maybe Piper just needed some time.

"Time to go Chapman," one of the guards said as two of them walked into the room. Polly was gathering her things and gave her friend's shoulder a comforting squeeze.

"I'll see you later okay? Call me when you can and I'll be at the very next visiting hours. Please take care Piper." Polly hugged her and walked out the door as Piper was being helped up and put into another set of handcuffs.

Piper sighed and let the guards direct her limbs into new restraints. She kept her head lowered and her hair shielding herself so she didn't have to see the faces of the people staring at her on the way out. She was escorted to the prison van and secured inside. She looked out the window at the barren trees and deserted highway. This was going to be her last glimpse of nature, and didn't it reflect how she was feeling. As much as she wanted to look away from the depressing scene, her eyes stayed glued to the window. Maybe it wasn't that she was going to miss the scenery. Perhaps it was the fact that she was projecting herself onto her surroundings. She felt cold, lost and alone. Like everything was changing around her and she was helpless to stop any of it. She was a bystander in her own life. Her lungs constricted with emotion and she began to feel light headed. Looking down at her hands, Piper admitted to herself that it wasn't like she didn't deserve this. She was a manipulative control-freak who had probably killed another human being. _I don't have the right to deserve anything,_ thought Piper. She jumped as a hand grabbed her shoulder, directing her out of the van. They had arrived.

She was shoved into an all too familiar cell: cement walls, cement floors and lights that never turn off. She placed a hand on her stomach and eased onto the cement slab that was her bed. _Maybe I can just sleep through this whole thing,_ Piper thought. She wondered if human hibernation was plausible. She tried to relax into sleep but found it impossible. Her body was exhausted but her mind was still racing.

She sat up, forgetting that she was supposed to be taking things slowly. Piper fell back as liquid fire seared through her abdomen, quickly reminding her of why she was here. She deserved this. She deserved every ounce of pain that she was feeling. She pulled herself back up and felt the all-consuming agony burn into her again.

"I deserve this!" Piper choked out, tears streaming down her face.

Gasping for air as her sobs wracked her body she repeated the motion several times. The scarred skin on her chest was stretching achingly against the force of her sobbing. She was losing herself. Her own torment was covering her like a blanket, soothing her mind and chasing away her thoughts. Leaving only one feeling: agony. Her blurry, tear-soaked vision darkened as she slipped into the blissful blackness, unconscious.

* * *

Morello entered the laundry room and placed her bag on the table. "Hey, how are you doing?" She looked up at Alex who was writing her out a ticket.

"Just peachy Lorna. How are you?" Alex replied back.

"Oh, I'm good. Hey I heard something that might bring your spirits up." She smiled at her friend.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" came Alex's doubtful inquiry.

"I heard Chapmen's been discharged from the hospital. They took her to SHU today. They didn't send her to psyche," Morello stated cheerfully.

Alex went back to folding her laundry. This was supposed to make her happy? "Cool," she threw back tersely.

"What do you mean 'cool' that is good news!" Morello was confused. She was sure Alex would be happy for the update.

Grabbing another shirt, she folded it before she made her reply. "I don't care."

"What do you mean you don't care? I'm talking about Piper!" Morello threw back.

Alex faced her friend and stared down at her. "I said I don't care. Piper decided she didn't want me in her life. So I decided she won't be part of mine. Simple as that."

Morello pursed her lips and put her hands on her hips. "Seriously?! You two are ridiculous!" She threw her hands up and stomped halfway to the door before looking back. Alex was still folding laundry. She was pissed off that Alex was acting like this after all that had happened.

"Pull your shit together, Alex. I know you care and Piper needs you." She spat, turning on her heel and heading out the door.

Placing the shirt down she looked at the door Morello just disappeared through and shook her head slowly. She was wrong. Piper hadn't chosen her.

* * *

The scraping of a tray is what eventually woke Piper up. She guessed it was dinner, but wasn't sure how long she had been out. It could be morning; this place had a way of blending time. She inched off the bed and sat on the floor, pulling the tray in from the door. It looked like moldy mashed up meatloaf. Her mouth went dry as she brought it closer for inspection.

"I can't do this." Piper said aloud to no one in particular. She felt her stomach gurgle, not sure if it was from hunger or her injury. Maybe just looking at the food was making her sick. Tilting the tray over the toilet she flushed down the food fungus. She returned the tray and stretched out across the floor. There is really nothing in here to do, Piper thought absently. No wonder they end up screaming their heads off after a while. She wondered if this would be her. How long she was going to be in here. How long until her voice joined in with the other phantom voices she heard echoing across the walls.

Her mind drifted back through the years. How had she ended up here? She was from a wealthy family. She had attended prestigious schools. Graduated college with honors. She had even travelled the world with- her hands clutched her sides as images of Alex invaded her mind. She couldn't stop the torrent of memories that came flooding in.

Alex with her blue tinged hair.

Alex smiling seductively at her across the dance floor.

Walking hand in hand down the sidewalk.

Her smirk after she had kissed Piper for the first time.

The frantic concern written all over her face when Piper had fallen ill in Java.

Her alluring confidence as she dealt with her superiors.

The nights they had spent just holding each other.

The way Alex's body felt against hers.

Her smoldering eyes dilated with passion as she looked into Piper's soul.

Piper pushed herself up and gagged over the rim of the toilet, Alex's voice brushing against her ear. _"Let it out, Kid."_

She clapped her hands to her ears in an attempt to get rid of that sultry voice. It didn't work; the voice from her memories amplified until she couldn't even hear herself weeping.

_"So here is what it means going forward.."_ The words burned into her ear. _"You may not come running to me again.."_ She leaned over as bile erupted from her mouth. _"Not with your problems. Not with your love."_ Piper choked on the contents in her throat, gasping for air, her lungs roaring for oxygen. _"Not with your need or sadness or anger, or even your laundry when it is not specifically your laundry day."_ She punched herself along the scars on her chest, finally releasing the last of the acidic substance into the toilet. _"You may never come to me again. Ever"_

Piper screamed, her piercing cry ricocheting off the walls of her personal prison. She screamed to drown out that devastating voice. To drown out the sounds of her bawling, her weakness. To drown out the emotions that she just couldn't fucking deal with. She couldn't fucking handle this. She couldn't handle herself. She couldn't deal with her fucking feelings. She never could. That is why she ran when things got tough, and that was what she was doing now. Running away from herself. Just like everyone else had. She was a manipulative and narcissistic bitch. She wanted to peel off her skin and step out of herself, step away from this disgusting piece of trash posing as a human being. She was the she-devil. Tiffany had been right.

She felt toxic. Every inhale corrupting the air until she released it as poison through her nose, mouth, and pores. Her breath was rancid with acid, her mouth spewing cries and curses, one discordant note after another. Piper tried desperately to reach for the pain again. The physical pain that she deserved; the physical pain that could mute the emotional one. She lurched forward into a crunch and felt her stitches stretch against her diseased skin.

Relief washed over her as she concentrated on the fire burning her front. She rolled over and attempted to do a push up, but her arms shook and her right hand wasn't cooperating. she was too weak to hold herself up. Yet. The burning in her muscles felt glorious. If harming the carcass that was her flesh would send her to psyche, then at least she had this. She could work out until her muscles ached and she collapsed into an exhausted sleep.

_Yes, it was still running,_ she tried to reason with mind through her self-torture. If pain was now the only sensation she was going to endure, then she rather it be this type of pain. The one she could control. The other one could sit there and fester: she knew what she was. She knew that now she was all alone. She had fucked up-No, she _was and still is_ so fucked up that she had driven away the two people she cared about most. Piper knew that her love wasn't worth shit. That she didn't deserve anyone else's love. Nor would she ever. Everyone had left her and she was all alone, exactly what someone like her deserved.

* * *

Nicky stirred around her pudding absentmindedly. Food wasn't her main concern at the moment. Vause was. What Morello had told her Vause said earlier worried her. That, coupled with her actions over the past week, gave Nicky sufficient reason to be watching her closely. Nicky knew what she was doing. Hell, she was the ice princess and fucking fantastic at shutting people out. However, this was different. If Vause just didn't want friends that would have been okay, but her recent advances on Nicky clued her in to something deeper. Maybe she didn't have some fancy-ass education, but she knew how to read people. Especially people that were losing it. She had been on that ledge plenty of times herself and knew how to recognize the signs. Alex was spiraling out of control. She thought back to the library when Vause had opened up and told her about the "swirling darkness in her brain." Nicky was worried that she might try something stupid. She wanted to get through to Vause and let her know that she was there for her, that she had a friend that would help her. Every time she tried Alex just made a move on her. Which, if she was being brutally honest, it wasn't like she didn't enjoy it.

"...Nichols, Earth to Nicky!" She blinked a few times, finally hearing her name.

"What's up?" She asked Big Boo.

"You guna eat that corn?" Obviously she was still hungry.

"Nah, you can have it," she said, passing her food off as Big Boo stored them in her shirt. She looked back over to Alex who was watching her now. "How's it going Vause?" She asked.

"Good, pretty good." She winked at Nicky. Alex knew Nicky had been watching her like a hawk over the past couple of days. She didn't know whether to be touched that she cared or pissed off that she was trying to butt in. Being with Nicky allowed her to retain her sanity. She was just going to shove that other part of her life into the back of her mind and not think about. Compartmentalize. She knew that she would have to deal with it at some point, but until then, anything and everything Piper was being hidden away and cast from her thoughts. Life was normal in this exact moment. Nothing out of the ordinary; just eating dinner with some friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or review.


	6. Life, Man, Fucking Life

A loud rumbling noise once again awoke Piper from her slumber. The Food Fungus was here. She was so famished that she could smell the damn thing even while she was sleeping. Her stomach growled again, this time louder. "Oh, shut up you," she scolded, lowering herself to the floor. She found doing crunches caused her abs to burn and her traitorous stomach to be quiet for a while. Piper looked down and glared at her stomach, daring it to call out again. Her own body was turning against her, crying out for help when she didn't deserve it. It's not like anyone would come running anyway. She was all alone.

Once she started feeling light headed she stopped her exercise. Sadly it was too soon for her muscles and immediately her stomach gurgled and roared in protest. She looked over to the tray. It hadn't been that long, had it? Maybe a week..week and a half? She wasn't sure if they brought food two or three times per day. If it was two, then close to two weeks if she hadn't slept through a meal, otherwise just over one. The only reason she knew for sure that she had been here for a week is that an officer had brought her to take a shower. He had asked how she enjoyed her first week as he walked her to the stalls and she smelt what must have been stale tuna on his breath; it had made her gag. She knew humans could go two to three weeks without food. Was this another one of her faults? That she couldn't resist even SHU sludge?

Piper looked over at the tray as her stomach cramped up. She sighed, pulled it to her and looked at the brick of food, surprised at how heavy it felt. Just holding it made her head swim. _Maybe I could pick around the mold_ , she thought. _I just need enough to stop being so light-headed._ Treacherous thoughts were able to worm their way in past her defenses if she didn't fully concentrate. She broke the lump in half and pulled a piece from the middle. The moment it hit her taste buds she felt nauseous. She swallowed without chewing and forced it down her throat quickly, concentrating on trying to settle her stomach. _I'm going to die in here_ , she felt the lump scraping down her dry throat. _And I'm not sure..._ Her thoughts swam in circles in front of her eyes. If she cared anymore? If it was a good thing? If it was a bad thing? If it really mattered at all? _Maybe this is just.. how it ends._

* * *

Nicky was sitting in the back of the library flipping through a book. She wasn't much into reading but this one had some hot and heavy parts that she was definitely going to look into. Nothing like smutty romance novels to "distract" ya a little bit. Smiling to herself, she scanned through a couple more pages when a word caught her eye. Moan? _Score!_ She flipped back a page and began reading. Halfway through a fucking hot post-argument sex scene she felt someone standing over her. She looked up and Vause was moving to sit down across from her, some old book in her hand. _Shit_ , Nicky cursed to herself. _Vause and her fucking timing._ She watched as she sat and began reading, Nicky bent her head to read the title along the spine. Catch-22? Sounded boring, like something you would read only because someone made you. She bumped her leg against Alex's to get her attention. She nodded a what's up to Vause. Alex just looked back and gave her a half-smile before returning to her novel. Forgetting about the book she was reading, Nicky leaned back and smiled to herself. Finally Alex wasn't just coming on to her. _Well_ , she thought as she shifted her legs, feeling the effects of the book's passage. _Right now I wouldn't mind so much_. She thought of the few pages she read and the memory of her in the chapel with Vause. How goddamn turned on she had been as Vause was burying her fingers inside of her. Nicky caught her mind drifting. She chuckled softly to herself. _What kind of friend am I when someone just wants company and I sit here and fantasize about them?_ She closed her eyes and shook she head slowly, chiding herself.

Alex had heard her friend laughing. "What's so funny?"

Nicky opened her eyes slowly and tried to clear the erotic images from her head. She would rather Alex value her as a friend than a fuck partner. Hell, she loved the sex. Vause was a fucking lesbian goddess. But they were both still obsessed with other people. And they both knew it.

"Life, man." She shook her head. "Fucking life."

Alex nodded and read a few lines from her book. She paused and moved her glasses on top of her head, continuing to read.

Nicky was confused. "Hey Vause, aren't you practically blind without those?"

"Yeah." Came the soft response.

"How can you see those small words then?" Nicky pointed to the book. She didn't understand.

"I don't need to," Alex whispered.

Her brow wrinkled in confusion she guessed, "Is that some sort of riddle or something?"

Alex looked up to the ceiling and closed her eyes. "No, it's not" she sighed, letting the side of her leg fall against her friend's.

Shocked by the contact, Nicky looked down at her leg and smiled. She wasn't good with this whole talking about feelings thing. But if Vause just needed someone to sit with her for a bit, that she could do. _WITHOUT fantasizing_ , she warned herself. She let the weight of her leg rest against Alex's, reassuring her that she was here. At least this was a sign of progress.

* * *

Red looked up from her book as Nicky entered cube. Nichols had been coming to her more often ever since Piper had been taken to the hospital. She loved the kid like her own. After the whole Pennsatucky ordeal Red had been there to keep Nichols in check. Whatever had happened to her that night had shaken Nicky to the core. Red was concerned and didn't want her turning to the drugs again so she invited her into her cube and kept her company. Eventually the kid started to open up and Red would let her rant. Sometimes she didn't know what Nicky was talking about. Other times it was just a string of curse words. Whichever it happened to be didn't matter to Red, as long as it was helping. She was glad to listen and offer advice, as any mother would be.

"How's it going Nicky?" She asked in her thick Russian accent.

"I duno Red. Weird." She threw herself on to the bunk opposite Red, happy that no one was assigned there.

"What do you mean, weird?" Came the Russian's reply.

Nicky sighed. She didn't know where to begin. "Okay. You've seen Vause just as much as I have over the past few weeks. Have you noticed anything different about her lately?"

Red shrugged. "Well she is looking skinnier. Probably Mendoza's cooking. Quieter than she used to be. But her girlfriend is in SHU so that is normal."

"That's the thing," Nicky sat up. "She's too quiet. She wants to be around people but she won't talk. I know I'm not the best person for those kind of situations.." Red looked at her with raised eyebrows. "Look, I know, okay? But she keeps coming to me and I don't want to fuck it up." She looked down at her hands. "Hell I think I already have anyway."

Red was curious now. "Why do you say that?"

"Because I know she's got a lot of things going on inside of her. Shit, you can tell with just one glance that the woman has issues. But when we hang out she doesn't say anything. Or if she does, it's about some obscure thing or another." Nicky vented.

"And that is a bad thing..?" Red implored.

"Well, no. But I try to bring Chapman into the conversation because I know, and you know, and _everybody_ in Litchfield knows that Vause is having one huge mindfuck over that woman." Nicky lowered her voice and leaned toward Red. "But every time the conversation goes there she goes on lockdown or some shit."

"What is this 'mindfuck?'" Red asked, not sure if that was an actual word.

"It's.." Nicky bit her cheek in concentration, unsure of show to explain it. "It's like when your mind is so fucked up over something that it is all you can think about. Usually it is something bad, so when you think about it, it is painful. Very painful. And since you can't stop thinking about it, it is torture. Like remembering a terrible memory. Only over and over and over again. It is a living hell."

Red looked at her figurative daughter with sadness in her eyes. "And talking about Chapman doesn't help?"

"No!" Nicky exclaimed. "And I don't know why! It's like she doesn't even want to hear her name!" She threw up her hands in frustration.

"Maybe she is trying to forget. Russian technique. Very useful in my country. Things go bad? Forget them and they never happened." Red stated matter-of-factly.

Nichols stared at her. "You think Vause is trying to block out Chapman completely?"

"From what you have said, yes," Red offered.

Massaging her temples Nicky got up and looked around the cube. Turning back to Red she whispered, "We've all seen them together. They are practically the other half of each other. The way they gaze into each other's eyes..." Nicky shuddered. She remembered the connection she sensed just watching them. "The point is, she can't do that."

"You're going to tell her how to live her life?" Red questioned doubtfully.

"No. She will. If she is trying to do as you said, she is going to come fucking unhinged. Sure, maybe it is working to keep her sane now. Maybe it is the only way she can deal at this point. But Chapman isn't gone forever. She is coming back from SHU eventually. She's already been there over a month. How can you block out someone who is standing in the same room as you?"

Red stood up from her desk and held out her arms. "Come here Nicky."

Nicky walked into the hug; she could let her walls down around Red. She was worried about Vause. She was worried about Chapman. She was worried about what would happen when Piper's SHU stint was over. Lesbian drama was so damn exhausting. She hugged Red tighter.

"I know it is hard," Red began, "I know it sucks when your friends are hurting. Just do what you can Nicky. Be there for Alex. If she won't deal with her 'mindfuck' yet, when she does, she will need you even more. When Piper comes back, be there for Piper. You know what SHU does to people. Give them time. You are a good friend to those two. I am proud to call you my daughter."

* * *

The smell is what got to Piper first. She rubbed her nose, dispersing the phantom vapors. _My dreams are getting more vivid, I could almost smell fast food. Maybe I have completely lost my mind._ It wouldn't surprise her really. If she wasn't working out, she was hysterical. If she wasn't exercising or crumbling apart, she was asleep. And if she wasn't asleep, then she was probably on the brink of one of the other two.

Right now, she felt too weak to exercise. Last time she tried to choke down the SHU fungus she'd passed out only to wake up in a medical center with an IV stuck in her arm. She didn't know how long she had been out. How may days had passed. That was when she truly lost all sense of time. It became insignificant; she no longer cared. Whatever happened, happened.

She tried to return to sleep but something shifted down by her feet. She opened her eyes and peered in the direction to see a pair of black boots standing over her. Following the boots skyward she looked up into that fatty flaccid face.

Healy.

Immediately she curled her legs in, pulling away from that mother fucking bastard.

"Hello, Chapman." Healy gave her a big grin. "Having a good time in SHU?" He brought his hand from behind his back, holding a white and red bag she would recognize anywhere. Piper glared at him as he took out a yellow wrapper. _I could kill him_ , she swore to herself, her mouth already beginning to salivate. She watched with rapt attention as he pulled back the wrapper and took a bite of the steaming burger. _I'm going to fucking kill him_ , she seethed, her muscles tensing with anger and adrenaline. "Want a bite?" He held the burger out to her. She rolled onto her stomach as it let out a loud grumble. She didn't want to fucking look at him. "Your body needs food Piper. As much as I'd love to see you rot away in here, we can't have another episode like last month. Sending you to the hospital for an IV drip is costly. And frankly, you're not worth it." She heard the crinkle as he took another bite of the burger. "You look like shit, by the way," Healy said through the food in his mouth.

 _If only he knew what the inside looked like_ , Piper thought to herself. "Your body needs food Piper," Healy stated before taking another loud bite. "It is a necessary sustenance," came the muffled follow up. "You know what is not necessary?" She heard him swallow, the sound bouncing off the walls. "Sex. You do not need to have lesbian sex. I told you that when you first arrived, did I not?" She could hear the agitation in his voice.

Piper wrapped her arms around her sides and dug her nails into her skin. Was he seriously going to do this right now? Didn't all of Litchfield know that Alex wanted nothing to do with her? She winced as she thought of her ex-girlfriend. She tried her best to avoid remembering those distressing memories but she couldn't keep her guard up all the time. Keeping the raven haired woman from her thoughts exhausted her. And here was Healy throwing her in Piper's face.

"You are not a lesbian. Lesbians are abominations. They have lost their way and just need a man to show them their mistakes." Piper could picture the smug look on his face. _I am an abomination_ , she agreed silently to herself. _But it isn't because I've been with women. It is because I am Piper Chapman_. She curled herself into the fetal position, causing Healy to snicker to himself.

"You'll get over these lesbian withdrawals soon," Healy said through a laugh, pulling the door closed behind him.

Piper was incensed. Forget the food. She didn't care that he had taunted her. She didn't care that he had called her an abomination. She was livid that he had spoken about Alex to her. Piper could feel her body quaking, a sob caught in the back of her throat. Despair coursed through every fiber of her being and she tried to stop up the influx of emotion that swept through her body. Piper covered her ears against a sudden high-pitched ringing, not realizing the sound was issuing from her mouth. Healy had brought to the surface the one topic that caused her to completely lose her shit every time, without fail. _Alex Vause_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how I am doing, please.


	7. The Final Straw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning - For Mature Adults

* * *

Alex faced herself in the mirror as she waited for the shower to come to temperature. She had become an even earlier riser; no one else was up yet so she had the bathroom to herself. She scanned her face, noting the dark circles under her eyes and the worn look of her skin. _I need to start sleeping more_ , she thought absently to herself. Lately she had been getting fewer and fewer hours of sleep. While she could control the direction of her thoughts during the day while she was around other people, the night was an entirely different matter. Visions of Piper floated up from her subconscious, clouding her head and preventing her from relaxing and falling asleep. Apparently the box she had shoved the memories in turned out to be a jack-in-the-box. Once her mind started churning it would crop up with a different memory, seemingly out of fucking nowhere. Some of the memories made her furious, others made her want to weep. She imagined Piper in her SHU cell. Nicky had told her before that it was just a small room with cement floors and cement walls. Alex imagined Piper laying there, lost and alone for almost three whole months. It broke her fucking heart in these moments. She could ignore any mention of her ex-girlfriend all she wanted in front of her friends: shove it into the box and kick it to the back of her mind. But it always found its way back. Somehow. She really was inevitable to her. The vision suddenly morphed into a familiar scene; Piper and her in the kitchen, her ex-girlfriend in her face screaming at her "I love you and I fucking hate you."

Pained that this scenario had chosen to resurface again, she turned and entered the shower, letting the lukewarm spray beat against her skin. Grabbing the soap she made a thick lather in her hands as she started to wash herself. It was always the worst in the mornings and evenings before the others were awake. She was at her most vulnerable point; she couldn't push the thoughts of Piper away. She felt as her heart rang out a pang of grief that these used to be her favorite times with the blonde.

**Alex nuzzled her face in deeper into the back of Piper's neck. The sun had just broken over the horizon, beginning to stream in through her full wall of penthouse windows. For the moment Piper was out cold, she was surprised at how heavy a sleeper Piper was. They had only spent a couple nights together semi-cuddling since they had met two weeks ago in the bar. Alex smiled to herself, there was just something about this kid that kept bringing her back. If she had stuck to her reputation, by now she would have fucked the brains out of the blonde a few times and then moved on to the next potential mule.**

**She breathed in the scent of Piper's hair, shaking her head slightly so as not to disturb the slumbering woman in her arms. She couldn't make sense of it herself. She was so drawn to this kid. The two times she had come over previously they just ended up talking. Alex couldn't even remember what it was about. It was just everything. The kid was so damn smart she just sat there and listened to her talk, taking in her facial expressions and the different tones of her voice when she got excited, encouraging her to continue at the right moments.**

**Last night Alex had wanted to try something different, see how Piper acted in a different environment, outside of her posh penthouse suite. She had picked Piper up and brought her to an exclusive dance club for the night out, immediately getting them inside and out of the cold. After a few drinks, beer for her and tequila shots for her date, they had wove their way to the dance floor. Immediately they began pulsing to the music with the rest of the crowd. Alex could feel Piper dancing a short distance in front of her, losing herself to the music.** **_Damn, she's just so fucking...enticing_ ** **, she remembered thinking. She wanted to pull the blonde closer to her and caress her body to the thrum of the bass. But no, she needed Piper to engage with her. She had made her move when she approached Piper in the bar two weeks ago; Alex could flirt as much as she wanted but it was ultimately Piper's move now.**

**The next song took Alex by surprise. It wasn't the typical style they played at this upscale type of club, but it was still one of her favorites. Not to mention it was top of the charts at the moment. She shut her eyes and lost her body to the rhythm of the song, whispering the lyrics to the parts she loved most. She felt hands grip her waist and a body suddenly pressing up against her. She brought her arms around to the front and wrapped them around her dance partner. Alex could smell Piper's perfume flooding her nose as she leaned into Piper's neck.**

**Completely overtaken with passion for the woman grinding up against her, she murmured seductively into her ear, "This desert rose; each of her veils, a secret promise; this desert flower; no sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this.." She placed feather light kisses along the base of her neck, "And as she turns; this way she moves in the logic of all my dreams..." Piper had turned around and was running her hands through Alex's long hair. Alex pulled her closer and trailed her fingertips up Piper's chest, resting her hand just below the swell of her breast. She locked eyes with the beautiful blonde, narrowing her gaze and smirking as she felt her grinding against her thigh. Piper pulled her face toward hers and she felt their lips crash against each other.** **_Thata' girl_ ** **. Alex deepened the kiss, finally receiving the green light she was waiting for.**

**She traced Piper's lips with the tip of her tongue, politely asking for entrance. She was rewarded as Piper let her in, their tongues exploring and caressing each other's mouths, teeth and lips. Alex was incredibly turned on, she just wanted to get Piper back to her place and make her cry out her name in ecstasy as she came. Over and over again. Against her hands. Into her mouth. Her skin was practically itching she wanted Piper so badly. Alex fought the cravings of her flesh and remained in place, letting this intoxicating woman grind against her body. It seemed as if they stayed like that the rest of the night: mouths fused together, bodies pressed against each other, hearts pounding with unmet desire.**

Alex shook her head, snapping back to the present from the vision that had overtaken her. Her chest was burning; her lungs were constricted by the memory she had relived. She bent over in the shower attempting to breathe deeply, letting her hair fall around her face. Fuck, that kid had her by the balls since the day she met her. And damn it if she wasn't all worked up now. A little crazed, she looked around the bathroom to check that no one was there. She still had the bathroom to herself. She stepped back under the spray and surrendered herself to the memory that was slowly tearing her heart to pieces.

**Reluctantly she pulled herself from the blonde's sleeping body. The kid had passed out on the bed almost immediately after they had gotten back. Alex didn't mind really; it gave her a chance to observe the blonde as she slept. Alex caressed the outline of Piper's profile with her eyes yet again. She wanted to take a shower and prepare breakfast before sleeping beauty woke up. She didn't know why, it just felt like something she should do. Alex started the shower and went to check the fridge to see what she could throw together for breakfast. It was basically stocked so she didn't worry about it too much. She made her way back to the shower, pulling off her shirt and shorts and dropping them by the edge of the bed.**

**The scathing water felt amazing. She closed her eyes and smiled into the spray.** **_That upgraded water heater was SO worth it._ ** **Alex heard muted sounds coming from the bedroom.** **_Piper must be awake_ ** **, she thought,** **_so much for breakfast in bed_ ** **. She grabbed the shampoo and squeezed some into her hands, forming a thick lather before massaging it into her scalp.**

**The sound of the shower door opening startled her, but she didn't let it show. Her eyes still shut, Alex felt hands on her chest, pressing her back up against the cold wall.** **_Yes. God, yes_ ** **. She dropped her hands from her head and pulled Piper closer to her, winding a hand around her neck to guide Piper's mouth to her's. Their lips brushed ever so gently, Alex could feel Piper's hands stroking her sides, her back, her thighs. She brushed the pads of her hands up Piper's chest, travelling up the swell of her breast, teasing her nipple as she slowly traced her thumb across it. Alex could feel Piper's nipple hardened against her thumb. She could feel the water coursing over Piper's body, warming her skin. Alex couldn't restrain herself anymore; she bit down on Piper's lower lip as she turned around in the shower, pushing Piper up against the shower wall.**

**Travelling down her neck, Alex placed wet kisses on every inch of glistening flesh. She positioned her thigh in between Piper's legs, hands travelling back to the blonde's fully erect nipples. Piper let out a soft moan as Alex's hands kneaded her breasts, her mouth gently biting Piper's clavicle.**

**"Alex..." Piper whimpered as she thrust her hips against Alex's thigh. She felt the warmth of Piper's core against her body. Her eyelids instantly became heavy with lust. Dipping her head she gingerly took one of those perfect perky nipples into her mouth, caressing it with her tongue, earning a drawn out moan from Piper. She smiled as she rolled her tongue against the hardened bud, pinching the other between her thumb and forefinger.**

**"You taste.. fuck.." Alex breathed out, softly biting Piper's nipple with her teeth before providing the other with the same attention, causing Piper to inhale sharply. Alex's thigh was on fire where Piper was sliding against her; her nerve endings excited beyond reason.**

**She trailed kisses back up to Piper's neck, sucking at the skin just below her jaw. Her hands travelled down Piper's body, grasping her knee and pulling it around her waist. Alex massaged her way up Piper's leg, tenderly connecting with her folds. She felt the muscles in Piper's neck tense beneath her lips as she threw her head back, lost in the sensation of Alex's hand.**

**Alex lightly ran her middle finger between Piper's legs. "Oh Pipes.. you're so wet for me.." she murmured into Piper's neck, feeling her own center pulse with longing. She grazed her finger against Piper's clit, loving the spasm that rocked through Piper's straining body. With agonizing sluggishness she ran her finger along Piper's core, forcing the blonde to buck against her hand, craving the friction. Dipping lower, Alex barely inserted her middle finger inside Piper, teasing her entrance with the light touch.**

**"Please, Alex.. please touch me.." Piper exhaled. Alex was more than happy to comply. She pressed her middle finger into the panting blonde, withdrawing it only to repeat the motion. Her grin only broadened as Alex's fingers met with Piper's thrusting hips. For a moment her hand left Piper's back to direct her face toward Alex's, bringing her into a passionate kiss. She wanted the sensation of Piper moaning against her lips.** **_Fuck_ ** **, she wanted that so badly. Curling her finger inside the blonde's flesh, she gradually added her index finger and increased the tempo of her thrusting, sparking a deep moan into Alex's hungry mouth.**

**Carried away on her endorphins, Alex buried her fingers again and again into the thrashing Piper. She wanted more. She needed more of this woman. Her head was clouded with passion, the only coherent thought:** **_she just needed more_ ** **. Alex broke off the kiss, planting one on Piper's forehead. One on each breast. Her belly button. She knelt down slowly, lifting Piper's knee over her shoulder, trailing kisses up her inner thigh. She extracted her fingers from Piper, sucking her juices from her fingers as Piper looked down, earning a groan from the frantic woman.**

**Breathing deeply she inhaled the smell of Piper and let it fill her lungs.** **_I swear she's my fucking pyrocant_ ** **, thought Alex, pressing her tongue gingerly into Piper, tasting her sweet wetness. She ran her tongue along Piper's slit, paying special attention to the bundle of nerves at the end. She pressed her tongue into Piper again, igniting the nerves inside of her. She just wanted to stay here like this. This tender warmth against her lips, the all-consuming perfume of Piper's arousal filling her senses, the soft moaning stroking her eardrums.**

**"I..Alex..I need you.." Piper stuttered as she bucked her hips into the woman's mouth, running her hand through Alex's hair.**

**She smiled as she teased Piper's clit with her tongue, "Better hold on Pipes.." she said into her warm flesh. She inserted two fingers into Piper, rewarding her with Piper arching her back and spreading her legs further in an attempt to deepen her touch. Alex began withdrawing and inserting her fingers slowly, building up the tension within this** **_fucking amazing woman_ ** **, her brain finished for her. Little by little she increased the speed of her thrusting hand, flicking her tongue across Piper's clit in time with the momentum.**

**The tightening of the walls around Alex's fingers gave her warning to Piper's oncoming orgasm.** **_Oh, but I'm not letting her off that easily_ ** **. Her hand shot up to roll Piper's breast against her palm and she expertly added a third finger into the trembling blonde. Alex's mouth latched onto Piper's clit and sucked roughly at the engorged flesh.**

**"Oh god. Oh.. Alex... I'm coming. Alex I'm coming. Uuughhh.." Piper's body thrashed wildly against her as her orgasm tore through her like a wildfire, every muscle straining. Alex kept going, pumping her fingers inside of her, curling to caress her g-spot while her mouth pulled at her core. She let Piper fully ride out her orgasm, supporting her when she finally slumped into Alex's waiting arms.**

"Piper.. Piip.." Alex groaned as she climaxed against her moving fingers. She opened her eyes slowly as her heartbeat decelerated, endorphins coursing through her bloodstream. The water was cold by now but she didn't care. She turned around to rinse the rest of her hair when she froze in place. Nicky was standing at one of the sinks, leaning over to spit out toothpaste from brushing her teeth. _Fuck. Mother fucking piece of shit._ How had she not heard her enter? _You were lost in your own fucking head, Vause_ , she said to herself. _Go ahead, tell her again how you don't want to talk about Piper. That she is "nothing" to you._ Alex clenched her jaw at her own stupidity: she was livid. Why the fuck had she let herself do that?! _I can't even trust my own fucking brain anymore_. She just wanted an off switch for her mind. Just fucking anything. If another thought of that one inmate came up she just wanted to shut off. _Fuck kicking the box back into the closet. That obviously wasn't working worth a shit anymore. Just tear the whole fucking house down._ She quickly dried off and changed in the stall, grabbing her bag and leaving the moment she was dressed. She didn't look at Nicky once.

* * *

Nicky undid her towel and stepped into a shower stall. _Well, that was unexpected. After more than two and a half months of her avoiding anything involving Chapman like the plague, I come in here to find her getting off crying her name. Nice Vause, very nice._ She pursed her lips together. She wasn't sure if she should be pissed or not. It was blatantly obvious that Alex had shut her out now. Sure, maybe she would sit with her and make small talk for a while, but the real bullshit she was dealing with was right there. She fucking saw it. Heard it.

Now she was pissed. What the fuck did she do wrong? She took Red's advice. Gave Alex time to figure her shit out. Stayed by her side when she just wanted to sit in silence. But Vause still didn't trust her? _What kind of bullshit was that?_ She scrubbed soap into her tangled mane of hair. _Fuck it_ , she thought. _When Vause decides she wants to trust me, she can come find me. I've got better things to do,_ her eyes tracing the form of Morello as she walked to a shower stall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: The song was by Sting - Desert Rose; I do not own any part of it. I also referenced a JR Ward term (which I also do not own). Please leave a comment.


	8. Degrees of Reality

Alex watched from an adjacent room as some new inmate crept from the janitor's closet, clutching something under her shirt in one hand and wiping her face against her sleeve with the other. As expected, Pornstache emerged from the closet shortly after. Only back for a few days and he was already back to his old habits. _Men are such fucking pigs._ Time and time again she had to name drop and throw around her status with The Ring into some pig's face or another. It seemed they always chose to harass Pi- _Fuck._ Alex anxiously readjusted her glasses. _Back to business_ , she counseled herself, _you can't let emotions overrun you now. Not when you are so close to wiping them out._ Steeling herself, she made her way to the laundry room for work. Alex had a natural knack for discerning who among a crowd of people were junkies. It had been part of her job when she was with the ring and damn, she had been fucking brilliant at it. Alex had spotted her in the lunch line tweaking out at the slightest disturbance near her. She had sweat on her brow and her hands were rubbing her arms in a nervous twitch. She must just be beginning her withdrawals, thought Alex, a smile pulling at her lips. _This was almost too easy._

With a stomach ache as her excuse, Alex walked slowly from the laundry room, feigning sudden cramps and light-headedness. She walked past Pornstache in the CO bubble on her way to her bunk in the Suburbs to lie down, hoping that the pig was distracted with whatever slutty magazine he was reading.

"Where do you think you're going inmate? Playing hooky from work duties?" He smirked at her as he leaned against the wall just outside the bubble. Alex stopped slowly and turned around to face him, twisting her expression into one of barely controlled pain. She let herself sweat a little and grabbed the nearest wall in mock support.

"Lunch..I don't..I think I'm going to.." _Just this once. Just the one image, you can handle that. Think of the long run, you can flush out the rest later. You got this,_ she urged herself. In a matter of seconds she filled her mind with thoughts of Piper and that fucking wimp of her fiancée. They were writhing against each other in bed, sounds of flesh slapping against flesh, his fucking name issuing from her lips. Alex wasn't pretending any more.

With a groan she collapsed to her knees and retched violently onto the floor between them. "God damn it! Get the fuck out of here!" Mendez yelled, calling into his radio for a clean up.

Her body still trembling, Alex pulled herself from the floor and slowly proceeded toward her bunk. Resting her head on the mattress, she pulled the blanket over her and waited, passing the time battling to repress the images she had conjured. She now legitimately felt sick to her stomach. _Maybe that was a bad idea,_ she thought, wincing as Piper's voice rang out again within her skull. _Please just hurry and up leave_ , she pleaded at Mendez. It didn't take long for Pornstache to move to a different area, seeking fresh air away from the stale smell of vomit.

This was her chance. She crept from her bunk, exaggerating her previous sickly demeanor in case anyone was watching. She made her way to the unassigned bunk area just in time to see the woman rushing to the bathrooms. Alex suppressed a chuckle. _Guess those withdrawals are really starting to kick in finally. Bet she wishes she didn't eat so much at lunch now_.

Alex checked through all the typical places where new inmates had been caught hiding their drugs: inside the pillow, wrapped in the blanket, in the cabinet, in her bag of clothes- _Bingo_. Alex pulled the mid-sized bag of pills from the woman's laundry and quickly hid them in her bra. Without drawing attention she rose and left the bunk, heading back to the Suburbs before Pornstache discovered she was missing. From her quick glance she had seen the tiny blue pills. A closer inspection was needed, but she thought it looked like a bag of Valium. _That would make my fucking day,_ she thought to herself, relief washing over her. Solace from the abyss of her mind was just a swallow away. She knew it wasn't comparable to the heroin she had turned to the first time Piper had left her. Alex's body suddenly craved that explosive rush and acute euphoria heroin provided once the drug entered her system. A groan escaped her lips as she passed a group of people leaving the Suburb dorms. They looked over, noticing Alex's hand on her stomach and the look of discomfort on her face; they thought she was just feeling ill.

They weren't wrong: her mind was ill. It was poisoning her. Only the groan sprung from her mounting desperation. An overwhelming desperation to just get blitzed the fuck out and leave all this shit behind.

* * *

"Hey Boo, how's it do?" Nichols joked in her best thug voice as she sat down at the Suburb's table next to Yoga Jones.

"It would be fucking better if it was taco night. Harlem girls back there don't know how to cook damn pasta." Big Boo lifted a forkful of her soggy, limp noodles as proof. Everyone at the table busted out laughing.

"I knew you guys missed my cooking," came the thick Russian accent. Red walked over with Morello and sat down at the table.

"Hey," Big Boo got excited suddenly. "Maybe you can teach those guys how to cook food right. Like, go over and show them how it's done. You can't eat Cup-of-Noodles for the rest of your sentence Red."

"Just think of all those carbs!" Nicky exclaimed, indicating large breasts in front of herself.

"Nicky!" Morello swatted at her.

"What? Can't a woman appreciate huge titties?" She high-fived Big Boo. Smirking, both women settled down and forced the overcooked food down their throats.

Morello was the first to give up on her slimy pasta. "Hey Nicky, you seen Vause? Heard from some girls she got to leave work early. Stomach flu or something."

"Yea," Big Boo added, "heard she almost upchucked on Pornstache's boots!"

"Can we not talk about this at dinner? I'm trying to eat!" Nicky said forcefully.

The table quieted. _What the hell?_ They collectively thought. _What crawled up Nicky's ass?_ Red broke the silence. "What's up Nicky?" She was met with more silence.

"Is this about Alex?" Morello offered, trying to figure out what was bothering her best friend.

"I'm fucking tired of this shit. I don't know what's going on with Vause. She won't fucking tell me. It's been almost three months and she still doesn't trust me, so fuck it. I'm done." Nicky slammed her silverware down.

"You two are great friends, you really don't mean that. You're just letting your frustration get to you," Yoga Jones stated.

Red cut in, "Nicky you're really the only close friend Vause has since Chapman got sent to SHU. Are you really going to waste all the effort you've invested so far?"

Nicky sighed. "It's just fucking getting to me. If she actually let me help her that would be fine. But I guess I am just her babysitter until I pass some fucking test I don't know about."

"I think it is time that Alex needs more friends," declared Red, looking around the table.

"Yea we can help keep an eye on her," Morello said cheerfully.

"I could try to get her to come to yoga," Yoga Jones suggested. "Even just meditating helps to relax the soul."

"I get your dessert for two weeks and I'm in," bartered Big Boo.

"You drive a hard bargain there." Nicky smiled, returning to her normal self. "How about one week, and I'll throw in some commissary candy," Nicky countered.

Big Boo's eyes lit up. "Deal."

Nicky sat back and relaxed into her seat. She was finally getting Vause help in her own way, even if Alex didn't want it. Her friends were helping to carry the burden of pulling Vause's head out of her ass and confront her shit before it destroyed her. Nicky couldn't resist smiling; even though it started out rocky, this turned out to be a good day after all.

* * *

Piper was being escorted back to her cell. Her wrists were fastened behind her back and the CO's hand was propping her up as she slowly shuffled her way down the hall. They had allowed her to take another shower. She had just stood still under the icy water as it mixed with her tears. The streams running down her body were her tears, her pain, her despair, her loneliness. It was the physical manifestation of her emotions, welling up and pouring out of her; cleansing her soul. She had released her emotions from the prison that was her shell of a body.

As the door creaked closed behind her she stumbled toward her bed slab, pulling herself onto the hard surface. It didn't use to be this difficult. She used to have more strength, more muscle mass. But now her body was consuming itself. She was skin and bones, barely strong enough to hold herself steadily upright, let alone walk unassisted. She turned to face the wall, hip bones scraping roughly against the surface of her bed. Pulling her legs up she hugged her scrawny knees to her flat, scarred chest. She was exhausted from the short trek.

 _You're back. I thought that waterfall would have surely dispelled you. Why is it that you returned? Did you not like the hotel? Did the tour guide show you where to find me?_ The faint outline of Alex's face formed in front of her drooping eyes. Piper could feel Alex's warm breath against her skin. She waited for Alex to say something but she just laid there, her green eyes boring into Piper's soul, accusing her. Blaming her for choosing Larry. Blaming her for leaving when her mother died. Blaming her for breaking her heart. Twice. _I'm sorry. I know I was running and it was unfair to you. It's okay Alex, I know I don't deserve you; I won't bother you again._ Her tear-filled blue eyes met with Alex's green. A shadow passed over the image Alex's face, her green eyes widening with fear. _Piper, you need to move. Pipes, listen to me, get up_. _Shh Alex, it's okay. I'm not going to come running to you. Everything will be fine._ She knew it was a partial lie as she thought it. Everything wouldn't be fine, but Piper didn't let herself linger on it. _Let me get the tour guide to show you the way back, the sun is setting and you don't want to be caught out here in the dark._

 _Pipes!_ Pain erupted in Piper's side, her bones forced roughly against her cement bed. She thought she smelled alcohol briefly. _Leave Alex! The sun is almost set! You don't have to be here! Go!_ The vision of Alex slowly faded as another burst of agony blossomed along her spine, causing her to roll to protect back. Her eyelids struggled open, taking in the blurry sight of the man-bear-pig. _I thought those were just from stories,_ she thought as another blow landed across her legs. _Was that a boot? Where would a man-bear-pig get a boot? Maybe he wore it, he is part man after all,_ she rationalized to herself. _I guess that makes sense._ Another blow landed where her arms were covering her face. She could hear the creature breathing, smell the sourness of his breath.

"I told you SHU would beat the lesbian out of you," came a slurred but familiar voice.

Piper was confused. She didn't know this man-bear-pig that was hurting her, but she recognized that voice. She heard it every time she had walked into her counselors office. The pain she deserved but she didn't like being confused. She had just started to really figure things out and didn't need this wrench thrown into the gears of her mind. She pushed it from her thoughts. _He will leave eventually_ , Piper told herself. Piper gathered her sparse things and withdrew deeper into the caverns of her mind as the onslaught continued. She drew comfort amid the abuse knowing that she had saved Alex from a similar fate.

* * *

Slowly Alex lifted her head from the pillow. Reassured by the soft sound of her cube-mate snoring, she reached into her uniform where she had hidden one of the pills. Placing it in her mouth she took a swig of her water to wash it down. Now it was just a matter of waiting. Alex laid back down in her bed and closed her eyes, hoping the little pill metabolized quickly. She knew what she was doing was wrong. She had been down this path before and nothing good came of it. _No, that's not true,_ she told herself. _It helped me get over Piper once and it can help me get over her again._ Tears welled in her eyes as she remembered how completely shattered she had been when Piper left her in Paris. _Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me._ Tears slowly leaked from the corner of her eyes as she remembered how Piper had sat here, on her bed, only a few months ago. They had been brutally honest with each other; they hadn't lied about who they really were. It seemed like so long ago, yet she could still feel Piper's hand in her's. The warmth from her skin; that unique glint in her lover's eyes that made Alex feel like she could take on the world. But those blue eyes were gone and without them her world had come crashing down around her.


	9. One Sick Fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning - Rated M for Violence in this chapter** You can skip to the next part once you hit "Hello, Chapman."

"Hey Vause, how's it hanging?" Big Boo leaned over the wall of her cube.

"Hey." Alex rubbed her eyes. The bright lights were a pain in her ass and she just wanted to sleep. She laid down on her mattress, hoping Big Boo would go away. She was sick of all the attention lately and it made it more difficult to keep her addiction a secret. Last thing she needed was it getting out now that her friends were trying to be all close and shit. She didn't need other people; she was Alex Vause and would deal with her shit herself, however she goddamn chose.

Big Boo tried teasing her to keep Alex awake. She was sleeping so damn much recently it couldn't be healthy. _I know I'm lazy, but damn._ "I know you are trying to catch up on your beauty sleep, but trust me honey you don't need it."

Alex didn't care for the flattery. She let out a half-assed grunt to show she had heard.

"Didn't see ya at dinner today. Still not feeling well?" Big Boo frowned. She was used to hearing responses like that from Vause. _Getting her to talk is like trying to pull teeth, geesh!_ She wouldn't give up though. She had made a deal with Nicky to look out for Vause and she wasn't going to go back on it. She was starting to genuinely worry about the kid anyway. It was clear something was wrong, she just couldn't place her finger on it. Plus, she was hoping to get more commissary candy out of the pact from Nicky. She would accompany Alex regardless of whether she got the bonus, but a little exploitation never hurt.

"Something like that," came Alex's vague response.

"Hey you know what always helps me. A little 'alone' time, if ya know what I mean." Big Boo wagged her eyebrows up and down even though Vause wasn't looking at her.

"Yea, maybe I can have some of that alone time right now?" Alex questioned, her voice raising a pitch.

Big Boo chuckled, "Sure thing Vause," she leaned in, "just keep it down, there's still a lot people in here." She swaggered back to her cube, proud to have been of some help. Nothing like some good ol' Big Boo advice.

 _Jesus I thought she would never leave_ , Alex thought to herself. She quickly took another Valium and faceplanted onto her pillow. The overhead lights seared her eyes and moving made her dizzy. She breathed deeply against the cotton, willing it to stay in place tonight. Somehow it always managed to make its way into her arms. Day after day she would wake up clutching her pillow as if she were holding on to the memory of her little spoon. Holding on for dear life. _My life doesn't matter anymore,_ her fuzzy mind said. _My life was Piper. She's gone, wants nothing to do with me. I'm not strong enough to move on from that. I wasn't the first time, what made me think this was different?_ She tried to calm herself by taking slow, deep breaths. Alex felt her senses dull as the drug's effects kicked in; slowly she began to relax enough to slip into a dreamless sleep

* * *

Morello and Red sat next to Nicky in the grass after dinner. The days were getting longer so there was still some light in the sky and they didn't have to go back inside yet. They needed the privacy anyway; they wanted to discuss Alex.

"You two see what I'm seeing?" Nicky knew Red and Morello both understood what she was talking about.

"Vause has changed her routine. Gets up late, goes to bed early," stated Red.

"Well, how do you know that is bad?" Morello inquired. "Maybe she just wanted to mix it up a little bit. She could just be depressed. I read in this magazine that sometimes when you get depressed you sleep a bunch."

"No," Nicky dismissed the idea. "If that was the case then that would have started when Chapman first went away. This is new. You guys have been helping me watch her for a week now. Has she voluntarily approached either of you for company?" Nicky looked to her friends.

"No, I watch from my cube." Red gave her update, "I can see a little bit into hers. She looks around, seems like, every few minutes. Then if she's not working she sleeps. Doesn't socialize. I did see Big Boo trying to talk to her before we came out her. But you ask me, smells funny."

"Well when I see her she is pleasant." Morello added. "If I have time after a route I stop by the laundry room to say hi. Most of the time she is preoccupied, but when I get her attention she seems happy." Morello's pitch went up a level, proud of herself, "a few times I've even gotten her to smile!"

"Fuck you guys seem to be having better luck than me. She wakes up barely in time for work, and Luschek has been keeping me inside electrical lately so I can't stop by. I see her during lunch but that is about it. After work she just sleeps." Nicky looked around, trying to make sense of it all. "And the weekend the asshole didn't even leave her cube except to piss!" Nicky added, slightly upset.

"Do you think.." Red stopped. She knew what she said next might send Nicky into a rage if she was right. She really hoped she was wrong.

Nicky scratched her head. "On occasion Mom, but right now it's pretty fucking hard to guess what you are thinking."

"Do you think," Red said slowly, "that it is possible that she has gotten...something?"

"Why would..." Nicky paused and thought about it. Mendez was back from his suspension. It would make sense why Vause was avoiding her more than anyone else. They had both been through the ringer with drugs before. Alex had seen her scar from her heart surgery. Not to mention those NA meetings they went to were a complete joke. Combine that with the constant sleeping. Skipping meals. "No fucking way. No Fucking Way!" Nicky seethed through clenched teeth.

"Nicky calm down, it was just a thought, we don't know for sure." Red tried to placate her daughter.

"What are you guys talking about?" Morello asked, completely lost.

Pacing, Nicky started flipping out. "You're right Red. I didn't even see it. How the fuck did I not see it? I'm going to kick her ass. I don't care if she's a giant and has reach on me, I'm going to fucking rip her a new asshole!"

Morello stepped in front of Nicky and placed her hands on Nicky's shoulders. "Breathe Nicky. I don't understand. What is going on?" There was a hint of panic in her voice at seeing Nicky so wound up.

"Vause is getting drugs from Pornstache!" Nicky harshly whispered. Morello's eyes widened in shock. "She's fucking using again, damnit!" She just wanted to hit something and Vause's face was at the top of her list at the moment. Nicky stomped toward the doors, almost reaching them when she felt Morello grab her from behind and pull her back.

"The fuck do you think you're doing! Get off me! I'm going to kill her!" Nicky tried to wrestle herself away from Morello's grip, to no avail. "Who the fuck does she think she is? She's got friends in here damnit! She's not all on her fucking own where she has to turn to that shit!" She felt her temper rising. Vause had turned to drugs before trusting her friends to help her though her mindfuck. Before trusting Nicky who had her back from the beginning. _What the fuck does that say about my friendship._ She felt Morello's arms wrap around her neck and pull her into a hug as she stood there seething. Thinking of all the ways that Vause had just royally pissed her the fuck off.

Red approached the two. "Barging in there and putting Alex on display isn't going to help matters Nicky. You know that too. We've got to fix this the right way." She saw Nicky's shoulders slump, defeated. Nicky knew Red was right. Red somehow knew how to handle junkies: getting them to quit and helping them through the withdrawals. Nicky had firsthand experience. Morello and Red each grabbed a hand and directed a suddenly sullen Nicky back to where they had been sitting. "Okay, so here is what I think might work..."

* * *

She felt a hand press against her arm. "Alex please just go," Piper flinched at her touch. Too exhausted to open her eyes, she hugged her ribs tighter. _Why did she keep coming back? Haven't I told her enough that I am sorry? That I was wrong? That I understand I had pushed Alex too far with my machinations?_ She just wanted to be alone. Alone with her pain, her misery. Every inhale sent a torrent of lightening throughout her chest. At most times she didn't know why. At others, she...couldn't think about it. Lucidity had become her nemesis. She didn't like the thoughts that formed within her head. The logical explanations that forced her to come to terms with what had happened. As detrimental as her delusions and hallucinations were, Piper preferred them to the reality that was waiting for her.

On occasion Piper found herself talking with her mother. Finally confronting the WASPy hardass about who she really was. How she was different and didn't want the yuppie life that her mother wanted for her. How it wasn't prison that had changed her, but forced her to reveal who she actually was underneath all the make-up, self-importance, and fancy clothes. Other times Polly was there, shaking her head and telling her she couldn't be friends with someone like Piper; she didn't want to raise a child around her. It had hurt but Piper had understood; she wouldn't want to raise a child around herself either. Once, she saw Larry. She was looking in through their apartment window as he sorted through their belongings. He had been placing her items in moving boxes and tossing gifts she had given him over the years into the garbage. She had looked on with apathy; he deserved better than her. Piper was almost glad that he was getting another chance at life, away from her corrosive grasp.

Most of the time it was Alex who visited. Alex always found her no matter where she was hiding. It was unfair. She was doing her part to stay away. Protecting Alex from harm; protecting her from herself. Piper felt her body being lifted up. "Alex I said stop," she whispered feebly, batting at the apparition of Alex. Alex stayed there, mouth agape and eyes wild with emotion. "Please leave me alone..." she sobbed. The movement was causing her barely healed bruises to spark to life. She felt like she had been hit by a semi-truck as she was roughly pushed to the floor of her cell.

"Hello, Chapman. Miss us?"

Recognition flared within Piper's head. Oh god not again...she desperately clawed her way through her brain, searching for the vortex of oblivion she could sink herself safely into.

"How's my favorite inmate doing today? Good I assume?" Healy's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"There's the budding electrician. I could bring that manual down and maybe you could finish reading it. But where would the fun be in that?"

Luschek? _What was he doing here? Was he even allowed down here?_ Piper's classic quick temper flared momentarily. Flared and fizzed out as she was roughly yanked by her hair back toward her bed.

"I brought a friend here to help me teach you a lesson. Lesson on what a real man feels like. Show you how disgusting lesbian sex is compared to having a real man inside of you. Figured you wouldn't mind the assistance of an old teacher. He said you were such a good student. Plus there's a light down here that needs to be fixed." Healy taunted her.

"Or maybe it just needs to be screwed in a little bit," Luschek growled.

Piper looked up in horror. "Please don't...I'll...I'll tell Caputo!" she pleaded with the two officers who were closing in on her. "Someone...Someone will find out..." Desperation hitched Piper's voice an octave higher.

"Oh yeah? Just like the little screwdriver incident?" Healy pulled something from his pocket. Piper's eyes widened as they slid across the weapon she had attempted to protect herself with. She never knew what had happened to it; she never really cared. But if Healy had it, that meant it wouldn't be processed as evidence against her, right? She wouldn't be charged with an extra five years?

"You caused a lot of problems with that little tool, Chapman. And that camera outside the chapel that was so conveniently on the fritz... I am just so terrible with paperwork." Luschek sneered at her.

Piper turned and cowered against her bed as Healy raised his fist above her. The blow landed on her already bruised kidney, causing her to yelp in pain. The second impact ignited a wave of nausea throughout Piper. She leaned forward and threw up onto the wall of her bed. She felt someone move up against her backside as she went into a full-blown panic. "Y..You can't do this!"

"I can do whatever I want, and I'll tell you why. If anyone finds out, if you say a word to anyone, your little lesbian girlfriend will never see the outside of a cell for the rest of her life. I will personally make sure she gets sent to Max. "Healy leaned into her ear, "and she will die there. I'll make sure it is in the papers so you can see what becomes of her body." Piper felt Healy press up against her, his cock a hard length indented in her ass.

 _Alex..._ Piper deflated, the will sucked from her sickly body. _Alex I'm sorry, I will protect you...Please forgive me._ Salty tears poured from her eyes as she felt her pants being shoved down. _This isn't happening. This isn't happening to me._ Pure, unadulterated terror stopped her mind in its tracks as she felt something force its way inside of her. Paralyzed, she shut down her mind. She imagined her head was a house and she systematically went into every room and shut off the lights. If nobody is home the intruder has no one to hurt.

Piper was away on vacation; the steady ebb and flow was the ocean current. _I always loved going into the water at the beach._ She saw the form of Alex in the sand, waving at her to come back to shore. Piper felt the current pulling her out further. Out of nowhere a wave crashed over her head and she felt herself sucked under the spray. Disoriented, she tried to find the surface. She could feel her lungs screaming for air, the rip current beating at her body. _Please just let me die here_ she pleaded to a god she didn't believe in. As if answering her prayers, the turbulence shuddered to a halt. With the bubbles cleared from her vision Piper was able to break the surface, gasping for air. Her eyes were raw from the salty water and she couldn't see Alex. She couldn't even see the shore. A jagged pain tore throughout her ass as she felt herself yanked under the surface once again. _I've been bit, oh god I am going to be eaten alive_. Her rear was liquid lava and she thought she could taste blood in the water. Piper heard muted sounds of the predator while it gnashed on her flesh. As the swirling ocean depths consumed her she prayed to the heavens. Alex, please be safe...

* * *

Nicky looked up from her lamp. Luschek was such an asshole, sitting there drunk off his ass, a smug expression plastered on his face. He smelled like a dirty brothel when he'd walked in this morning. Bastard must have paid some gross prostitute to suck him off or something, Nicky mused. Her and Watson were the only two who hadn't been sent out to run errands yet. She hadn't been assigned any outside work in a while and she was itching to go check on Alex. It didn't matter what part of the grounds they were assigned to go, there was always time for a short visit. She just had to get out of the damn building first. It was just past lunch when Luschek stirred in his seat.

"Nichols, Watson. Go fix the washer that keeps leaking." Well, smirked Nicky, that sure as hell makes it easy. Luschek shuffled through some papers as the girls left the building. Nicky thought she saw him reaching for his lotion as she shut the door behind her. _Man, he is one sick fuck._

* * *

Morello slowed the van as she approached the SHU building. She was dropping off Nicky's old roommate for getting in a fight with another inmate in the showers. It happened once in a while. Most women were cool about it if they weren't into "that sort of thing", but once in a while someone snapped or pushed too far. Morello sighed as the woman was escorted from the van. She knew Nicky had gotten along with the woman and hoped that whoever replaced her wasn't some weirdo. _Well, I also hope she's not too good lookin' eitha_. Morello didn't know if she would be comfortable if Nicky shared a room with someone who she felt attracted to. She missed her times with Nicky, though she wouldn't admit it out loud. Morello shook the thoughts from her mind. I can't do that to Christopher. Putting the car back in gear she reversed the van to head back to the main building.

"Inmate Morello! Hey, Morello!" She heard a booming voice call her name. She put the car in park and looked back out the window. Healy was standing there, red in the face from his outburst.

"Yeah?" Morello responded.

"Hold on, got another one coming." Morello sat back in her seat and looked through one of her many wedding magazines. It was a boring job but she'd rather be bored than doing other people's laundry or cleaning toilets. The door to the van slid open and an inmate was roughly shoved inside onto the bench.

"Welcome back," she said absently, still flipping through the magazine. She knew how people acted getting out of SHU and wasn't surprised when she didn't get a response. Morello looked into the rearview mirror at the inmate hunched over the seat. The woman's shoulders were shaking and Morello couldn't tell if she was crying or just cold. She decided the former since it was a nice day outside. "Hey, I hope those are happy tears. You get to come back to civilization today." Morello offered a smile to the woman, who had leaned over sideways, collapsing onto the bench. Her hair shifted with the movement to reveal parts of her face.

"Chapman?!" Morello barely suppressed a squeal. _Welcome back indeed!_ Her eyes lit up thinking how excited everyone was going to be now that Chapman was back with the group. They would help her get used to being around people again. Solitary did that to some people, caused them to keep to themselves after a stint in SHU. How long had it been? Morello counted off the weeks on her hands. _Jesus, sixteen weeks_ ; Chapman had been gone for four months. Morello shuddered and looked back to her friend. She looked like a stray dog caught in a monsoon. Her orange uniform was hanging off of her, her face was gaunt, skin all blotchy, hair a tangled and stringy mess. She was shaking like a leaf. Morello wanted to reach out to comfort Piper but knew it would only do more harm than good. She didn't want to frighten the girl more than she already was. _Maybe if I just talk to her she might calm down a bit. Remember that I am a friend._

"I've missed you Chapman. We all have. I'm glad you are finally back. Everyone will be so excited to see you." Morello thought she heard Piper moan, but it might have just been the engine. The crappy van didn't do well on the dirt roads. "Are you excited for real food? Red's been helping out in the kitchen again so make sure you don't say anything bad about the food. She's not running it or anything but the CO's got sick of food poisoning so now Red and Mendoza both share the kitchen. It was...tough at first but I think they are learning to work with each other. Like a little team, sorta." She peered back at Piper who had raised her arms to cover her face. Morello thought she saw something peeking out from under the uniform, but had to turn her attention back to driving. "I've heard stories about what they serve down there. I swear they treat dogs better!" They pulled up to the gate yard and Morello slowed the van down. Hopping out she pulled open the side door for her friend. "Come on Piper, let's reintroduce ya to everyone."


	10. Enemy of My Enemy

Piper didn't move. "Come on Chapman, you can't spend all day in the van." Talking didn't seem to help matters and Morello wasn't even sure if Piper heard her anyway. _I've got to get her out of here before a CO comes,_ Morello worried that Piper would get thrown back in SHU just for the hell of it. Some of the CO's here were sick. She hesitantly placed a hand on Piper's boney ankle. Morello tried to calm Piper with her soothing voice, "It's going to be okay, you can lay down in a few minutes. We just have to get you to your bunk, okay hun?"

Morello's touch was a shock to her skin. Piper immediately curled her legs into the fetal position, out of reach from further contact. Physical contact had become an early warning signal for abuse. She was on the alert now, senses straining for signs of danger. Her head was still spinning from all the noise and she felt queasy from the bumpy ride. Piper let her glazed eyes travel over her old friend. _It's just Morello. And she's right, you need to move. It's not safe here._ Piper struggled to lift herself upright and scoot to the edge of the seat. Morello stepped back a few feet, giving Piper room to hop down from the vehicle. If Chapman accidently bumped into her she didn't want to have to chase her all over the grounds or something. Morello had seen some crazy things in her time from people coming back from SHU.

Slowly but surely Piper eased herself onto the ground. She found if she locked her knees she could support herself. She tried not to think of the fact that she had to hold the side of the van for balance too. How was she going to walk? Every cell in her body screamed out it's indignation. Places she didn't even know had pain receptors were overloading her brain with sensory input. It hurt to breath. To stand. Her head swam as her eyes involuntarily fluttered. She just needed to lay down. Hey, she almost managed to not grimace, the Earth was coming up to help her.

When she saw Piper's eyes roll back in her head Morello had known that Piper was about to faint. She tried her best to catch her friend but only managed to knock herself down as well. Extracting her limbs and clamoring up, Morello attempted to yank Piper onto her feet. The woman was a lot taller than her and there was no way she was going to able to carry her deadweight to her bunk. Gripping her uniform, Morello pulled her up against the side of the prison van, head lolling onto her chest. _What the hell happened to her down there?_ Trying to form a plan, Morello looked down onto her friend with sadness in her eyes. _What is that?_ The side of Piper's shirt had ridden up when she had slid down the side of the vehicle. Morello crept closer and waved a hand in front of her friends face: Piper was out cold. She gingerly lifted the uniform higher, exposing a larger area of flesh.

"Oh. My. God. Piper.." Morello furiously blinked back tears as she shoved her shirt higher. Her skin looked like marble: deep purples mixed with royal blues, blood red scratch marks accenting the ghastly scene. Shoving the shirt down Morello stumbled back a few paces. _I need to get help. Who did this to her? Those marks reach around her back, she couldn't have done that to herself, right?!_ On the verge of a panic attack herself, Morello tried to figure out what to do. Getting a doctor was out of the question. She couldn't get a CO to help, who knew which ones were in on this. She couldn't run and get Alex; that would do more harm than good. She's probably high as a kite right now. They still hadn't had the chance to approach her yet about the drugs. But now with Piper back, time had run out for Alex: they could no longer afford to deliberate on the issue.

Knowing that every second she stood there was another second closer to possibly attracting the attention of a guard, Morello sprinted across the grounds toward the electrical building. She needed Nicky's help with this. Nicky always knew what to do.

* * *

Watson rolled her eyes at Nicky's raunchy joke. "You're sick, you know that right? Like, for real, sick in the head."

"Hey thanks!" Nicky retorted, "And fuck you too!" Both girls busted out laughing, surprised they were actually semi-getting along.

"Nicky! Wait Nicky come back!" She turned as she heard her name. Coming at them in a full out run was her lovely ex-fuck buddy, Morello. _Only ex for a while, I'm workin on that,_ Nicky corrected her mind. Coming to a halt in front of the two girls, Morello grasped her knees and took a couple deep breaths before grabbing Nicky's hand and dragging her back in the direction she had come.

"Woah, Lorna, what's all this about?" She tried to drag her heels in the dirt but lost ground regardless. She motioned for Watson to follow in case she needed to restrain her friend. She was acting a bit psycho.

Once Morello felt Nicky follow her on her own she tried to explain herself. "Nicky it's Chapman.. I don't know what to do," Nicky saw tears forming in Lorna's eyes. "She just collapsed and I didn't mean to see. It was just there. I couldn't help it!" She choked out on a sob.

Completely confused, Nicky gave Morello's hand a comforting squeeze. If she could get her to calm down maybe more of this would make sense. She tried to piece together the information she had so far. _Something had obviously upset Morello. It had to do with Chapman. Which might mean Chapman is back. Yes, it had to because she said she saw something when Piper collapsed. Okay so something is wrong with Piper._ Feeling a little more confident about the situation after a few moments, Nicky asked, "what did you see?" Morello looked over at Nicky and shook her head, wiping her eyes with her free hand. They were approaching the van and Nicky could see what looked like Piper slumped against the side. She wasn't even sure if that was really Piper. Maybe an imitation scarecrow of her friend, but definitely not the real flesh and blood woman. As they drew closer, however, Nicky knew she was wrong.

"Shit, what happened to blondie?" Nicky almost forgot that she told Watson to follow them.

"She got out of the van and the next thing I know she was fainting. I tried to catch her but it didn't work so well." Nicky noted the grass stains on Morello's knees. "I couldn't carry her so I propped her against the van." She lowered her voice and glanced at Watson.

"Hey I don't got no beef with Blondie. She was in the SHU for four months. That shit wipes any slate clean. Plus she chill with Taystee. We cool." Watson reassured Morello, who still eyed her suspiciously. "Fine, I'll turn around. Geeze what are we five fucking years old?"

Seeing that Watson was looking the other direction, Morello approached Piper and lifted the front of her shirt a few inches. She didn't need to lift it more. The contrast between the purple and orange alarmed Nicky. Her hand shot out to pull the uniform higher. "Fuck..." she hissed between her teeth.

Neither of the noticed Watson turn around at Nicky's gasp. "Jesus shit on a mother fucking stick..."

Nicky was on her in a second. "If you speak about this to anyone.. Anyone, I will personally cripple you. Won't be able to run the track with those sexy ass legs, now will ya, Watson" Nicky smiled at her menacingly.

"Calm down Nichols. I said we was cool. Look, who sees you in SHU? During my time: no one but CO's, and I ain't got one ounce of love for them bitches. Enemy of my enemy is my friend yo. That shit's for real." Nicky looked pointedly at Watson.

"Fine. Will you help me get her to a bunk? We need to get her out of the yard. If we carry her that will draw a fuck ton of attention. We need to make it look like she is walking and just weak." Pulling at her sleeves Nicky took off her jacket and started to dress Piper. "If anyone sees these bruises we are fucked and so is Chapman. We have to be careful. Morello, can you stay ahead of us and warn us if a CO or anyone is coming?"

* * *

Sitting at the end of Piper's temporary bunk, Nicky reflected on everything that had just taken place. This couldn't have happened at a worse time. Piper was back from SHU, at the moment unconscious, emaciated, and badly beaten. Nicky had checked her body once they had gotten her into the bunk. Morello watched the hall and she had sent Watson to return the tools after reinforcing her threat to incapacitate her if she told anyone. They would get to the washer later. Piper's stomach and chest had been peppered in deep purple bruises that wrapped completely around her body. Unsure of whether or not she should check, Nicky had pulled down the waistband of Piper's pants and saw that the lesions intensified the further down she went. Upon seeing that Nicky decided she was going to fully inspect her friend's body while she was still unconscious. Piper would hate her for it, but Nicky had to know the full extent of the damage.

There were green and yellow traces of fading bruises on Piper's arms and shoulders. Some sprouting at the very edge of just forming splotches. Nicky drew in a breath. _How long had this gone on? What am I even looking at? Fading bruises mean that whatever happened was more than a one-time deal. Fuck._ She took a closer inspection of Piper's abdomen and chest. Normally this sort of intimacy with another woman would turn her on, but for the first time her libido stayed under control. Piper's ribs stuck out like a bent bird's cage and her vertebrae reminded Nicky of a dinosaur sculpture she once saw in a museum. The pale scars on Piper's front stood out against the rainbow of her flesh. Some of them Nicky remembered trying to stop up while they were waiting on the ambulance. Fresh gouges ran down her sides and if Nicky didn't know any better, she could swear those came from fingernails. It would be consistent with the bruising.

"Fuck..." she sighed, scratching the back of her head. Chapman's obviously been through some fucked up shit. Nicky didn't know how fucked up but if Piper's body was any indication, then it must have been pretty fucking awful. _And if her body is in this state, how do you think her mind has fared?_ she pondered. Vause had relapsed and Piper had been abused. Somehow, she had to keep the two of them apart. Not only would Vause not want Chapman to see her high out of her mind, but if Vause caught on that something was wrong with Piper, she would go apeshit. _Fuck that! I don't even know how she will react when she finds out Chapman is back. Last thing Chapman needs right now is more drama._ Nicky knew that behind the stone cold bitch façade Alex was crushed over what had happened to the blonde. Just another thing Vause hadn't admitted to herself, yet all of Litchfield knew. If Vause knew that it was worse than just being almost killed and then thrown in SHU ( _as if that wasn't bad enough_ ) for a while she would have a psychotic break. If she were in Vause's place and Lorna in Chapman's, she couldn't be held responsible for her actions and would probably get herself locked up in SHU for life. Nicky wasn't going to let her friend do that to herself. On the other hand, from her experience in SHU Nicky knew that it was going to take a lot of time for Chapman to adjust back to community life. If she could at all. _Shit, how am I going to do this?_

Grumbling from below gave Nicky her first clue at what needed to be done. Other inmates were just getting released from their work duties. Dinner would follow and she could save Chapman something to eat. The woman needed as many carbs as she could sneak her but after inspecting Chapman's body she doubted if anything that wasn't liquid would hold. Grabbing a pen, Nicky scribbled a note to Chapman telling her that she would be back in a bit and not to go anywhere. _The less she wanders around the easier it will be to keep Alex in the dark_. She placed it by Piper's head so when she opened her eyes she couldn't miss it.

* * *

Alex strolled leisurely back to toward the dorms. She didn't want it to seem as if she was in a hurry just to skip dinner and go to sleep. Habits like that arouse suspicion and the last thing she wanted to do was draw attention to herself. But slowing her pace proved to be a challenge. Need was in the forefront of her mind. Trying to push it away only made her realize how pathetic she had become. How weak. Alex hated these moments. The periods in between doses. She could actually feel the strain on her body: her racing heart, weakened muscles, trembling hands, shortness of breath. _Well, the last one might not be from the Valium_ , Alex confessed. _No, that one is from the shards of my heart that jammed in my lungs._ She tried to inhale deeply but instantly felt the stabbing pain in her chest. Alex closed her eyes and walked the rest of the way down the hall.

"Hey Vause." She heard at her elbow.

"Hey Nicky." Alex said without opening her eyes. She hadn't heard Nichols approach her.

"Got a minute?" Nicky asked quietly.

Alex stopped in the hallway, "sure, what's up?"

"Actually I was wondering if we could walk the track for a bit. Fresh air." Was it just her or did Nicky sound nervous? She shook her head slightly. _I think I'm getting paranoid._

They took the nearest exit and made their way toward the prison's sorry excuse for a track. Nicky noticed that Watson was already there, completing who knows how many laps. Watson locked eyes with Nicky across the field, nodded, and went back to her music. She released a breath she didn't know she had been holding in.

"Air that refreshing?" came Vause's dry remark.

"After spending half the day breathing in Luschek's putrid stink, yeah it is." Alex nodded in silent agreement. She had passed the guy in the halls a few times and it was always the same: booze and BO. It was a wonder how he kept his job. Alex thought about pressing the matter as to why today was different than any other but let it drop. Nicky asked her out here so she would just wait till Nicky got to the point.

They had walked almost a whole lap before Nicky relented. Nicky bumped elbows with her. "Thanks for walking with me Vause. Guess I just needed some company." Alex knocked elbows with her friend, returning the friendly gesture. Instead of veering off and heading for the door Nicky continued into another lap. Alex waited patiently for the crazy blonde to say whatever was on her mind.

* * *

Each and every way Nicky formed the question in her head she promptly dismissed as stupid. _Fuck I suck when it comes to personal shit,_ Nicky cursed herself. Nicky couldn't talk to Alex about her or Chapman, her two biggest issues at the moment. She needed some insight on where Vause was inside her head. Was she still pretending to hate Chapman? Was she still pissed that Piper "chose" Harry? Was she still just trying to block the blonde out? Was she still convincing herself that Chapman wasn't a part of her life? It was obvious that Vause was avoiding something with the drugs but she didn't know which it was. Now that Chapman was back it was essential that she knew where Alex was at in her head. Maybe she finally admitted to herself that she loved Chapman and was using the drugs as a way to block out her regret. Maybe she missed Chapman so much that she used the drugs to blur the memory of her. Or even to pretend that she was still around. The variables were endless. There were all these uncertainties and Nicky needed more specifics. _I guess I could try to just take it one step at a time._

Nicky kicked a patch of dirt. "We are friends, right Vause?"

"Of course Nicky. You're the best friend I've got in this shithole," Alex offered.

Nicky nodded and focused her gaze somewhere off into the distance. "Friends stick together right? Through thick and thin. Hell or high water. All that fluff."

The brunette's eyebrows knitted together. "Yeah of course. That is what friends are for." _What is she getting at?_

Nicky continued staring off into the distance, avoiding the eyes that she knew were focused on her now. "You know I wouldn't do anything unless it was for your own good right? I'm like your wingman. I've got your back, even if it might not seem like it at the time."

Red alerts went off in Alex's head. _What did Nichols know? Had she seen? Was she going to turn her in?_ "Sure, okay." Alex forced her voice to remain even. "What's this about then, Robin?"

Nicky chuckled and allowed herself to meet Vause's inquisitive stare. _She smells bullshit like a shark smells blood, I'm just going to have to get to the point and hope she doesn't close me off further_. "I need to know something." Nicky steadily held the taller woman's gaze. As the next words issued from her mouth Nicky could discern a shadow cross Vause's features. "I need to know where in that head of your's you are with Chapman."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcome.


	11. Unsolicited Support

"Fuck off Nichols." Alex turned to leave the track area.

"Vause. Turn around." Nicky stood there with her arms across her chest. "Even if you never take me seriously again, take me seriously right now. I'm not just fucking around."

Alex stopped and turned back to her friend. She had never heard that tone from Nicky: anxiety laced with determination. She was curious now. What was Nicky so worried about? Her? _That can't be it because I've been fucked up for months. Or maybe she is just finally fed up with my bullshit. Maybe she doesn't know anything about the Valium and she is just fishing._ Alex pushed her glasses atop her head and massaged the bridge of her nose. Nicky saw Alex's hands tremble slightly. _Fuck she must be in bad shape_ , thought Nicky while Vause deliberated. _If I am going to do this I have to commit completely. I can't be hurt by her again_ , the brunette thought, building up her resolve. Alex took her time forming her response and repeating it back to herself.

"Inmate Chapman is no longer a part of my life. I want nothing to do with her." She let her cold stare drift down to Nicky.

Nicky sighed and slumped. _What was I expecting, for her to just come out and confess her all-consuming non-lesbian love for the blonde?_ At least she had some insight now. Nicky had been right in her prediction earlier: she would have to keep the two separate for as long as possible. Chapman needed time to heal and get reacquainted with being around people. Vause needed to quit the drugs and get over herself about Piper. Or at least talk it through with someone, Nicky thought. After four months of trying Nicky didn't get her hopes up. She'd make sure Vause had company, but like Red had said, Chapman needed help getting over her SHU stint. At the time however, Red didn't know how fucked up Chapman's time in solitary had been. No one knew really, yet. "That line is a bunch of bullshit and we both know it. When you decide you'd like to pull your head out of your ass, come find me." Nicky cut across the field, heading for the cafeteria.

* * *

Big Boo and Morello were sitting at the Suburbs table when Nicky entered the cafeteria. "Hey, Boo want a candy bar?"

"Depends who's pussy I gotta lick for it." Big Boo said smiling.

Nicky winked and nodded to the back of the kitchen. Red was there cleaning some of the pots and pans she'd used to prepare dinner. "Hey Mom."

"Hello Nicky, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Red asked, seeing Big Boo following on Nicky's heels.

"I thought I saw some mold on your cheese, here let me show you," Nicky deflected, heading toward the walk in refrigerator.

"I know you didn't mean to insult my food. You want me to starve you like I did Chapman?" Red was slightly irked that her daughter would claim there was mold on her food.

"Can I have her share?" Big Boo asked excitedly.

"Chapman's back," Nicky deadpanned once the door closed.

"Oh.. well let's go say hi?" Big Boo didn't understand why Nicky seemed so serious. "I know a bunch of people will be excited that she is back, we can throw her a mini party. She's in the temp area right?"

Red cut in noting Nicky's hesitation, "That bad?"

"Something happened while she was there. I don't know what. She's pretty messed up. Enough that we need to keep Vause in the dark about her return." Nicky looked from Red to Big Boo. "I need to sneak her some food. She won't be coming to get meals in the cafeteria." _A least not till she can walk on her own._ "Boo can you bring her something? Mom, can you spare anything easy on the stomach?"

"I've got some yogurt, maybe some toast. Give me a little more time and I can give you better options. Right now I have what I have."

Nodding, Nicky tried to remember what she was able to stomach after her SHU stint. The toast had reminded her of the SHU meals. Yogurt might be fine but there would be a chance it might make Chapman sick since it was so rich. "Do you have any broth? I think that might be a better choice after the 'food' she's been subjected to."

Red nodded. "How do you suppose we keep Chapman a secret? Pretty soon the whole prison will know she is back. It takes one woman to see her and start talking."

"I'm not sure yet but I know tomorrow we will need to talk to Vause about that issue," Nicky looked dead into Red's eyes, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes. I will set everything up. You two go and warm that for Chapman. I've got work to do." Red shooed them out, giving Big Boo a cup of broth.

"Go ahead and head toward the temp bunks, I'll catch up in a second." Nicky broke off from Big Boo and made her way toward the Suburb table. Vause, Yoga Jones, Morello and Sister Ingalls were already there. Yoga Jones was talking about some new yoga stance that she'd discovered. Nicky came up beside Morello and broke off a piece of her cornbread.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Morello turned around as Nicky ate the chunk she'd stolen. Bending down Nicky covered her mouth as she chewed and whispered something in Morello's ear. Whatever she said had calmed Morello, who slowly nodded.

"Catch you guys in a bit," winking at Morello, Nicky made her way out of the cafeteria.

* * *

There were people in her cell. Piper could hear familiar voices talking in low tones and laughing a couple feet away. She could hear the humming of the lights. Sounds of somebody walking, soles of shoes screeching against the buffed floor. _This is a new level of insanity. Or maybe I am dreaming._ She could feel an oncoming headache from all the noises her brain was trying to process. Slowly Piper opened her eyes. It wasn't the normal cement walls she was used to in SHU and the bed was softer. Piper's memory from earlier in the day began to come back to her. She was out. Morello had brought her back to general population. She had tried to walk and gotten dizzy and collapsed. The fact that she didn't know how she had gotten to the bunk frightened her. Feeling panic beginning to rise up, Piper pushed herself into the corner and buried her head in her knees.

"Well look who's finally awake!" came Nicky's booming voice.

"Geeze we thought you were going to sleep until final count. Didn't you get enough rest in SHU? -OW!" Nicky elbowed Big Boo in the ribs.

"Don't be an asshole yet, asshole. She just got back. Hey Chapman we got you some broth. It's on the cabinet next to your elbow. Probably not too warm anymore, but trust me it is a lot better than that shit they served you in SHU."

Piper looked up and saw the cup in question. Why were they doing this for her? Why were they even here? No one owed her favors. _I don't want pity and I don't deserve anyone's help._ She dropped her head onto her knees, wishing she was alone. It was all too much. Everything. She wasn't ready yet. Normally she thrived around other people, now she found she couldn't even handle the company of two people she had been friends with. Tears slipped down her cheeks against her will. The absence of friendly banter caused Piper's shoulders to shake with her crying. _This is pathetic. I can't even hold it together in front of people. Maybe they will realize I'm not worth the effort and leave. No one wants to be around a crybaby._ She heard footsteps moving away from her. _So they did realize I'm not worth the trouble. That didn't take long._ Piper felt her mattress sag as someone sat down on the opposite end.

"Hey, you know, it's okay. I get it." Piper froze as she heard those words murmured to her. "SHU is a fucking hellhole. It fucks with your head. I was there fourteen days and it still took me a while to be a wise-ass again." She heard Nicky sigh. "You got us though: me, Morello, Big Boo, Red, Yoga Jones. We're guna help you readjust. Get back in the swing of things, ya know?" Piper looked up at Nicky, her eyes still swimming with tears. Piper wasn't sure why she waited on that one name. Why it hurt so much that it was missing from Nicky's list. She felt her heart sink in her chest. _They don't know who I really am inside. How much pain and suffering I have caused. I won't bring them down into my rabbit hole as well._ Slowly Piper shook her head and pulled her knees tighter to her chest. The movement triggered her bruised nerves to voice their discomfort and Piper stifled a gasp. She tried to calm herself but Nicky just sat there watching her and sucking her cheek, worry written all over her face. "Look, I've got to get back for count. Drink the broth, Chapman. One of us will be here in the morning with breakfast." Her eyes followed Nicky as she walked out into the hall.

Wiping her tears from her face she looked over at the cup. _I don't want to; if I drink it I will owe them._ She thought of how much she had left in commissary, what she could possibly repay them with. _Once I get back some strength I can take care of myself._ She wasn't a fool to think that after her little episode in the yard that she was capable of anything at the moment. She was alone, yes. She just needed the strength to get up on her own two feet, figuratively and literally. Walking was her ticket out; her chance to extract the poison that was Piper Chapman from peoples' lives. Once she could move and carry herself steadily she would pay them back for their time and effort. This would be a business deal. Once the deal was complete she would distance herself, no longer in need of their services. It was better this way; they didn't need someone like Piper Chapman fucking up their lives.

* * *

_Some people's laundry is revolting. It's like they don't even bathe properly, ever._ Disgusted, Alex let her thoughts wander. At the beginning of her shift she was on cloud nine but it was closing in on lunch time and the effects were wearing off. She didn't dare take another pill until it was time to get back to work. If she showed her face in the cafeteria strung out on Valium not only would guards notice but her table-mates would be clued in as well. "Fuck this place sucks," she said on an exhale. It was the way her voice echoed back to her that made her look up from folding laundry. _Where the hell did everyone go? I didn't see them leave._ She pushed her glasses back into place and looked around the room. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. _Seriously, where the hell did everyone go?_

"We sent them away." Alex's head whipped around to rest on Red's figure as she walked in the laundry room. Morello and Nicky entered behind her, shutting the door. _The fuck is this? Are they trying to trap me in here? What the hell did I do to Red?_ Alex looked around at the faces that were closing in on her. Red looked sad and slightly upset. Nicky looked like she was about to jump her. Morello seemed as if she was holding back tears. _Seriously, what the fuck did I do?_

"Why did you do it?" came Red's voice, thick with emotion.

_What_? Automatically throwing up her barricades, Alex said defensively, "What are you talking about?"

Without hesitation Red replied, "We are not stupid, Vause. We know you've been using. Now answer the question. Why?"

Annoyance tinged Alex's mind. _If everyone else found their excuse to leave work, I just found mine._ Dismissing Red's question she started for the door they had just come through. Nicky stepped in her path and Alex felt herself roughly shoved back. Surprised, she stumbled and caught herself against the table she had been folding clothes on. _What the fuck Nichols?_

"Look we are not here to badger you, we just want you to depend on us, not some stupid substance." Morello's voice was wavering. Alex knew she was fighting to control her emotions. "Nicky's been a good friend and waited until you were able to open up. Imagine how she feels to find out you would rather give yourself to drugs than trust her to help you. Trust us to help you through whatever you are going through. Hell, we are not shrinks but we've got each other's backs."

Alex glanced at Nicky when Morello mentioned her name. She remembered the talk they had yesterday. How Nicky asserted she wouldn't do anything if it wasn't for her own good and then immediately brought up Piper. That Kid definitely wasn't good for her. Alex had given the girl her heart twice just to have it crushed to a pulp and tossed in her face. She was done. Steeling her voice she denied, "I don't know what you guys are talking about."

"Which part," Red quipped. "The drugs you are taking or the reason you are taking them?"

Silence fell among the four women. Nicky stepped up to Alex, her face lower but only inches away. Alex thought she could feel the heat from Nicky's anger emanating from her body. There was something in her eyes that Alex didn't quite understand. She saw frustration, pain, and worry. Those were understandable but there was something else. Regret? Alex wasn't sure. Nicky suddenly broke out in a wide grin that didn't quite reach her eyes. "How about let's start with...Chapman. You're ex-girlfriend. Your blonde shower fuck buddy. How are you and her?" Nichols taunted, feigning the peppy quality in her voice.

Alex's eyes narrowed behind her thick rimmed glasses. They had already discussed this. "Fuck off Nichols."

"Hey," Morello's squeaky voice joined in. "Did you know she's been in SHU for the past four months?"

Nicky crossed her arms, still throwing off the "I'm going to beat your ass with this smile plastered on my face" vibe. "Have you ever been to SHU? Because I have. I was there for two weeks for telling off a CO. Now, I'm a hard ass." She moved closer to Alex's face and smirked. "Your not-lesbian lover? Not so much. How do you think she is doing in there, Vause?" Everyone had agreed to watch what they said so no one would give away the fact that Chapman had returned already. As long as she stayed in her bunk and let Big Boo, Red, Nicky and Morello bring her food, the rest of the population could stay in the dark about her return. At least they hoped.

"Probably pretty shitty." Red said matter-of-factly, folding her arms across her apron.

"Shut up," Alex retorted.

Sucking in her cheek, Nicky cocked her head. "Hit a nerve, Vause? I thought you had deadened all those when it came to Chapman?"

"Thought she wasn't a part of your life anymore?" Morello tossed in.

Red leaned forward, an amused look on her face. "Isn't that what your fight was about?"

"What were the last words you said to her? Oh that's right, 'Get the fuck out.' Right after my little Christmas present. That was good," Nicky raised her eyebrows toward Alex. "Oh but you know how good you are. Didn't I see you in the showers a week or so ago?" Alex's features darkened under the weight of Nicky's smirk. That moment had been the straw that broke the camel's back. A flush rose to Alex's cheeks as she remembered touching herself to a memory of her and Piper. She remembered returning to reality with Piper's name issuing from her lips and her hand buried inside of her. Only to find Nicky there to witness the whole thing. She had felt betrayed. Not just by her mind but by her body as well, for craving something she was fighting to erase from her life.

The flush in her skin was apparent. Alex could hear the blood pounding in her ears as she ground her teeth together. "I don't have to put up with this shit."

Nicky's laugh rang out through the tense room. "Actually, you do. We were trying to let you come around on your own time. But obviously it wasn't working. Your time just ran out. You turned to drugs, Vause. That's like a fucking slap in the face. And you know me, I'm not one to just sit there and take it like a bitch."

Morello tried to translate. "What she means is we really do care about you, you're like a sister to us."

"You girls are all my daughters. I will not let my daughters turn into junkies." The sternness of Red's tone was proof enough that she wasn't fucking around.

The smirk fell from Nicky's lips. "You need to face your shit, Vause. It's obviously got you fucked up. You've got friends here. You may hate us now, but we are only trying to help."

Morello's soft voice picked up where Nicky left off. "We know you still love Chapman, regardless of what you have said. And that she hurt you when she 'picked' that Harry guy. You don't have to try to pretend you don't around us."

Red tossed her two cents in, "you two are so right for each other it makes me sick."

"Remember all those staring contests I broke up? Yeah, I'm such a pussy-block I know. But you can't tell me Chapman means nothing to you after I have seen the way you look at each other."

_Why are they doing this?_ Alex tried to control the emotions crashing around inside of her body. _Fuck I can't even think straight._ Memories of Piper bubbled up from the dark recesses of her mind where she had repressed them. Powerful, heart rending memories from almost a decade ago flashed through Alex's mind like a slideshow. London, Bali, Paris, Brussels, Java, Cambodia, Belgium, San Francisco, New York. And the fresh, mind -numbingly clear moments: the chapel, the showers, her cube, the janitor's closet. _Why do you feel so inevitable to me?_ She felt as if a hurricane of emotion was laying waste to a path straight through her heart. Clenching her fists, she tried not to collapse under the sheer force of her emotional havoc. Alex could feel her muscles spasm under the strain. On top of everything she was pissed off that they had rendered her this vulnerable.

After eyeing the woman for a brief moment, Red pulled Nicky and Morello back toward the door. Vause was standing there, tense and shaking and she didn't want her daughters to get injured if the woman snapped.

"You need anything Alex, you can come to us. You're our girl." Morello whispered softly.

Unsure if their friend could even hear them, Nicky spoke a little louder. "You need help Vause, that mental shit will eat away at you."

As they got to the door Red turned around. "Oh, and I flushed down your stash." Alex's eyes shot to where Red stood, daring her to say it again. "Hide any more in your cube and the withdrawals will feel heavenly after what I do to you," Red threatened.

* * *

"Fuck, I feel like an asshole!" Nicky muttered to herself. _These last four months have really been a downer on my badass reputation, but fuck me if I can leave her in there looking that helpless._ Abruptly she stopped following her friends to the cafeteria. "Hey, guys, I'll catch up with you later. She pulled Red into a hug and thanked her for setting everything up.

"Alright Nicky," Red agreed. "But if she kills you my hands are clean."

"Be safe Nicky," Morello cautioned. Nicky leaned in and placed a kiss on Morello's cheek.

"I'm not the one who needs to worry about being okay. I'll see ya later." She turned on her heel and went back to the laundry room. They hadn't shut the door all the way when they made their grand exit, so Nicky was able to slip in quietly.

At first glance Nicky thought that Vause must have rushed from the room after she had left and they just didn't see her. She walked around a row of washers and was dumbfounded by what she saw. Alex was slumped against a washer, her head in her hands, her body quaking as tears dripped down to the floor. Nicky walked over slowly and eased herself down next to her distressed friend. Gently she placed her arm over Vause's shoulders, astonished when the woman leaned into her for support. Nicky gave the brunette's shoulder a comforting squeeze, a small gesture to show that she was here and not going anywhere. _So this is what it means to truly care about a friend. When they hurt, you hurt._ The empathy thing was kind of freaking Nichols out. She'd never really been close enough to anyone to have to support them through a mental breakdown. She whispered the only thing she thought would be appropriate, and she kept repeating it until she believed it as well. "It'll be okay."


	12. White Gurl Be Trippin'

_'Piper?! Piper don't you dare leave me!'_

_She turned around and walked back to the dryer. 'I'm here Alex. I won't leave you, I just need to grab a tool to open the door, okay?. I'm not leaving.' Alex's face, usually a passive mask over her emotions, was raw and blotchy._

_Tears ran down her cheeks as she called, "Pipes please don't go.." the end catching in a sob. Grabbing a screwdriver to try to unhinge the door, Piper rushed back to Alex. Pennsatucky and Leann were blocking the door._

_'Alex?' she called. 'I'm back. See I came back I just needed a tool. I didn't leave Alex.' Unable to see into the window she made to shove Leann out of the way. The Jesus freak caught her hands and held her in place, allowing Tiffany to come within an inch of her own face. 'Sinners like you going to hell College. You ain't worthy of nobody's love.'_

_Piper felt her skin flush with rage. She kicked Leann back and used her now free hands to shove at Pennsatucky. They backed off, sniggering to themselves. 'God's got my back College. Ain't nobody got yours.'_

_Fuming, Piper turned back to the dryer window only to freeze, wide eyed and jaw gaping open. Alex was crouched inside, a sock tied around her arm. 'She left, again. I can't believe I trusted her. She did it again..' Piper could hear mumbled through the glass. The glint of metal made her heart seize up in her chest. As the needle came down on Alex's arm she thought she was going into cardiac arrest._

_' No.. no.. no, NO! Alex! I'm here!' Piper screamed, throwing herself at the dryer door. She pummeled her fists against the glass, unable to get the attention of the brunette. 'I didn't leave I'm right here!' She cried, over and over again. The skin of her knuckles was ripping, leaving patches of blood against the impossibly locked door. The pain in her hands was real. The sputtering of her heart under the tsunami of emotions wasn't a dream. She was drowning in an ocean of her own salty tears. 'I didn't leave! Don't do this!' she continued to beat futilely at the door. Alex never looked up._

Long arms grabbed her and hauled her away from the machine. 'No! I can't go, she'll die!' Fighting the arms pulling her away she sobbed, 'I'm sorry, please don't do this, I'm so sorry..'

Her stomach churned as she was dragged away and deposited on grimy tile. "The fuck is wrong with you inmate. Trying to wake the whole damn prison?!" She cowered there, hyperventilating against the fungus on the floor.

"Fuck, seriously? You, mopper! Don't leave here until that is cleaned up. Fucking animals."

Piper tried to take a few shaky deep breaths. The more she tried to calm herself down the further she felt the bile climbing against her throat. Before she puked down her uniform she unsteadily crawled her way toward a toilet. Her throat burned and her eyes stung as she wept against the rim. Images of Alex in the dryer were seared into the underside of her eyelids. As the needle came down she leaned forward and heard the contents of her stomach splashing into water. Gagging, she tried to gasp for air before another round left her coughing and heaving again.

After several weak attempts to settle her stomach, Piper was finally able to slump against the stall. She wiped her eyes with the heels of her hands. They stung for some reason. Opening her eyes against the harsh bathroom light, she looked down to see what the problem was.

"Oh God, it wasn't.. it wasn't a dream.." The skin on her knuckles was freshly ripped and blood was still dripping down to her wrists. Her face contorted as another wave of nausea reared it's ugly head.

"Dandelion..?" a voice whispered from somewhere behind her.

_Way to make a spectacle of yourself Chapman. Crying, fighting, vomiting. What else do you have up those sleeves of yours?_ Wrestling to compose herself she looked up into the concerned face of Craz- Suzanne. The woman was a few feet away holding out a damp cloth.

The look of pity on the woman's face was enough to get her stomach rioting again. There was only one cure she knew to calm herself down when she was this out of her mind. It worked while she was in the cement box, so why wouldn't it work here? Squeezing her eyes shut, she rolled onto her back and forced herself to do a few strenuous sit ups.

"Nineteen...Twenty" she breathed out as she collapsed back against the tile. The small workout had allowed her a window of clarity. It wasn't work hours. Morning was barely breaking and people would be coming in to use the showers. Grabbing the counter she pulled herself up. Two maxi pads and a pair of socks were left next to the sink. _Did Suzanne..? Had she been here? Did she leave these?_ Piper opened the pads and placed them against her bloody knuckles, using the socks to tie them in place. With the wall as her guide she exited the bathroom. Fischer was at the door. Piper glanced at her face momentarily and the CO gave her a small nod.

Step by unsteady step Piper inched her way back to her bunks. The rest of her bunkmates were starting to stir in their sleep. Exhausted, Piper fell into her bed. She knew that she couldn't sleep. Dreams of Alex and Pennsatucky, Healy and Luschek, the four walls of her cement cell, were all waiting for her just behind the veil of sleep. Assuming the safety of the fetal position under her blanket, she pressed her hands into her ears, drowning out the sounds of the other inmates starting their day. She listened to the music of her body: the blood pulsing through her ears, echoing around the blessed silence in her skull.

* * *

Taystee wove her way back to the Ghetto table after she got her breakfast. All her friends were already there: Poussey, Black Cindy, Watson, Sophia, Crazy Eyes, and a few others. She plopped down across from Poussey. "Damn I would kill for some Tapatio up in here!" The table busted out laughing. They all liked Red's cooking but sometimes eggs need a little more spice than pepper alone.

Crazy Eyes peered over at her from across the table. She looked anxious, moreso than usual. _That actually says a lot considering I am talking about Crazy Eyes. It's obvious she got that name fo a reason!_ Her eyes were flitting around the cafeteria almost as if she were searching for someone. "Gurl, what's the matter witchu?"

"Dandelion." Crazy Eyes murmured, wide eyes still scanning the room. She leaned across the table. "Dandelion's blue. Not yellow. Not supposed to be blue."

"Bitch you don't make no sense this early in the morning. Sit yo ass down and just eat your Eggos," scoffed Taystee. Bitches be crazy up in here.

After a few moments of quiet eating an unfamiliar face joined them at the table. "And you are?" Poussey questioned, eyeing the inmates orange uniform.

"New around here. Name's Williams." The woman sat down and dove into her tray of food.

Sophia decided it was a good time to make her pitch. "Well if you ever need your hair fixed up you just let me know. I'm the best stylist in this place. Trust me. Denita will burn the hair right off your scalp."

"Mmhmm." Taystee supported loudly.

"And I got just the thing for those circles under your eyes. First few days are tough but you'll get used to it. Once your commissary comes in drop by and I'll fix you right up." _Nothing like getting a new client,_ thought Sophia.

"I'd sleep fine if the crazy bitch below me wasn't yelling all night." Williams complained. "Please tell me that's not the norm around here."

"I wanna hear this shit," Taystee said gleefully. Gossip was a large source of entertainment in the prison system.

"Yeah, what was she saying?" Encouraged Poussey.

"Fuck if I know. Bitch be screaming she's sorry and not leaving or something. Brought the CO down on our asses. White gurl be trippin'. When the hell do I get a room assignment?" The new girl asked with impatience.

"I duno they been backed up for a while. There's free rooms and shit they just don't give a rats ass about the paperwork to make the changes." The group nodded their heads in agreement with Taystee. "What was the whitey's name that was hollerin'? Maybe I can get a King Cone outa her to keep it on the dl."

Williams paused a moment, trying to recall the woman's name. "Chapper or something. Chapperman. I duno. Be honest I don't give a fuck." She looked down the rows of women at her table. Everyone had stopped mid-motion what they were doing and were staring at her. "What?" she shot back defensively.

Poussey dropped her muffin before it reached her mouth. "Taylor Swift is back? Oh this I gotta see." Standing she pulled a flabbergasted Taystee up and out of the cafeteria, leaving the table still recovering from the news.

* * *

_Fuck I wish they let us sleep in late once in a while. Christ knows half these women in here could use the beauty sleep._ Nicky blearily scratched her wild mane of hair. She had forgone a shower in order to catch a few more z's. Didn't do any good though. She was barely conscious enough to make her way to the cafeteria where Red handed her two cups of broth and sent her away. Barely managing not to run into people she made her way back to the Suburb dorm and dropped one cup off for Vause. The woman looked up at her through squinting eyes. She was shivering something fierce.

"If you vomit on me I am going to steal your mattress." Nicky said a little too loudly, causing the CO to look over. "I don't want you all contagious and shit around me so get better you giant pussy!" Alex looked at her questioningly. Nicky just sucked her cheek and nodded. _Yeah, we are playing this off as the flu._ She leaned down and lowered her voice, "don't worry, I'll remember you owe me," she raised her eyebrows suggestively before turning around. The groan that followed made it all worth it.

Retracing her steps she made her way to the unassigned bunks. Mendez was patrolling the halls and smirked at her as she passed. "Tell your little friend if we get a repeat of last night I'm sending her back down to SHU. I don't have time to deal with screaming rodents."

"Mm." She nodded slightly to acknowledge she'd heard. _What the hell happened last night?_

"Jesus fuck did you try to go all Pennsatucky on your wall?" Nicky exclaimed as she entered Piper's bunk. There was dried blood on the peeling paint next to the head of the bed. She placed the cup down before she spilled it and took a closer inspection just to make certain her sleep deprived brain wasn't fucking with her.

"Are trying to get sent back to SHU?" she hissed. The blanket she was leaning over stopped shaking momentarily, the woman under having flinched and seemed to pull herself into a tighter ball. Nicky grabbed the edge of the blanket and yanked it back. I should have expected this. Somehow. Blondie just doesn't have the balls I do to handle SHU.

Piper's head was revealed in the unmasking and from what Nicky could make out, the woman was gone. Lights out. Not there. _I see where they get the meaning headcase._ She sighed, _well there goes my chance of snagging something hot for breakfast._

"Hey Taylor Swift. _Pause._ Blondie. _One Mississippi, two Mississippi._ Dandelion. _Come on, really?_ Piper. _For fuck's sake._ Chapman!" she tried a few nicknames to get the woman's attention, varying her pitch and tone. Nada. _Bet if Vause's ass walked in here she would pay attention real quick._ _Oh hey wait,_ the thought gave her an idea. _It would be cruel, yes, but if I leave her like this who knows what is going to happen. Plus, Vause would rip me a new asshole if she found out I left the little lesbian in the middle of a panic attack. Or if she got sent to SHU. Again. I'd be dead. May as well start giving away my possessions now. It would be a quick way out of this shithole._ Nicky shrugged, forfeiting her pros and cons debate.

"You kept up half the prison with your wailing. Vause is pissed she couldn't get back to sleep. I think that's why she caught that bug she's got." She attempted to sound as disinterested as possible, strengthening her lure in Chapman's mind. She knew she had a hit when the blonde's trembling stopped and she lay stock still. Easy does it. "Bad night Chapman?" she whispered sardonically.

Nicky grabbed a handful of toilet paper and spit into it. The woman beneath her flinched as she leaned over to wipe down the wall. "What are those homemade boxing gloves? You going all WWE on me now Chapman?" Piper wouldn't meet her eyes, focusing somewhere on the blanket.

"Don't wet your grannie panties, I'm just going to check.." Nicky teased as she snatched one of Piper's bandaged hands. She tried to pull back but Nicky was already peeling back the Maxi pad. "Hmm," Nicky bit her cheek, "not as bad as last time you got in a fight. You're losing your edge Chapman."

Piper stared at her. "What, no snarky come-back? Only talk with your fists now?"

"..eave me alon.." Piper croaked out, rolling away from the woman badgering her.

"Holy shit it speaks!" Nicky threw her hands up in mock astonishment.

Nicky firmly took hold of Piper's thin shoulders and dragged her out of the bed. "Ow! What? Go away! Relentless.." she heard Piper sputter.

"You think I am insistent now, you should see me hunting pussy." She took a big whiff as the blonde rolled her eyes. "Nah, you're not my type. Wrong sapphic vibes - and too skinny." She elbowed Piper lightly. "Don't worry, you lose this Skeletor impersonation and I'll reconsider," she winked.

Chapman groaned. _Ah I love that reaction. Guess the woman is the type who needs to be shoved head-first into something to accept it. Or I am just that hilarious. Who am I kidding, I am that good._ Smiling to herself she herded the blonde toward the bathroom. There would be other people there but Chapman's hands needed to be cleaned and re-bandaged. _These don't heal by the time Vause discovers she is back, those will be her knuckles and the wall will be my face._

It was a struggle at first but Chapman eventually let Nicky clean the wounds. They weren't super deep but the bruising was fairly extensive. _No shit Sherlock, it was a wall_. While she rewrapped Piper's hands she caught the woman staring at her handiwork incredulously. It occurred to Nicky that she's probably the only person that has touched Piper since she got out of the SHU.

Nicky clapped Chapman on the shoulder. "It's not Mike Tyson quality but that'll do for a bit." They made their way back to the bunks.

"Yo, Swift! Where you been?!" Taystee and Poussey came barreling down the hallway.

"No running!" Mendez snapped. "Inmates assume the position!" Both women stopped in their tracks.

"Man, we were just excited, Blondie's back!" Mendez spent his time thoroughly searching the inmates for contraband.

"No suspicious activity on my watch. Go back to your dorms. Now! Or I'll throw you in the SHU for insubordination!"

_Damn, someone needs to get laid._ Nicky let out a sigh of relief. At least this would slow the spread of news. Pussy cat's out of the bag now, but maybe she could buffer it from reaching Vause.

For a bit.

Maybe.

Shit.


	13. Chance Encounter

The next morning couldn't have come soon enough. After spending all night keeping herself awake, Piper was beyond exhausted. She felt like one of the Walking Dead. Yet, she had to be wary of her actions. It was tiresome. She was no longer used to caring about what others thought. There had been no "others" during the four months she was locked in a cement box. If she cried, no one saw. If she yelled, her voice would echo back to her through the emptiness of the room. If she slept all day, no one stared at her strangely. She had embraced the loneliness and counted it as her only true friend from that moment forward. She was alone. There was no one out there who cared anymore. But it was okay, right? She had done this to herself. You reap what you sow. Only her crops came back diseased.

Small talk was taxing. Even if it was only with a few select people. And by few, she meant Nichols. The insufferable gutter mouth, lascivious Nicky Nichols. The exact woman she spent scrubbing from her memory for four months. Yet the image of Alex and Nicky on the bunk haunted her still. A picture is worth a thousand words, and her mind had not one single fucking qualm about shouting them into every dark crevice of her Smith educated brain.

Why then, when she finally got back from solitary was Nichols constantly bringing her food and talking to her? Why? They were friends before.. before she made the second biggest mistake of her life. She could admit it. To herself. She was done blaming others. Whatever happened, happened because of her actions, and her actions alone. Breaking the heart of Alex Vause, the one human being who had always tried to protect her, love her, and be honest with her. For a second time.

Was she insane?

No. Not insane. Maybe a little psychotic. Neurotic, now. But at the time her only excuse was that she was scared. So she ran, as is her wont. She had run away from places; run away from people; run away from feelings. Run Forrest, run!

And in her wake, others had moved on. It was natural. Only natural. Life goes on; the Earth keeps spinning. Time doesn't stop just because she wasn't present to experience it. And, well, she has no right to complain. Alex deserves to be happy. If that spastic little blonde makes her happy, who is she to interfere? Her right to have any say who Alex fucks was revoked the moment she picked Larry. She would be happy for them. Happy they are happy together. She had to be.

Piper was handed a tray from one of the servers and shuffled to a seat in a corner of the cafeteria, against the wall. It was the earliest she had ever been awake for breakfast in Litchfield and was surprised that the food was available at this hour. There were only a few of the golden girls present so far. Maybe they had different rules for mealtimes on weekends. Lost in her thoughts, she pushed around her granola. She wasn't really hungry but she had wanted to walk for a bit. Lying in bed all the time was an open invitation to fall asleep. The possibility of another nightmare left her on edge, inventing games to distract her mind. Little by little the Sandman was catching up with her. On more than one occasion she had to remind herself that blinking required opening her eyes again. She sipped her tea, wishing they had something other than decaf.

* * *

"Fuck I need some coffee. Why the hell are we up this early? It's a damn weekend Nichols. I should be staring at the backs of my eyelids right now." Alex moved her glasses to her head and rubbed at her eyes. It was the fucking weekend and she had fully intended to sleep all day. The headaches were killing her and her eyes were still sensitive to light. Obviously this place doesn't give a flying fuck about their electricity bills.

They walked into the cafeteria and Alex almost fell over the woman in front of her. "Shit why'd you stop, you know I'm on autopilot. You get hurt that is your own damn fault."

"You know, you're right. Let's go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke your giant grumpy ass up. I'll bring you commissary breakfast in bed. How's that?" Nicky elbowed her back to the entrance.

"Are you kidding me? We just got here." Alex squinted around the cafeteria, suspicious of Nicky's sudden change of plan. Nothing really caught her attention. There were some older women. A few from the Ghetto and Spanish Harlem were already sitting eating. Red was sitting with some new inmate. Probably a junkie. Her guess? Crystal meth. The woman was just too gaunt and unkempt; probably end up getting sent to SHU or Psych to sweat out her withdrawals. Backing into the hallway, Alex shot her friend a warning glance. "Don't you dare forget that coffee Nichols."

She didn't. But the weak coffee didn't help Alex stay awake. True to her word, she slept all the way until Morello shook her awake to tell her it was time for lunch. Grunting her acknowledgement, she rolled onto her back and flung her arm over her head. Her bunkmate was staring at her. Alex could see her pallid face in her peripheral vision. Usually they just outright ignored each other, as if they didn't exist. "Did you need something?" Alex tossed out.

"Yeah, retribution. Your girl is finally guna pay for what she did to Tiffany." Leann sneered.

"What the fuck are you talking about you crazy sociopath? What did Nichols or Morello ever do to you?" Alex's brain was still foggy from her nap.

"Hah. Nothing. Chapman's the one that got Tiffany sent down the hill to Max. It's time she paid for her transgressions." Evil glee dripped from Leann's voice.

Chapman?

Chapman?! Was she out? How come no one told her? When did she get back? Was she okay? Alex looked over at Leann, "You touch her and I will personally arrange for you to meet your god. If you think I am joking, fucking try me." She got up into Leann's pasty face. "Better run along to lunch now, freak," Alex cooed as she left the cube.

She made her way toward the unassigned bunks. Piper would have to be there if she was back. There or heading toward the cafeteria for lunch, in which case Alex would pass her. Actually that wasn't true. The kid could be anywhere; it was a weekend. She could be in the showers, on the track, in the rec room, or with a counselor. Prison wasn't that massive but when you were looking for one person in particular, Litchfield could seem like a labyrinth. It dawned on Alex that there were so many places.. she would end up searching the entire prison just to lay eyes on her.

_That's normal_. Alex scanned the faces of the women passing her in the hall. It was simply a confirmation she is back. She needed to see her with her own two eyes. Make sure she is alright, that is all. _Alex Vause you can lie to others but you cannot lie to yourself_ , her mind jeered.

She was almost past all the unassigned bunks and about to head outside to check the yard when her eyes fell upon a cardboard box sitting on a cabinet. "Chapman" was scrawled in chicken-scratch across the side in thick black marker. Her heart seized in her chest. The woman was still in her bed as Alex crept closer. Her breath caught on an inhale as she realized what she was looking at. It was the woman from the cafeteria. The meth-head.

No, not a meth-head.

Piper.

_Her Pipes_.

Practically tip-toeing, Alex entered the bunk. The pounding of her heart thundered in her ears and she worried that the noise might wake up the slumbering blonde. _Jesus Kid, what happened to you?_ Alex's eyes raked over the image of her ex-girlfriend, chiseling every detail into her memory. It was evident that the woman hadn't showered in a least a week, maybe two. Grease gleamed in the harsh lighting of the prison, accentuating the clumpy rats nest that had become the woman's hair. Her skin looked paper-thin and almost translucent from being underground for so many months. In stark contrast, there were dark puffy patches under her eyes, evidence that either the Kid didn't get much sleep or something was taking a hefty toll out of her energy. And by the looks of it, that wouldn't be difficult. The gauntness of her face, sharpness of her cheekbones, combined with how flat the blanket lay on top of her.. SHU had wrecked her. The blanket was probably hiding the worst, but judging by her face alone, Piper was severely emaciated. Enough for Alex to have thought she was an anorexic junkie.

Alex caught her hand reaching for some stray wisps of hair. She wanted so badly to touch the woman. Extra confirmation that the Kid was really here, in front of her. In the flesh. Not just an illusion her desperate mind had created. Even in her nightmares Piper hadn't looked this terrible. She had heard stories that SHU was rough; once in a while Nicky would let slip things that she experienced while in SHU. Pictures of Piper hunched over the carcass of a rat danced before her eyes. Alex shook her head to clear the images; Pipes wouldn't do something like that.

Pulling herself back into reality, Alex returned her attention to the blonde. It seemed as if she was cold, her body trembled slightly. The urge to settle down in the bed next to Piper and warm her with her body heat nearly had Alex crawling into the cramped bed. _She chose him, he should be warming her bed. He will be warming her bed. Fuck. FUCK._ She shut her eyes and backed away, sinking to the floor against the opposite bunk. She willed her body to move. To get up, get out of the room and go back to the cafeteria for lunch. Her body had other plans. Bringing her knees to her chest, she rested her chin and stared at her ex-girlfriend. The convulsions were quickly becoming more frequent and seemed to focus on her upper body. What if she was having a seizure? Alex didn't know what the fuck she would do if Piper were actually having a seizure. Something with putting a belt in their mouth was really all she could remember.

Her head snapped up as a blanket was hurled in Alex's direction, breaking her out of her reverie. The first thing she noticed was Piper's hands. Or rather, the wads of Maxi pads where her hands _should_ be. The second was that she was struggling. With what, who the hell knew? Some imaginary foe within her head? Was this the Chapman version of sleepwalking? The agitated woman had managed to fling herself at the wall, rumpling her uniform. If Piper kept up this thrashing she would flail her way out of those baggy clothes, as they were already making their grand escape.

"Time to get your ass outa bed Chap.." The words died on Nicky's lips as her gaze landed on Vause who was staring at Piper, the latter about to pull another Pennsatucky on her wall. "What the fuck? Boo, Morello, get her the hell out of here!" Nicky pushed past Vause to get to Piper.

Two sets of arms locked around Alex's body as she was practically dragged out to the yard. She didn't put up a fight. Voices were saying things to her but none of the words registered in her head. Things were proceeding in slow motion, as if she was travelling through honey. Her limbs were leaden in her friends' grasps and her head was incapable of forming a coherent sentence. What the fuck..?

* * *

Nicky threw her small frame on top of Piper, effectively pinning her down. The woman beneath her struggled, still caught up in whatever nightmare she was having. Nicky dodged a wadded fist aimed for her head and grappled with Piper's wrists and pinned them to the side of her body before she could do more harm.

"Chapman, it's a dream. Wake up!" The blonde didn't seem to hear her and kept straining against her grasp. "Piper!" The woman's wrists where slipping from her hold, her body was beginning to toss Nicky off balance. _Is this what Pornstache was talking about?_ She didn't know how to wake her agitated friend. And now Vause knew Chapman was back? Nicky needed to get this shit on lockdown before the shit hit the fan. Talking to her didn't work. Pinning her down didn't work. Her mind raced for another solution and only one presented itself. In the years she had been with women, there was one sure way to get them to calm down and shut up. Peering back over her shoulder she made sure that no one was in the halls. Boo and Morello must have been able to get Vause away. Good.

_Here goes nothing_.

Keeping her balance, Nicky leaned forward and caught Piper's lips with her own. Immediately the blonde's eyelids snapped open, unmistakable terror practically spilled out of her blue eyes. Nicky broke the kiss and settled back on her legs, still straddling the woman below her. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights, staring at her, her whole body was trembling, but at least she wasn't throwing punches anymore.

Nicky stared back at Piper and raised an eyebrow. "I didn't actually expect that to work Blondie. You're one tough woman to wake up. What was the dream about anyway? Training for the UFC or something? You nearly took off my head a couple times." Piper looked at her, fear emanating from her very pores. Nicky was suddenly uncomfortable perched over her friend. _I can't tell if she is frightened of me or the reference I made to her dream._ "I'll get off you if you promise not to go apeshit again, alright? Like I said, you're not my type Chapman." Piper didn't respond so Nicky clamored down anyway and sat on the edge of the mattress. "Look, I brought you some fruit. Red says you need the nutrients or some shit. Here." She waved the cup in front of Piper's face before shoving the cup into her hand.

"I'll probably have to change those again," she said indicating the Maxi pads as Piper curled herself into a sitting position. The blonde just looked into the cup she was holding.

"Why are you here Nicky? You don't have to do this." Piper croaked out, still avoiding eye contact.

"Do what? Help a friend? Fuck yeah I do." Piper just shook her head slowly at Nicky's response.

"It's okay. I get it. And you don't need to do.. this." Chapman threw her words back at her.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Nicky guffawed, but Chapman didn't seem to be in the mood for banter. "Okay listen, Chapman. _I know_." She stressed the last word, a solemn look hardening her features.

The blonde just shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. How could Nicky know what she had been through? What she was reliving every waking moment. What haunted her even in her nightmares. Who she grieved over constantly while she was buried in a cement cell. Regret coursed through every fiber of her being, it was as much a part of her as the puffy scars on her chest. How could Nicky know any of these things?

"Piper," Nicky placed a finger under her chin, causing the blonde to look at her, eyes bright with terror. "How do you think you got to your bunk, huh?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I saw them, okay? The bruises, the marks? You don't have to pretend that you're fine. If you'd let me I'd wrap your ribs to give you more support. Who did this to you?"

Fear choked Piper's response. She hadn't wanted anyone to find out. Outsider knowledge made it real. She just wanted to brush it under the rug, put it out of her mind and go on with her forsaken life. Her WASPy mother had been right: there were some things that just didn't need to be dealt with.

"Hey, if you won't talk to me I can go get Vause and explain to her what is going on. Maybe you'd prefer confiding in her?" Nicky offered as the woman bristled. There was no way in hell she was going to bring Vause into this, but Piper didn't need to know that. She knew Vause was going to hunt her down after she'd had her basically dragged away from Piper's bunk. That confrontation wasn't going to be pretty. Nicky sighed, "do you want Vause to kill me? Because I really prefer breathing, even if it is in this shithole. Now come on, I am not here to hurt you. Just let the gang and I help you." Nicky cut off Piper before she could deny the fact that she needed help. "You really think you can hide those contusions on your own? Are you ever planning on taking a shower again? What about around Alex? Do you really want her to find out? What will happen then, huh? Do you want her to be sent down the hill after she sees those markings?" At the mention of Alex, Piper had turned her head away. "You can't hide in your bunk forever. You are going to need to start assimilating back into general population. Pretty soon you'll be assigned a job and a cube and things will start to feel normal again. As for Alex, I'm sure you don't want her to find out about _that_ , right? If I know her she will do something really fucking stupid and get in a fuckload of trouble. Somehow. And, trust me, I know her, she will do it." Nicky realized she had said something wrong when Piper groaned and banged her head back against the wall, shutting her eyes. "Chapman calm your tits, it's not what you think. Anyway, we'll keep Vause in the dark as long as we can. But you've got to meet us halfway." Nicky took a deep breath, waiting for Chapman's response.

What Nicky got wasn't exactly what she had expected. Nicky watched Piper intently, witnessing front and center the miserable woman's defenses fragmenting, buckling under the truth in Nicky's words. Fat tears dripped down her cheeks, splashing against the cup of fruit she was holding. Her body shook with emotion as she looked back to Nicky. Squeezing her eyes shut, she nodded to Nichols.

Relief washed over Nicky. She wasn't an expert on giving motivational speeches and was half convinced that Piper was going to reject her offer. The approval made her smile and sling an arm over Chapman's shoulders. "Come on Blondie, eat the fruit then let's get you cleaned up. I'll go see where I can snag some cloth to wrap your ribs. She left the bunk with a smile pulling at her lips. That could have gone much, much worse.

* * *

Temptation was waging an all-out war inside of Alex. Big Boo was sitting playing with Little Boo at the entrance to her cube. She couldn't get around unless she either jumped over the woman or kicked her down. But if she kicked her down she would probably have Little Boo on her heels. Not to mention the CO's. She would end up in SHU or with a shot at the very least; that idea wouldn't work. She sighed and replayed the whole experience in her head for the upteempth time. For the life of her she couldn't fathom why Nicky had acted like she had. Why Big Boo and Morello had been ordered to haul her away. Obviously they didn't want her near Piper, but why? Did Piper ask them to keep her away? Why would she do that? Honestly that wasn't a fair question. Alex knew exactly why Piper wouldn't want to see her. The last words she had spoken to Piper echoed back to her from her memories. _Are you kidding me? Get out. Get out, no fucking way._ She had regretted them the moment they flew from her mouth. She had been so fucking furious at the pretentious WASPy socialite for once again shattering her already damaged heart. But if she had known the woman was coming to her out of fear for her own life.. if she had known that turning her away would nearly get Piper killed.. That she almost lost her Pipes forever.. Alex was plummeting into the thick tar of guilt. It enveloped her, dragging her deeper into its depths. It took all of her effort to keep her head clear as lethargy numbed her limbs.

Wild blondish hair bobbed in from the hallway and slinked into a bunk a few cubes down. Alex didn't know how long she had been sitting there silently arguing within her head. Rallying herself into action, Alex towered over Big Boo. After a moment's hesitation she scooted aside and let Alex pass. "You leave the dorm and Little Boo will take a chunk out of that perfect ass of yours," Boo warned.

Apathy reflected back from Alex's face and she made the short trek to Nicky's cube. She was propped up against the wall, popping open a bag of pretzels and reading a magazine, not looking up when Alex entered. Before she made a fool of herself she climbed onto the end of Nicky's mattress and faced the woman who was blatantly ignoring her. Was she going to try to play this off as nothing? It sure as hell wasn't "nothing." Nicky's demeanor screamed "go the fuck away" and "I am not talking about this," but Alex wasn't listening.

Gazing down at the mattress, Alex kept her voice low, containing the raging emotions bubbling just under her skin. "How long?"

Nicky popped another pretzel in her mouth and read the rest of the article before she responded. "How long what?"

"How long have you known she's been back?" Alex traced random shapes on Nicky's blanket.

"Does it matter?" Nicky said around a mouthful of pretzels.

Alex placed her hand over the magazine Nicky was reading, causing the woman to look up at her questioningly. Her voice barely above a whisper, "you of all people know how much it matters, Nicky."

Alex saw Nicky's emotion soften as concern clouded her eyes. It seemed as if she was considering something as she sucked in her cheek, studying Alex's face. Holding her breath, Alex soundlessly pleaded to Nicky to tell her whatever she was debating. Good news, bad news, it didn't matter. It was news. More than she had been privy to since Fischer had told her Chapman was alive. If they wouldn't let her be around Piper then they could at least keep her informed on how she was doing. Or maybe, why she couldn't help out? She was Piper's ex-girlfriend for fucks sake! Sure there were some hard feelings and the break-up was an epic fucking disaster, but that didn't mean that she didn't care for the Kid. How was she to know that Pennsatucky was going to jump her that very night? She had needed space, away from the catastrophe that was Piper Chapman. She had wanted Piper to experience a fraction of the pain and misery that she had caused her. Alex wanted her to know that her actions had consequences. Ending up in SHU was never a part of the plan, not even remotely. Almost dying? Jesus fuck, Alex didn't know what she would do with herself if Piper had been killed. If she was gone forever and the last words she had spoken had been in spite.

A tiny thread of an idea floated in the forefront of her mind and before she knew what she was doing she yanked on the lead. Maybe Piper is respecting her wishes. She had made it extremely clear that Piper could never come to her again. Maybe she had told Nichols that she didn't want to be near Alex out of deference to her own damn ultimatum.

Fuck.

Fuck she hated Larry's guts so fucking much. She loathed the fact that Piper loved him. That she chose him. Chose the lame, boring ass Jew boy over herself. Sure she didn't have much to offer right now, but it wasn't like she was left with nothing after the FBI raids. Early on she had taken precautions and only left enough to be found to not arouse suspicion. Piper had to know this; she had been to some of the properties. Besides, wasn't their love enough? In their world travelling days Alex had given her everything she wanted: money, clothes, jewelry, world adventures. All she had left to give now was whatever she could purchase from the commissary. And her love. Piper had loved her as well. Even as she chose Larry she had told Alex that she loved her. Why couldn't that be enough? What did the Jew boy have over her?

"..Vause!" Nicky was shaking her shoulders, magazine tossed aside. "Did you hear anything I just said to you?"

"No," Alex's voice broke under the despair she was trying to swallow.

Nicky saw the pain in Alex's eyes and pulled her forward, wrapping her in a hug. She let herself lean against the smaller woman and rested her forehead on her shoulder. If someone had told her when she first arrive at Litchfield that she would find a best friend in another ex-junkie while she was here, she would have laughed in their face. But Nicky was just that, the best friend that Alex never had. Someone to rely on and trust when things got dicey. Nicky gave her a final squeeze and then let her go before a CO could bark at them.

Catching her eye, Nicky spoke once more. "She's been back a couple days but you have to trust me on this. She needs some space. And time. She was underground in a cement box by herself for sixteen weeks." Nicky opened her mouth to say something else but decided against it.

"What is it?" Alex breathed out.

It was Nicky's turn to not meet her eyes; she was clearly hiding something. Alex Vause was many things but an idiot was not one of them. "It's nothing." Nicky shook her head. "You just work on getting better yourself, alright? I'm sure you don't want Chapman to find out about your _flu_." Was that a threat or was she just trying to change the subject, and rather poorly, if that.

The question that had been burning in her mind since Nicky shook her wormed its way out of her mouth. "Did Piper tell you she didn't-" Nicky interrupted her.

"No more questions. You need to go head to the cafeteria for dinner or you'll miss it." Nicky grabbed her empty pretzel bag and ushered Alex out of her cube. They walked to the cafeteria together in silence. Alex joined the line forming for food and Nicky went into the back where Red handed her a cup of chicken soup. Alex saw her nod at something Red had said and make her way back toward the bunks. There was definitely something that Nicky wasn't telling her and she was going to get to the bottom of it. Nicky, Morello, Big Boo and whoever else was in on it could try to prevent her from finding out, but Alex wasn't just going to roll over and give up; it wasn't in her nature. When she set her mind on something, she did everything in her power to achieve it. Her rapid rise among importers in the drug cartel was evidence enough. Planning and plotting was her area of expertise. Somehow, things would go her way. All it would take is a flawless plan, a little time and a great deal of effort. Effort she was more than willing to put forth to achieve a favorable end result. With a clear goal in mind the old, clever Alex resurfaced. Alex Vause was back.


	14. The Most Difficult Thing

Piper started awake, wrenching herself from the nightmares forming in her unguarded mind. Taking in her surroundings as the ghosting of her dreams faded, Piper soon discovered a strawberry Yoplait yogurt next to her bunk. She groaned, remembering her near-fatal mistake the last time she had been presented with one. _It must have come from Red._ She needed to start recording what people were doing for her; Trisha had been on the right track. Piper understood she didn't deserve handouts and freebies, and was no longer under the illusion that she was entitled to special treatment. It had taken months of being sequestered in an underground cell, but she had finally come to understand just how true that fact was. The playing-field was level among the inmates; in Litchfield, you were either an inmate or an officer. Inmates were treated with disgust, officers were treated with contempt. Classic captor and prisoner scenario.

Her thoughts returned to Trisha and how she managed to escape the repetitively oppressive life behind bars. _That was a mistake_ ; it probably wasn't a brilliant idea to think of the inmate that committed suicide right this moment. Not that she wasn't worthy of the thought, just, well, the action. Suicide. That. With her upbringing it was never discussed, the option was never on the table when things got rocky. From her mother's side she learned to avoid unpleasant topics. If they couldn't be avoided then it was acceptable to drown them in a bottle of Chateauneuf de Pape, circa 1972. From her father's side she gleaned that not discussing an issue permitted one to distance themselves from the topic, thus allowing for less biased judgment. When the time came. However, both maternal and paternal lessons were simply different forms of running away. Piper Chapman was skilled enough in _that_ art. What she needed to do was confront her problems head on. Deal with them and move forward, no matter how frightening or punishing the matter is. _Just do it, right Nike?_

She leaned over and grabbed a piece of toilet paper and recounted who had done what for her to the best of her ability. The list mostly comprised of Nicky's name. Bandaging her, bringing her food, just being around, really. Even though the most basic social interactions nearly launched her into a full on panic attack, Nicky was helping her with the transition. She was the only inmate that had dared physical contact with Piper. Why? Who the fuck knew. Nicky didn't owe her anything and typically didn't go out of her way to get involved in people's drama. Gossip and make crude remarks about people's drama, sure. But inject herself into the fucking mess that was Piper Chapman? She just didn't understand. Piper paused her writing and tried desperately to halt the direction her thoughts had taken. She couldn't _not_ think about it. _Why was Nicky spending so much time with me when she could be slipping off into the chapel or showers with Alex?_ Maybe Alex didn't know Nicky was visiting her. If she did, Alex would probably put an end to it. Her new girlfriend hanging out with her ex-girlfriend: in any situation it was a bad combination. Who knew, they could swap stories about how Alex looked or sounded when she came. How her veins stood out in her neck as her body convulsed against Piper's fingers. Her slick lips. How if you pushed her over the edge of oblivion at just the right moment, her teeth would close on the nearest bit of flesh, leaving tiny marks that would last for days.

Acid burned the back of her tongue as Piper realized that Nicky wore that stupid white thermal every damn day. It would easily cover up any evidence of lovemaking Alex left on her. Her stomach churned threateningly. If she didn't push this from her mind she was going to make herself violently sick; she could already feel her abdomen muscles spasm, forcing the last bit of nutrients she consumed against the force of gravity.

_List. Think of the list. Someone else. Who else am I now in debt to?_

Piper added Red's name to the list. _The food had to come from somewhere, right?_ Even if she had to choke it down she knew that she was lucky that it wasn't still SHU sludge that was scraping down her esophagus. The meager amount that she could keep in her stomach was better than the last couple months. Piper sighed as she set down the list. _I am just trying to be a good business partner. How else am I going to accurately reimburse them later?_ After Piper felt that everything had been accounted for she grabbed the cool container of yogurt and the accompanying plastic spoon. She recalled how she used to love licking the yogurt that stuck to the cap, but now looking at it just made her stomach churn. _Dairy is good for me. Caulk full of all the nutrients I need to get back my strength._ Hesitantly, she placed a spoonful in her mouth and swallowed. _It tastes...like sand. Only smoother?_ Were her taste buds not working? The broth and fruit were the exact same to her ruined palate, albeit a little bit saltier, perhaps. Perhaps the food they served her in SHU had actually destroyed one of her senses. She could smell the strawberry aroma but that was where it ended. Piper shrugged and carefully finished the yogurt. It didn't really matter anymore; it wasn't a big deal, food was fuel and as such it didn't have to taste pleasant.

Restless and trying to occupy her mind with trivial matters, Piper shifted her feet to the edge of the bed and rested them on the floor. She still had her boots on from when she had returned from SHU. Grabbing the top bunk for support she pulled herself upright. Stars swam in front of her eyes and she blinked furiously, trying to clear her head. Every bone in her body felt like it was creaking as she took a tiny step forward. _They must be fully formed by now, that is why I can barely move today._ As much as she wanted to know what she looked like, Piper couldn't bring herself to lift up her shirt and check. She could feel the thousands of nerves firing off and knew there was damage, visual confirmation was not entirely necessary. The white knuckled grip on the top bunks railing was the only indication of her suffering she allowed. A few steps further and the agony was almost too much, clouding her head and demanding that she stop this foolery and lay down. _I've got to try. I can't lay in bed all day._ Piper was already sick of people looking at her like she was a homeless puppy. Her roommate Williams wasn't so bad, but she was new and didn't know Piper's history like the rest of Litchfield did. Luckily, the other women in the block had job assignments and weren't around much so Piper usually had the bunk to herself until count.

Taking a few deep breaths she let go of the railing and shuffled across the small space between the beds. Piper's battered body screamed at her but closing her eyes she condensed her anguish and allowed it to settle in her chest. The physical drowning out the emotional. _It is just something I have to get used to,_ Piper told herself. _With all the suffering I have caused, it is only fair that a minute portion has fallen on my shoulders to bear._

"Chapman?" She heard a hesitant voice call her name. Turning she saw Fischer standing at the door to her bunk. "Healy wants to see you. I'm supposed to escort you to his office." Noting the way the inmate stumbled out of the bunk, Fischer placed a hand gently on Piper's elbow. "Do you need assistance?" the young officer asked softly, voice filled with concern.

Immediately Fischer regretted the contact. Piper had nearly jumped out of her skin and lurched away from the CO. Her eyes were squeezed shut, spindly wrapped hands covering her face. "Chapman? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I could... hold on. Just, um, stay there." Fischer turned away from the frightened inmate and murmured something into her radio. "Copy. On our way." Came the static-filled response. Fischer paced back and forth across the hall, casting a concerned glance at the slumped woman cowering on the floor.

Nichols rounded the corner with Bennett on her heels. "What the hell, I was winning that match! Do you know how hard it is to get rid of your damn Q's? Fuck!"

"Here's the inmate you requested Fischer." Bennett eyed Chapman curiously. "What's wrong with her?"

"I accidently bumped her elbow taking her to Healy's office and this is the result." Fischer bent the truth. She didn't want to seem weak around other officers, even if she counted Bennett among her friends. "Nichols we know you two are friends, can you see to her? Bennett, may I speak with you privately?" The two officers moved a ways down the hall and spoke in hushed tones.

Nichols didn't waste any time. "Hey, Chapman. That's no way to win the UFC Octagon. Ronda Rousey would be in tears. Seriously." She grabbed Piper's hands and pulled the unsteady woman up from her crouched position. "Going to see Healy? I better take these off then. Just keep your hands in your pockets," Nicky untied the socks and slowly peeled back the Maxi pads. "Hey maybe you'll get a cube assignment. Or work? Who knows." Nicky cracked her neck and peered at the officers; neither were paying attention. "How you doing today? They going away yet?"

Piper shook her head. "Worse."

"How did you end up crouching on the floor anyway? Did Fischer do something?" Nicky tried to catch Piper's eye, but the woman turned her face away.

"No. She's.. she's a nice lady." Piper rambled. "It's just me. I..I don't know. She was trying to help." The blonde looked at her with panic-stricken eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me?!" she murmured frantically.

Nicky grasped Piper's shoulders and kept her upright as she started to hyperventilate. "Just breathe, it's guna be fine. You're still adjusting is all. Come on," she said as Fischer approached the two women, "I'll walk with you to the office."

The three women weaved their way down the halls and eventually made it to the counselor's office. Nicky gave Piper a small smile as Fischer knocked on the door. "Inmate Chapman, sir."

Fischer closed the door behind Chapman and turned to Nichols. "Am I free to go now?" Nicky complained, "I was in the middle of a very important game of scrabble."

"No." Fischer said with uncharacteristic firmness. She directed Nicky away from the door and down the hall beneath one of the security cameras. "I believe there is something you need to tell me."

* * *

"Maybe she isn't coming back, that means I win right?" Morello looked over at her slumped companion. "You awake over there?" she elbowed Alex on her arm. Alex groaned into her cave of arms in response. "You wanna take her place? I think I'm gettin' pretty good at this game. I mean I was ahead for a little while in the beginning, but I'm definitely a lot betta."

Alex stood up and put her glasses back on. Nicky wasn't here to coerce her into spending less time in her cube, on her mattress. Under her blanket. Where she belonged. Like, now. Morello's voice and the others in the background resounded in her aching skull. Seeing Piper finally back from SHU had given her a moment of clarity. Endorphins and adrenaline had flooded her system, clearing her head and giving her a definite goal. Too soon her bloodstream had returned to its irregular chemical balance, inviting back the headaches, muscle fatigue, nausea, and sensory amplification. It wouldn't been so terrible if Nicky didn't insist that she get out of bed and interact with people. That little midget took her to the noisiest rooms in the entire prison. _No, of course Nicky didn't want to go outside, she wanted to go to the rec room, with the loudest tv in the fucking history of mankind!_ Seriously, was she the only person in Litchfield who wasn't deaf?

Using the wall by her shoulder as her guide, Alex zombie walked her way back to the Suburbs. Not even bothering to be graceful, she belly flopped onto her bed and attempted to block out the rest of the world. The sooner that she put this behind her, the quicker she could figure out what her friends were hiding. She fucking knew there was something but with her brain currently a poorly prepared chemical soup, trying to figure it out only made the headaches and nausea worse. Just the short trek from the rec room to the Suburbs left her feeling like a jackhammer was going off just behind her skull. Unsure of whether she had the strength to carry her leaden body to the bathroom, Alex carefully swallowed the rising bile from her exertions.

* * *

**"It is difficult to wait for someone.**   
**It is difficult to forget someone.**   
**But the most difficult thing is to decide,**   
**whether to wait or to forget."**   
**-Hannah Mae Bencio**

**Piper looked up from her book and gazed at the slowly rising sun. She was momentarily blinded as the polarized light reflected off the water. Greens and bright blues danced in front of her eyes, obscuring her vision of the early morning runners slowly making their way along the receding waves. She loved Manhattan Beach. It was smaller and not as popular as Brighton Beach to its West, but it had it's own charm. She didn't have time to come here as often as she liked. Piper had finally heard back from her Smith theatre professor Ms. Kiki Gounaridou. She had applied several months back for a chance to be on the research team for Professor Gounaridou's translation of Euripides's Hecuba. The professor had mentored her and when Piper displayed genuine enthusiasm in her work, Professor Gounaridou had taken time to help the young blonde flourish in her studies.**

**She was thrilled. Honestly, she was. But she knew it was only a temporary solution. The next few months would be great experience that she hoped she could use to get a full time, permanent job. Maybe she could use it as a stepping stone when her part was complete: ask Professor Gounaridou for a letter of recommendation. It couldn't hurt. There was a chance it would lead to something bigger and better. She hoped it would be something exciting since she couldn't see her future consisting of a monotonous and menial nine to five job. Hence the reason waitressing was worth a shot. They offered flexible hours and interaction with people from all walks of life. It could be mentally stimulating in a way. At least the research team gave Piper a chance to get her mother off her back about finding a real job. The whole waitressing attempt had been kind of a bust so far.**

**Well, in terms of finding a source of income it had failed.**

**Piper sighed and smiled at the memory of the mysterious dark haired woman. "Alex," she whispered the word into the morning breeze. She could count the number of days they had spent together on one hand since they met just over a month ago in Sunswick 35/35. The last thing Piper had expected to do that night was fall asleep in a stranger's bed. She smiled shyly to herself,** **_no it hadn't been like that_ ** **. They had been discussing the steady decline of the proper use of the English language. How today's youth, they rolled their eyes in unison, thought that "lol" was a legitimate word and "wats up bz" was a complete sentence. They decided cell phones were single handedly fragmenting the English language.**

**The two had talked early into the morning and Piper ended up curled, still muttering about today's doomed youth, when Alex had pulled a blanket around her. Who knew that the woman who so shamelessly flirted with her in the bar was a good conversationalist. Scratch that, a great conversationalist. When Piper rambled, Alex never seemed to doze or cut her off. Instead, she encouraged Piper to keep talking, even after most people would have torn their ears off. She had been enjoying herself: debating the merits of such and such novel while pointedly missing the not so subtle attraction she felt toward the woman. From her thick black and blue tinged tips to her alabaster complexion, Piper found it challenging not to sneak glances when she thought the woman was preoccupied. She had figured that first night would have ended differently and was taken aback when Alex expressed interest in meeting up again.**

**So the seductive rockabilly chick wasn't fully intent upon getting into her pants? That had been her initial impression at Sunswick's. Maybe the raven haired beauty was just looking for a friend. Piper shook her head and pushed some stray blonde strands behind her ear. That couldn't be right. In the beginning, maybe, if Piper had been able to control herself. But not after the last time Alex had taken her out. Not after the club and what happened the following day. Piper could feel her face flush with the memory of walking in on Alex in the shower. Perhaps her inhibitions had still been diminished from the alcohol she had consumed the previous night. Tempting as it was, that still didn't excuse her behavior, not unless she had been intoxicated since connecting with those piercing green eyes.**

**Dancing at the club had been enjoyable. Dancing** **_with Alex_ ** **at the club had been unbelievable. She knew Alex had been watching her most of the night, it was as if she could feel her eyes burning along her skin as she moved to the music. When Piper had stolen a glance over her shoulder and discovered that Alex was losing herself entirely to Sting's song, murmuring barely audible lyrics, something had shifted. It wasn't so much that she made her way to Alex in that moment, but more that she was a puppet being directed along a set path right into the brunette's arms. She had been Pinocchio, and almost believed it as her body melded perfectly against the gyrating one behind her. That deep, raspy voice; the cool lips against her neck; the hands that travelled eagerly along her curves. When she had met Alex's green orbs, heavy-lidded with arousal, Piper was unable to curb the demands of her body. The next thing she knew, she had pulled Alex into a passionate kiss, only further fueled by the maddening friction between their bodies.**

**And that had been what she dreamed about that night. What had her opening the shower door without really taking time to process the consequences of her actions. The immediate outcome was something Piper knew she wouldn't trade for the world. Each time she relived that day: the way Alex's hands caressed her feverish skin, the way her mouth caused Piper to issue sounds she had never before heard from herself. The way Alex sent her tumbling over precipices continually, leaving Piper drenched and panting beneath her. They were more than friends, they had to be. What exactly it should be classified as Piper didn't have the faintest idea. It was better just to go with it and see where it led, she could figure out the details later. They were something, and that was enough for now.**

**Only that didn't explain why she hadn't heard from the woman in three weeks.**


	15. Much, Too Much

Both Nicky and Fischer looked over as the door opened and Chapman emerged. It had been a solid twenty minutes according to the clock on the wall and Nicky was relieved as she felt the CO's attention turn away from her.

"Hey blondie, over here!" Nichols called out.

To Nicky's annoyance, Piper didn't even look over. Instead she continued to shuffle her way toward the unassigned bunk area. Nicky looked over to Fischer who nodded and walked away. She caught up with Piper quickly since the blonde was barely moving at a snail's pace. Catching a part of her jacket sleeve, Nicky tried to get the woman's attention. It worked, sort of.

Piper started and whipped around to face her assailant.

"Fuck, Piper it's me. It's Nicky. Don't go all batshit on me, ok?" Piper stared at her, wide eyed and not entirely looking at her. Maybe through her. "You're looking a little green. Are you going to vomit? I would be truly displeased if you threw up anywhere but in the toilet." Nicky mocked Healy's infamous speech. Piper still wasn't reacting to anything she was saying so after a few minutes Nicky decided just to muscle the woman where she needed to be before their window of opportunity closed.

Carefully she guided Piper down the halls, tugging her jacket sleeve in the direction they were to go. Nicky was careful not to touch Piper's wrist because they couldn't afford another delay. She tried to make small talk but nothing got through to Piper. "What, it can't be that bad. Did they move you to the Spanish Harlem or something? If I got moved there I'd never see Morello again, that's for sure." Nicky chuckled to herself.

"Floor is to be mopped so do your business and hurry up. Otherwise wait till the floor dries." Bennett said to the two women. They could see some of the inmates wheeling over buckets and mops. _What a fucking perfect time to wash the floor_.

"Might be more effective at night, you know, when people don't need the hall to walk." Bennett just raised his eyebrows at her. _What, no outburst of authority?_ Nicky shrugged, _whatever he was new_. _Maybe he didn't know he was supposed to degrade them at every opportunity._

* * *

**The best thing about watching the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean was definitely the scalding shower waiting for her when she got back to her apartment. A perk of living in an apartment complex close to the coast: she could hop in a cab and be burying her toes in the sand within thirty minutes if the traffic wasn't terrible. Or if she had an hour to kill with a good book, take the N subway and transfer to the Q. One short bus ride later and she was burying her polished toes in the sand.**

**Piper rinsed the sand off her body and thought back to the quote she had come across in the book. Bencio was right on every point. Waiting sucked. Attempting to forget someone was complicated and wearisome. But deciding between the two was heartbreaking. Holding onto hope or giving up. Piper didn't know which to do. She had been waiting for Alex to contact her about hanging out again for three weeks. By the end of the second day she was convinced that she was an idiot for not getting Alex's contact information. After the first week she thought that maybe she should just go to her apartment and apologize for her previous behavior. Maybe they should just be friends? Anger filled the second week: she was furious with herself for letting another person bother her so much. Now it was the end of the third week and Piper was trying to come to terms with the notion that maybe it was just a fling and she should move on.**

**But she couldn't decide. Furthermore, she hated decisions. She always ended up screwing them up somehow. She would have more luck with an 8-ball as her guide, really.**

**Her head told her to go out and meet someone new; there were plenty of fish in the sea. Her body pleaded with her to wait, just a little bit longer.**

**Toweling off, Piper dressed up in a more conservative outfit than she was used to. Business slacks and a dress top. It was her first day on the research team and she wanted to make a good first impression. She only had to put in a couple hours and afterward her and Polly were going out for celebratory drinks.**

**Double checking that she had everything she needed and still would make it to the train on time, Piper glanced at her phone again. She had an unread text message.**

**555-690-3532**   
**Hey**

**She didn't recognize the number. Maybe Cal finally got with the times and bought a cell phone and was figuring out how to use it.**

**Me**   
**Hello**

**She tossed the phone into her purse and made her way to the subway station. Halfway through her first connection she felt her phone vibrate.**

**555-690-3532**   
**How's it going?**

**Me**   
**Sorry, do I know you?**

**Piper felt that her response was polite enough. Apologetic with a request for clarification on the identity of the messager. Formality was a bonus when dealing with the unknown. For all she knew it could be her boss. Or it could be family or maybe one of her co-workers. Moments later a message buzzed in.**

**555-690-3532**   
**Most definitely.**

**What the heck? Was this some crank caller messing with her? She shot back a text as she waited for her transfer.**

**Me**   
**I beg your pardon?**

**555-690-3532**   
**That's not typically what women beg from me. ;-P**

**Who does this guy think he is? What a fucking prick!**

**Me**   
**Seriously, who is this? I'm going to block this number.**

**555-690-3532**   
**Calm down, I was just fucking with you. It's Alex.**

**Piper stopped short, causing the people behind her to crash into her. She muttered apologies under her breath and kept walking to the office building.**

**Me**   
**Alex Vause?**

**She didn't want to get her hopes up. There were thousands people in the world named Alex. She knew a handful from her classes at Smith alone. It could technically be any male or female that just happened to have the same name as the person she had been worrying over for weeks.**

**555-690-3532**   
**The one and only.**   
**Do you have any plans tonight?**

* * *

Alex rolled gingerly onto her back. She could feel perspiration forming on her brow and it was only a matter of minutes before she was covered in sweat and shaking. She was cold. And hot. Where the inferno wasn't burning her flesh an arctic breeze was slicing her to the bone. Her head felt like a snow globe a toddler thought it would be humorous to shake. And shake... and shake. Maybe her brain actually was doing summersaults, tumbling around in the current of the whirlpool formed by her scattered thoughts. And perhaps it was a good thing. Something might actually fall into the right place this time. Or knock the memories of a specific blonde out of existence. A chill tore down Alex's spine, triggering her body to violently spasm. Was it possible to lose the metaphysical addresses of one's own mind? To shake loose the memories of specific people. Specific times. Specific places. Alex tried to still her limbs, tensing her aching muscles in an attempt to regain some control over her movements.

It felt as if a semi-truck was reversing and crushing her against the pavement. Repeatedly. Her head was going to explode, like a watermelon wrapped with rubber bands, her head was being squeezed to the point of implosion. The pressure was nauseating. Voices and background noise rang around her skull, amplified to distortion. Her voice? Their voice? Our voice? The distinction between her conscious and subconscious wasn't blurred. It was no longer there.

And it was all too much.

Piper.

That woman was too much. Much too much, too much. _How about one more for good measure?_ Too much.

Heroin. Valium.

They were too much. And not enough. Too much and not enough wrapped in one big fuck it all burrito.

Litchfield.

It was too much. It had been fine before she'd noticed Piper's appearance. She had kept to herself, did her time, and didn't make friends. But now the walls seemed to be closing in, bearing down on her.

When had she become so weak?

_The moment you gave her that cornbread, you shithead._

_She was starving, what was I supposed to do? Just sit there and watch until they carried her out in a body bag?_

_Yes._

_Fuck you, I couldn't let that happen. Not to Pipes. She's different. She's always been different._

_You know you're right, it must have been the moment you met that poisonous bitch._

_Yes, she's a bitch. A WASPy, pretentious, narcissistic bitch. But she is mine. You don't have the right to judge her._

_Oh yeah? If she is 'your bitch' then where is she now? Sucking on Nicky's teat? Replacing you with Nicky as her binky?_

_No she wouldn't.. she's been in SHU.. Nicky just knows the ropes. SHU messes you up.. They wouldn't do that.._

_If after ten years she hadn't changed, what makes you think after four short months she will? Better yet, what makes you think she wants you?_

_She came to me on Christmas Eve.._

_And you cursed her out, didn't you. You sent her away before she could even get a word out in her defense. "No fucking way," if I am not mistaken?"_

_I was furious and resentful. I didn't mean what I said. Piper knows that. I just wanted her to feel the pain that she was causing me. How much she had hurt me by choosing her fiancée. She knows I didn't mean it. She has to know that._

_Yes. Because that is exactly the impression I got. I'm sure that is what was replaying in her mind day in and day out while she was in an underground cement box. What if she was going to tell you about the death threats from Pennsatucky? What if you could have saved her life? But instead, "No fucking way." Instead you sent her off to be nearly killed._

_It is no wonder she moved on to shorter and blonder things._

_"You heard the woman,"_ the memory of Nicky's voice reverberated in the caverns of her mind.

* * *

Something moist rubbed against the palm of Alex's hand. Alex felt herself being lifted, groaning against a warm cotton shoulder.

"Can you grab her other.. yea. Lil' Boo, cut it out. Sit!" a familiar voice hissed somewhere near her ear.

"She barfs on me you owe me TWO King Cones, got it?" More hands were suddenly on her.

"Just shut up and help me.. okay lift! ..Watch out for Lil' Boo." There was a thrumming against her calves. Was someone hitting her?

"I ain't the help, bitch. Move your damn dog or I'm guna end up on my ass."

"No one said you were the help. You are helping. You both just need to take a deep breath.."

"I don't need a damn lesson on meditating. Make yourself useful and keep a lookout." The lurching motion was aggravating her stomach even more. Food she hadn't even known was still in her system was forcing it's way against gravity.

"We don't need no CO coming up on this shit."

They rounded the corner in the hall half carrying half dragging Alex's giant heaving body. There were wet floor signs on the ground and Taystee would have dragged them all down if Yoga Jones hadn't been there to catch her. They could all hear Morello arguing with Bennett around the corner.

"But I don't use Maxi pads Mr. Bennett. They're too messy and trust me, no one wants to deal with _that_."

"I.. you can buy some from commissary inmate." Bennett was flustered. No male was comfortable talking about "women's needs."

"It's not my commissary day and I need them _now_." They could hear the emphasis on the last word and chuckled as they heard the CO's low curse as they entered the bathroom.

Their collective chuckle, however, was short-lived. None of them were expecting the scene they suddenly found in front of them.


	16. Riddle Me This

"You sure about this?" Nicky looked across the stalls to see Fischer pacing back and forth.

The CO stopped her pacing. "Yes." She pointed to the shower stall in the corner. "Um.. in there."

Nicky maneuvered Piper into the relative privacy of the selected stall. "Okay, now what?"

Fischer looked around nervously. "Take off her clothes. And hurry, we don't have much time."

Nicky scoffed. "Really. Would you like to clue me in on how to do that without touching her? You saw her reaction in the hall. We are friends, not fuck buddies."

"I don't know, maybe talking will help?" Nicky could tell Fischer was becoming more nervous by the minute. It was nerve-wracking to the bushy-haired blonde but it also proved that Fischer wasn't going to do anything to screw them over. She would be bringing herself down in the process.

"Hey. Piper. Open your eyes. Look at me." Nicky spoke in a soft whisper to her friend. "I need you to work with me here." Piper opened her eyes and settled her faraway gaze on Nicky's face. "You trust me, right?" The blonde nodded slowly, then shook her head. Nicky sighed. To be honest that was to be expected, it just didn't help matters at the moment.

"I need you to get in the shower, alright?" Nicky held up a finger at Fischer, motioning for a moment before drawing the tattered curtain closed. She grabbed the end of Piper's jacket sleeve and pulled her arms free. That was the easy part.

Nicky reached for the hem of her khaki shirt as Piper flinched away and squeezed her eyes shut. "Chapman. Look at me." The blonde opened her eyes, already swimming with tears. "I'm not going to hurt you. I promise. I won't even look at you, alright?" Nicky's eyes locked with Pipers. "I won't break this connection so don't you chicken out and look away. Just you and me here." _Sure, let's have a staring contest. As long as you fucking cooperate. Shit woman, we are trying to help you!_

Getting her two shirts off took a couple minutes. Instead of taking off the woman's pants and grannie panties she just pushed them down to her ankles. It would be easier to put them back that way and she wouldn't have to deal with fumbling around with Piper's boots. She tried her best not to touch Piper's skin but it was a challenge since she couldn't look away from the woman's face. She had made a promise and figured it was probably the only thing from keeping the blonde from another panic attack.

Pulling open the curtain, Nicky waved to Fischer that she was ready. "Just keep looking at me Piper. Don't worry about the rest. Just me and you." Backing up slowly she went to stand by Fischer. "Okay," she murmured, not wavering her gaze. "What's the plan, chief?"

* * *

**The dinner was amazing. No, it was more than that. It was phenomenal. Piper had heard of the place before but never thought she would have a reason to make a reservation. 'Daniel' was a place where couples went. Romantic. Classy. Suit and tie and "may I take your coat ma'am?" Upper East Side was the home of some fantastic restaurants, but this one, this one was a notch above the rest. The place itself, with its ornate décor, looked like it belonged as part of a wing of a famous estate. Or maybe a castle. Alex's Duo of Beef was mouthwatering and Piper nearly wept over her Risotto with Black Truffle. Christ, for the Guanaja Chocolate Coulant they ordered, Alex even had them pipette 'Pipes' in chocolate drizzle.**

**What the hell was she doing here?!**

**When Alex had told her they were going somewhere "nice," Piper thought she meant, well, not somewhere that required a tuxedo in order for entry. Not somewhere where you had your own personal waiter. Not somewhere this.. intimate? Was it the soft white lighting? Was it Alex's casual flirting, like she hadn't fallen off the face of the Earth for weeks without a word? The brunette's voice acted as a buffer against the anxiety twisting in her stomach. It would have been easy to chalk it up to the wine, which she was absolutely sure was costing a small fortune, but Piper knew that was only an excuse.**

**"I have something in mind once we are through here."**

**"And what's that Alex?" Please tell me it is something casual. Don't get me wrong, I love this restaurant. The ambiance, the attention to detail, hell even the food: I'm not sure if it is art or meant for human consumption. Piper swept her hair back and gave Alex a small smile. The brunette was handing over her credit card with the bill. She didn't see the exact figure, but with the amount of digits at the bottom Piper wasn't sure if that was their bill or the waiter giving Alex his telephone number.**

**Piper slowly looked around the room, taking in the panorama surrounding them. There were dozens of social elites present, wining and dining their** **_probably model_ ** **girlfriends, wives, and mistresses. Was that Alex's intention? To wine and dine her? Was this supposed to be an apology for disappearing? Piper wasn't naïve enough to harbor the illusion that they were simply friends enjoying a meal over a candle-lit dinner. In the richest part of Manhattan. With a bill that would even cause her mother's infamously blasé eyebrow to arch.**

**No, they were not simply friends. But what were they? They hadn't really touched the subject. Touch each other, of course. As is socially acceptable in a place as ritzy and upscale as their current setting. A brief hand held. A light pressure on the small of her back. A slight grazing against her leg beneath the table. Each fleeting brush of contact stoked the embers burning in the pit of her stomach.**

**Alright.. they weren't friends and they weren't** **_together_ ** **.. so what were they doing in a place like this? She was use to hanging out. Lounging around Alex's apartment suite and discussing whatever chanced to cross their minds. The last time they were together Alex's behavior had started to change, she had wanted to go to a nightclub. Not an absurd request, and Piper did enjoy the atmosphere: being so tightly packed onto the dance floor that the mass of bodies seemed to move as one, a writhing, sweaty, mostly drunk of their ass heap of flesh. ..Only a slight difference from the pattern they had forming, right? No? Well, if that was one small step, this was one giant leap. If Alex thought she required this type of treatment then the woman didn't know her at all.**

**Which, really, was true.**

**By the same token, she knew almost nothing about the raven haired woman. Sure, she knew her favorite authors, her current political opinions, that she liked** **_sugar with a side of coffee_ ** **because it helped "wake her up" in the morning. That she could make amazing meals with eggs and a handful of vegetables. That she could do mind-numbing things with her mouth.**

**Not that the fact was particularly important. Just, you know, a huge fucking bonus.**

**Wait, she caught herself, stumbling over her own inner monologue. A bonus? Bonus to what?**

**Piper stared back into those striking green eyes of her ..acquaintance? ..friend? ..friend with benefits? ..fuck partner? No, the corner of Piper's mouth lifted into a lopsided smile, they hardly knew each other at all. Alex taking her to a restaurant of this caliber confirmed it. Maybe other daughters from WASPy families enjoyed the limelight. The strict adherence to socially acceptable behavior. The weight of responsibilities and expectations enveloping her in a tight embrace. It was the same feeling that use to overcome her when her mother took her to social gatherings for debutantes. And she hated it. She felt a rush of warmth next to her cheek. Was she really blushing that hard?**

**"Pipes."**

**And there it was again. Soft lips casting warm air against her ear. "Come on, let's get out of here."**

* * *

Nicky heard Fischer draw in a sharp breath. The CO looked over at Nichols who didn't look away from Piper, lest she lose Piper's attention.

"You just going to stand there with your thumb up your ass? Do it already." Nicky could feel the heat start to creep up her neck. She was getting pissed off. She just wanted to get it over with so Piper could put her clothes back on. Nicky was making her a spectacle and Fischer's reaction bugged the shit out of her.

"Yes. Um.. okay." Fischer fumbled around and dug something out of the inside of her uniform.

Nicky waited while she heard the device booting up. Her foot started tapping and she crossed her arms and sucked her cheek. No one deserved this. She was still holding Piper's gaze but she was standing far enough away now that in her peripheral vision she could see the rest of Piper's body. It wasn't a joke. This shit happened to her friend. Whatever it was. Whatever the fuck made her look like she had been used as Rocky's punching carcass. Chapman was a prisoner just like the rest of them. In reality, any of them could suddenly end up like this. All it took was one ill-timed outburst and Nicky wasn't necessarily great at keeping her temper in check. She and Chapman were the same in that regard. And it scared the fucking shit out of Nichols.

Maybe putting Piper on display for Fischer had been a bad idea. She had said she knew something was up. That she was going to talk to some people. But was that the truth? Did she even know who to go to about something like this? If CO's were supposed to ensure prisoner safety yet ended up possibly doing something like this.. was she really doing the right thing?

* * *

**Where they ended up was not what Piper would have expected after such an ornate dinner, but at the same time, it was perfect. It was** **_them_ ** **. Piper grabbed a floppy leather top hat from the box of props and placed it gently on Alex's head, giggling at a ridiculously costumed Alex. She reached forward and tucked a stray hair behind the brunette's ear, adjusting the angle of the absurd hat. "What a regrettably large head you have," Piper teased, "I would very much like to hat it."**

**She saw Alex's eyebrows shoot up and her ruby lips pull into that smug, self-confident smirk. Fishing out a Fedora from the box, Alex placed the hat on Piper's head followed by several sets of brightly colored Mardi Gras necklaces. Next came a long black looking cane.**

**"Oh this is perfect!" Piper could feel the excitement in the brunette's exclamation.**

**"What is Alex?" She leaned closer to the taller woman, resting her hand on porcelain skin.**

**"This!" Alex twirled the black and gold cane. It had a huge plastic diamond with glitter inside as the handle. "My new pimp cane!"**

**Piper chuckled softly. "You're not a pimp, you giant." She gave her a soft shove.**

**"Are you so sure?" Alex twined her free arm with Piper's, pulling her closer. "I'm dressed in the** **_height_ ** **of fashion," she used the glittery diamond on the cane to tap her floppy leather top hat, "and I have a fine little blonde hanging on my arm..."**

**"Christ Alex, are you mad!?" She tried to free herself from the brunette's grasp but only managed to make the hold tighter. Piper saw a mischievous glint in those green eyes as the taller woman tossed her head back in a throaty laugh.**

**"Maybe, maybe. Tell me, sane one," she drawled coquettishly, "have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?"**

**Piper's face broke into an enormous smile at Alex's remark, forgetting her struggle against the woman's embrace.** **_She understood my obscure quote.. and she reads Lewis Carroll. Two more pieces of information to store away under "Facts About Alex Vause."_ ** **Piper might have figured that the woman would be knowledgeable about Alice in Wonderland. She had seen the book on Alex's massive bookshelf. But just because people have books on display, doesn't mean they actually ever read them. This woman apparently didn't fall into that category; this woman was something else.**

**She didn't realize she was staring at Alex's perfect, lush, and goddamn exasperating lips until a light pressure against her hip disrupted her train of thought. Piper blushed hard and allowed her gaze to meet the brunette's.**

**"Come on, let's make some memories, shall we?" Alex said playfully. She pressed a series of buttons on the machine and a countdown started rolling. Striking a pose, they both smiled at the camera, goofy grins plastered on their faces. They were met with a blinding flash before the countdown started again.**

**"Oh my god I think I stared right at it!" Piper blinked rapidly, trying to regain her splotchy vision. "There should be a warning label for that insane light!"**

**It went off again as Alex faced Piper, who still hadn't turned away from the camera. "I'm going to go blind! Alex make it stop." She heard a chuckle on her right and a warm hand on her cheek.**

**"You could just look away," a low voice teased.**

**Her pulse quickened as she felt a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth. And another. Alex's thumb stroked her cheek, soft lips pressed against her own. Instinctively she reached for Alex's waist, guiding the taller woman closer. Her thought process slowed and just flat out stopped when Alex's tongue ran across her bottom lip.**

_**Flash** _

**And maybe it did because she no longer felt Alex's warmth. Her hands were empty and her lips had lost their dance partner. Her heart literally pounded within her chest. Before she opened her eyes, Piper willed her pulse to slow before she had a heart attack. She had never had such an intense reaction to someone's kiss. Among all the people she'd been lip-locked with, none of them came even remotely close to bringing forth such an immense amount of raw desire. And it frightened her.**

_**Flash** _

**Her brain sputtered back to life, unapologetic about stalling out a few seconds prior. With it came words she'd read at some point in time, half-forgotten in a book she hadn't picked up in years. 'Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.' Leave it to Poe to find the right words for the occasion.**

**_I got it_ ** **. "I've got it," she whispered, her lips tilting into a sideways smile.**

**"You got what Pipes?" She opened her eyes and peered at Alex who was standing barely inches away, looking at her intently.**

_**Flash** _

**"Your riddle. The Hatter's riddle: have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk? I've got an answer." Alex looked at her like she had sprouted horns.**

**"You know that was nonsense. There isn't actually a correct answer." Piper's smile was so wide her cheeks hurt.**

**"I know, but I still have one."**

_**Flash** _

**"Alright, let's hear it."**

**Piper moved toward Alex and rose up on her tip-toes, her mouth level with the brunette's ear. "Because Poe wrote on both," she said through a smile. She pulled back far enough to observe Alex's reaction. Piper saw her green eyes narrow right before understanding flooded her features. Alex's eyes** **_glowed_ ** **as she tried to suppress a smirk. Piper beamed back at the woman, content with her silent response.**

_**Flash** _

**She closed her eyes to savor the moment when she heard "jesus woman.. that brain of yours," a moment before burning lips crashed into her own again.**

* * *

_Flash_

She was cold. Goosebumps peppered her flesh. The warmth of the photo booth, of Alex's body pressed against her, was no longer there.

"I'll take a couple more, just in case." _Wait, was that..?_ Her eyes refocused just to be blinded by another camera flash. She moved her arms to block her face when she felt hands tugging at her clothes.

"Piper? Yo, Chapman!" The remnants of her trip down memory lane faded away as reality slowly set in. _Nichols?_ She didn't know Nicky back then and the photo booth certainly didn't have this puke-colored tile. Piper stopped herself short,

_Back then._

"Wh..what are you doing?" Was she still in Healy's office?

"Putting your clothes back on, what does it look like?" No, that wasn't his voice. This one was female, and familiar.

"What?! Did I.. did we..?"

"What, fuck? Yea, and you were great by the way.. I _totally_ get what that Amazonian giant sees in you."

Horrified, Piper froze. "No.." her voice wavered with emotion. "No.. no.."

"Relax Blondie; I was just fucking with you." Nicky snickered at her own pun. "I was _messing_ with you. Trust me, if you were with me you probably wouldn't be able to stand just yet." Piper's body sagged, exhausted and defeated and just emotionally drained. She closed her eyes and just let go. She wasn't ready to start caring about what was going on around her. Whatever happened, happened. She would deal with it later. At some point. Everything went quiet for a few moments before faint footsteps made their way toward them.

* * *

They all stopped, as if the Earth had fallen away in front of them. No one uttered a word. There was no exclamation of surprise. No "what the fucks." No gasps. Just.. silence.

Confusion.

Realization.

Understanding, and finally, unvoiced outrage.

The only sound was Alex's ragged breathing between Big Boo and Taystee. Eyebrows were meeting hairlines and jaws were swaying slightly above the moldy floor. Alex's head had jolted forward at the unexpected halt, dark hair splaying across her face.

Yoga Jones was the first to collect herself, walking over to Nicky. She had been in the process of pulling Chapman's thermal over her head and onto her arms, struggling with the dead weight of the blonde's limbs while simultaneously trying to avoid contact as much as possible.

Yoga Jones reached to grab an arm but Nicky waved her off, shaking her head vigorously. Nichol's eyes were wide, trying to convey what a bad idea it was to reach out to the woman. Yoga Jones dropped her hand but stayed where she was.

Big Boo and Taystee nearly dropped Alex when she let out a pained whimper and began to double over. They quickly carried her into the stall just as her body began convulsing.

Nicky walked over to the women, leaving Yoga Jones with a zoned out Chapman. Taystee was keeping Vause's hair back and Big Boo was holding the woman's glasses.

"I got this guys." Big Boo handed her the glasses which she hung off of the neck of her shirt. Taystee moved out of the way and let Nicky into the cramped stall between puking rounds.

"How'd you know she gon' be like dis?" Taystee whispered after Nicky was in position.

Nicky looked Taystee straight in the eye. The look was a bit unnerving and it was several uncomfortable moments before the blonde spoke.

"Experience."

She rocked slightly on her heels as the other women began to filter out of the bathroom. "Hey, if you see Morello tell her to bring some mouthwash!" she hissed out as loud as she dared. Alex slumped her head against the rim of the toilet during a momentary respite. Nicky brushed her hair back in what she hoped was a comforting manner.

Fischer walked over just as she was about to head back to her post. "What's the matter with inmate Vause?"

"Just a spring flu. Happens this time of year. Hot days, cold nights. Soon this place will be riddled with it," Nicky said nonchalantly.

"Alright. Drink plenty of fluids. That's what my mom always used to tell me." Fischer smiled and made her way to the exit.

* * *

_What's the matter with inmate Vause?_

Trigger words cut through Piper's daze, piercing the thick smog that had gathered, shorting out her brain's synapses. She opened her eyes to Yoga Jone's small form a few feet away. The woman wasn't looking at her. Instead, she was looking in the direction that the voice had come from. Piper shifted her gaze to the back of Fischer's retreating figure; the CO was making her way out of the bathroom.

Piper heard another miserable groan, gagging, followed by a grunt as the unmistakable smell of _sick_ wafted passed her nose. The coughs that followed sounded vaguely familiar. She had heard them before, somewhere. They evoked memories she had all but forgotten with the steady march of time. She just _knew_ that sound.

Taking a cautious step forward, Piper slid passed Yoga Jones and closer to the stall. She could see two sets of boots from beneath the metal barrier. Guided as if by a marionette, Piper found herself in front of the stall. Alex was in the midst of casting her stomach contents into the metal bowl. Nicky was crouched beside her, black rimmed glasses safely tucked in her shirt, focusing on taking care to keep dark strands away from the toilet.

Somehow, she had known it was Alex.

Maybe it was the memory of looking after her the few times she had gotten the flu. Or the Ciguatera she had contracted after accepting a dare to eat barbequed Grouper from a local stand on Seven Mile Beach. The sad reality was that she had recognized the woman solely by a guttural cry. Even after all the years, they just _knew_ each other. Inside and out.

And right now, Alex's insides were coming out.

Hesitantly, Piper approached the two women. Alex's gasping seemed to have quieted but her back still swelled rapidly with each deep breath. Nicky gave her a wary look as Piper crouched beside them, her gaze jumping between the blonde and brunette. She slowly extended her hand, not sure if it was inappropriate to console another woman's girlfriend in front of her. Maybe Nicky wouldn't mind her helping. She could do that right? She could help? Maybe this is how she could pay people back, redeem herself. You see someone in trouble and you help them: Good Samaritan type of gesture. _Yea, right. Pennsatucky would be so proud_ , her mind snorted. Piper hardened her resolve. She could do this; she could be stoical. Altruistic, yet untouched by the reality around her. Magnanimous, yet personally remote. From this moment forward she was just a concerned third party, currently offering assistance to a couple in need.

It took up until Piper's hand made contact with Alex's drenched back for the emotion to die in her eyes. Her vibrant blue iris' draining of color, wide eyes drooping as if they bore the weight of the world. She could sense Nicky regarding her skeptically as she rested her hand on Alex's shoulder blade.

The woman beneath her palm shuddered, a strained "don't" escaping her lips as she began heaving violently.

"I've got it Chapman. Go head back to your bunk," Nicky asserted, shattering the tension that had been practically palpable in the air.

Piper withdrew her hand from the woman's back. Apparently she had just made things worse, and now the brunette's girlfriend was asking her to leave. Her eyes glazed over as she struggled to beat back her own personal emotions, they were no longer welcome here. Her mind drew a devastating parallel: just as _she_ was no longer welcome _here_.

Ignoring her aching body, Piper stood up and backed away. Her face remained emotionless, only her barely controlled breathing gave away any outward hint of a reaction. Her heart, on the other hand, had no such restrictions; it hammered against her ribcage, beating itself senseless against her rickety bones.

* * *

Nicky watched as Chapman quietly stole away. She nodded at Yoga Jones who looked at her kindly before following the blonde out of the restroom.

"Don't go.."

Nichols looked down at the retching woman. "I won't ya giant boob. Just get it all out and we'll clean you up and get you back to your bed, alright? Maybe you'll be exhausted enough to catch some sleep." Nicky shut her mouth as Alex sobbed out in despair once again, however, now it seemed it was in vain. The woman's pleas hadn't been meant for her.

"Don't leave me again.."


	17. - o o-oo o-oo ooo

Piper's feet carried her along the well-beaten path to the track. She wouldn't have guessed that she would end up here. She had been heading toward her bunk to lie down. To sleep. Close off the world for just a little bit. Block out Litchfield, Healy, Nicky, Fischer, Yoga Jones, and a specific brunette. Block out the last twelve hours. Her attempts at sleep had so far been troubled but right now, she wasn't sure which was worse: the nightmares or reality. She hadn't even noticed she was outside until her foot kicked a rough patch of dirt, nearly sending her sprawling. It didn't matter where she ended up; she just needed to clear her head. Her self-declared stoicism required that she be in control of her facilities and she was trying her fucking hardest to hold herself together. Seeing Alex doubled over the toilet with Nicky's hand in her hair, Alex's glasses tucked safely in her shirt collar, had caused something to die inside of her. Some essential part of her, something she hadn't even known she had left, flared to life in a supernova, imploding in on itself in a blinding flash of agony. Instead of trying to repair it, Piper just focused on cauterizing it. Searing it closed before the affliction spread. She was a WASP; this is what she did. The rest of her body ached but she welcomed the mild pain of her flesh over the acute despair centralized in her chest.

At some point she realized she was cold. She didn't know how long she had been out there, but by now it must be some time around dinner. The sun was making it's descent; she must have been outside the entire day. Piper could feel her bones creaking as she slowly wound around the track. She felt better, more in control. It might have taken hours but the space between her ears felt blessedly void of external input, the only noises originating from within herself: the rasp of inhalation of air and the thrum of her own pulse. Changing her angle, Piper gravitated toward the buildings. Maybe she could rest for a bit now, god knows she needed it.

* * *

Breakfast was another cup of lukewarm tea. Piper was tempted to go and warm the liquid in the microwave before the early morning crowd showed up. Scalding tea would have been a small luxury. She even briefly entertained the idea that the heat from the tea would warm the chill she felt seeping into her bones. Her gaze drifted out the window she was seated next to. No, it wasn't worth the trouble of getting up.

"You need to eat." Piper hadn't noticed Red approaching her. To combat the sensory overload she found it effective to block everything out. To focus on the white noise of her mind and the natural rhythm her body generated.

Startled, she sat there for several uncomfortable moments before letting her gaze drop to her hands. She should respond, shouldn't she. Yes, it was a command but the woman was obviously waiting for something. "I have my tea, Red. Thank you." She took a small sip and gave the older woman her best attempt at a gracious smile.

Red wasn't convinced. She set a tray full of bland food in front of the blonde. "You look like a Jew during the Holocaust. Eat."

Piper looked down at the food and felt her stomach clench. She had made the mistake of insulting the woman's cooking to her face once, she wasn't about to make the same mistake again.

"Thank you," Piper whispered to the woman, picking up her fork and prodding her toast.

"Not a problem." Red looked at Chapman with kind eyes. "You are one of mine. We take care of our own."

Piper didn't let the sadness she suddenly felt show in her eyes. Being part of Red's clique was something she had wished for before, especially when the woman had been starving her out. However, her time in SHU had shown her the truth. She was alone. She wasn't " _anybody's_." Eventually she figured she would come to be okay with this fact. Until then, she wasn't going to delude herself just because it was convenient.

She looked down at the tray before her. "Hey Red?" Her hoarse voice sounded foreign to her own ears. "If I wanted to barter for some.. uh.. different items, what do you need?"

"Depends. What items are we talking about."

Piper thought for a second, building a list in her mind. "Coconut oil. Eucalyptus. Peppermint. Rosemary. Cinnamon?" She knew it was an odd list, but there was a chance that the woman already had some of the items back in the kitchen.

Red cocked an eyebrow at the scrawny blonde. "More homemade lotion Chapman?"

Piper looked away and nodded.

"I'll toss in some jalapenos. Make me more of that back cream and we'll call it even. That stuff is _heavenly_." She saw the woman stretch almost imperceptibly. "And next time you plan on going to SHU I expect a resupply."

"Yes Red," Piper murmured as the Russian walked back toward the kitchen. She would need a few more items from commissary to make Red's lotion, but the deal seemed fair. Focusing on not gagging while chewing up the peppers would preoccupy her for a while. If her body could take the spice. But she had done it before; she could do it again.

Another tray scraped on the table across from her. Piper wasn't looking for company but people kept coming to her. It's like she had a flashing sign above her head in bright neon attracting people. Which, maybe technically she did. She was still dressed in the fluorescent orange khakis that new inmates are provided. She stuck out like a sore thumb among the sea of beige that was slowly filtering into the cafeteria. Well, she stuck out more so than usual.

The view from the window was nothing special but it was preferable to the look full of pity she knew that she would receive from the face across from her. She didn't want pity. She didn't deserve pity. She focused on the view of the grounds, eyeing the razor-wire fence at the edge of the grass.

"Chapman..?" came a soft, almost hesitant voice.

So it was Yoga Jones this time.

Piper didn't want to talk about yesterday. The older woman had been there in the bathrooms. Piper was vaguely aware that Yoga Jones had followed her outside. At some point she must have gone in; the woman wasn't there when she had finally turned to go inside. Piper wasn't sure when the woman had finally left. It wasn't that she didn't care.. she wasn't trying to be an asshole intentionally.

Sighing, Piper picked up the warm toast and looked over to Yoga Jones. The woman was always going on about being peaceful and relaxed. Piper knew she probably looked anything but those two; she probably looked like hell with her face all splotchy and her eyes swollen. This morning instead of waking up from her nightmare screaming she had woken up sobbing. At least she didn't come to with a guard tossing her on the bathroom floor again.

Sensing movement from across the table, the woman looked up from her oatmeal and gave her a knowing smile. "How are you doing today Chapman?"

Really she shouldn't have been surprised. It was normal for people to talk to one another. It was normal to inquire about how someone is doing and receive a response. But if it was normal, why was she sitting there, unsure of how to act after a "simple" inquiry?

Jones seemed to sense her uneasiness. "You should start coming to Yoga classes again Chapman. I've read through more meditation books and there are some deep breathing exercises I think the whole group would love. You should really stop by soon."

Yes, because one-on-one interaction wasn't panic-invoking enough for her, being in a large group would do wonders, right?

No. Not a chance.

Piper took a small bite of her toast and chewed for a moment. It took nearly all of her willpower to swallow her mouthful; the texture of the toast had reminded her of the SHU loaves, only drier. Dropping the rest on her tray, she pushed it forward. "I'm full.. you can have it.." Yoga Jones looked at her as if she was about to say something as Piper made to leave.

Trying not to draw any more attention to herself, Piper wandered outside. Normally she would be showering with the rest of the girls. She knew that is what she should be doing. What a normal person would do. Instead, she found herself at the track again. She walked a couple of laps before her knees started to shake. Her exertions the previous day, coupled with not being fully healed, had left her weak and aching.

Lying down, Piper managed to complete a few sit-ups. Just like a few months ago, she was slowly coming to depend on the physical activities to clear her head. Now that her body was provided actual fuel, Piper was able to smother her personal emotions with physical exhaustion. She relied on Yoga Jones' advice from her first day in Litchfield: to wipe her mind clean as if it were a mandala. Any personal anger, sadness loneliness: just wipe it away. Slip it under the metaphorical rug, woven of throbbing muscles, labored breathing, pouring sweat, and silence.

Blessed silence.

Sufficiently composed, Piper sat up to see women heading in different directions across the yard. Stone faced, she pulled herself up from the grass and walked toward the closest building. Nearly out of time, Piper pulled open the door and took the only seat available. Of course, it was the one next to Nicky Nichols.

"Well, look who's back for more electroshock therapy!"

* * *

Nicky watched as the blonde sat perched beside her. The only affect her comment had on the woman was making her duck her head between her hands as she rubbed her temples. _So much for a smile these days._

The slamming of a book startled them both. Nicky looked up to see Luschek towering over them with his face twisted in a sneer. The electric shop manual lay in front of Piper but the woman didn't look down at it. Nicky saw the blank stare the blonde was giving Luschek. If she didn't know any better she would have thought that the woman wasn't even aware that the officer was there. Yet the rapid shaking of her heel against the stool told a different story.

"You need somethin'? I got work to do here," Nicky broke the silence, indicating the broken-down devices around her.

Luschek grabbed a nearby lamp and planted it in front of Chapman. "Fix the lamp, return the tools, leave," he bellowed, retiring to his desk.

Nicky observed as Piper opened the manual and began reading instructions. She tried to focus on her own project: a radio someone had turned in. For some reason the tuner wasn't working and she had no fucking idea why. It wasn't that entertaining anyway. What was entertaining, however, was the skinny little blonde beside her. Honestly she was shocked that Chapman had been placed back in electric. One would think the officers had enough common sense to keep a volatile inmate away from sharp objects and tools. Apparently not. Apparently they were all just as fucking stupid as they looked.

Piper didn't seem to be too pleased about it either. To other people it might look like she was peacefully working on her lamp. Nicky could see right passed that shit. Evidently her foot was her tell. Nicky filed away the information in case she ever played poker against the woman in the future. Every couple minutes the table would start wobbling because Piper's heel would be spazzing out against her stool. At least they weren't in folding chairs. If she had to listen to an incessant tapping sound along with the jiggling she would start a follow-up art piece representing the futility of blue collar labor against her skull. Or maybe Piper's.

_It's the small things ya gotta be thankful for._

When Chapman wasn't fumbling with a wire, the blonde was reading through the book. At least she thought, until Nicky got fed up with the damn contraption enough to just futz around with it while regarding her bench mate. After about five minutes of careful observation, Nicky realized Chapman wasn't actually reading; she was still on the same page that she had initially opened to. As if noticing that she was being watched, Piper tore her eyes from the page and touched a frayed wire or two from inside the lamp. Her gaze slowly returned to the manual. Rinse and repeat.

"Hey blondie," Nicky whispered in Piper's direction. "You know you're in the microwave section of that book, right?"

Piper just shrugged without breaking her pattern. Staring, touching, looking inside, staring, touching, looking inside. Before long Nicky had seen enough. She sighed and looked up to check the time. It was almost lunchtime. Pretty soon they would be excused for a half hour and she could go and dick around with Morello. Her eyes gravitated back toward the clock when she noticed Luschek staring at her table. _Ugh_ , she shuddered. _I don't even want to know what that Neanderthal is thinking._

"Nichols, Watson. Lights. Rec room. Go." Luschek rattled off a few more inmate pairs to go to different areas of the grounds.

"Hey can I bring Chapman? She's great at fixing lights," Nicky lied.

"Nope. Leave unless you want a shot," Luschek retorted.

Nicky leaned over the blondes shoulder. She was still pretending to study the manual. "Hey, you good?" Nicky whispered, not sure if it sounded more like a question or a statement. The blonde didn't look up but Nichols could see her brows furrow together. She was learning to read the body language of Piper Chapman better, so after a few awkward moments when Piper finally responded, "of course, have a good time," Nicky knew it was a load of bullshit. She didn't even need to look down to know Chapman's leg was twitching like a fucking Morse Code tapper.

Luschek barked at her again about getting written up. Watson was waiting by the door for her with her tool belt. "Hurry ya ass up, I ain't goin' to the SHU again cuz a you bitches. Ya'll can fuck yaselves if you think it be like that."

With a sigh, Nicky turned and made her way out into the yard. At least she could bring something back from the cafeteria for them. Yoga Jones had told her that Piper was hitting the track again. Which was good; it showed she was taking interest in her old habits. Only downside was that she still looked like a walking corpse and clearly didn't have any spare calories to burn. She didn't want the woman passing out in the yard while under her care. She had enough on her plate to deal with already.

* * *

Red dried her hands and pulled off her apron. Breakfast cleanup was finally done and lunch was going to be sandwiches. The girls were handling slapping together the peanut butter and jellies' and imitation turkey and cheeses'. Red only needed to make a couple minor adjustments to a few of the trays.

Stopping at the bathroom, she checked her makeup and grabbed a damp towel before heading to the dorms. Vause was laying on her side, facing the wall. Red could see sweat stains through the back of her uniform. She made a mental note to remind Nicky to make sure she hydrates. Red checked her forehead temperature. Vause was still burning up. She placed the damp cloth across Alex's forehead, eliciting a moan from the pained woman. Red sat on the edge of her bunk, away from the half-filled bucket. _It is a good thing more people started showing signs of flu._ Flu and food poisoning luckily had similar symptoms for the most part, if you knew what you were doing. For her daughters, she would go to extreme lengths. Giving a few inmates that she didn't particularly like bits of undercooked meat and contaminated fruit wasn't the worst thing she had done. And, most importantly, it couldn't be traced back to her. It's not as if the whole prison was getting ill like when Mendoza had poisoned everyone. Just enough so that the COs knew the flu was spreading around and wouldn't pay Vause too much attention.

They rarely ventured out of the bubble now anyway. Red chuckled to herself. Whoever was stuck with dorm duty hid in their little room to avoid the retching sounds and smells. Sure, she wasn't sleeping as well with all the moaning, but she hadn't slept well in a while regardless. Lucky for her, Chapman was going to make another bottle of that soothing back cream. It wasn't even going to be an inconvenience. She already had all the ingredients the blonde had requested. Somewhere. Most of them were stashed away from COs prying eyes but Red was confident that she could find them all. There was a chance she would have to ask Mendoza where she stashed the Eucalyptus oil, but she wasn't too worried about it. When Red had lost the kitchen it was one of the first ethnic items that the new cook had requested to be added to the shipments. It was cheap, healthy, and easy to acquire so it made sense that Fig didn't care about adding it to the budget, especially if she swapped it for a more expensive alternative. _Hell,_ Red smiled, stretching her lower back muscles. _I could probably get them to her by tonight_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not super action-packed, but things are changing and happening "behind the scenes." I know they need to be mentioned for the story to flow smoothly. For those of you that are wondering, the title of the chapter is "tells" in Morse Code. Please review and let me know what you think.


End file.
